momto3gr8kidz

Man of the House

2011-09-02T16:11:00.000-05:00

The man of the house is less than impressed with the info we got in the mail today from my insurance company. After school, I ran home to grab my cell phone and also picked up the mail. We went to drive thru for something to drink, and as we were waiting, I opened the info on the claim for my house damage from the Aug. 18 ~~tornado~~ wind and hail storm. As I looked down the list and saw the totals, I instinctively said...the damage on our house is going to cost 17,000 dollars!?! Tye said WHAT!?! Let me see that. I responded and said oh, it's just the info on the storm. He insisted, so as they handed me our drinks, Tye was diligently looking over the adjuster's report. As we drove off, I said...soooo, what do you think (tee hee)? His response...I think this is harsh.

He totally cracks me up.

Why harsh? I ask...

Like we have 17,000 to spend on repairs!

I then gave a mini lesson on insurance and how THEY would pay the 17K, and he was very pleased to find out people will just do that...he responded...well, that is so nice of them.

The I gave a mini lesson on how WE pay for our insurance so they will pay for damages.

I skipped the mini lesson to explain the $1,000 deductible!

So the man of the house is seemingly satisfied with our insurance coverage. I wonder if he can handle the next step of verifying what all is on the claim, finding the right person to do the work, and then getting it all done. Wonder what he will say when I get the info for the hail damage on my van...

Tye-isms

2011-09-01T20:24:00.000-05:00

Tonight:
Mom, tomorrow is show and tell.

Oh fun! What are you going to bring?

I'm not sure, but it HAS to be something INappropriate.

Hmmm.

What I Have Learned This Summer...and Other Rants

2011-08-11T21:25:00.005-05:00

Wow! Summer 2011 went wayyyy too fast! I have lots of fun things to tell and mostly just ramble about.

Things I learned this summer:

Traveling by Amtrak is a lot of fun, especially when I am the sole driver of the family and ~~so unbelievably tired of doing all the driving~~ just wanted a nice break to enjoy the ride. We left out of Union Station in KC early on a Monday morning. Having flown before, I am ~~totally freaked out~~ surprised at the lack of security. We were toward the front of the line, and seriously, we were on the train maybe 3 minutes when we started to move. On the way to St. Louis, we were in a car with only maybe another 10 people.
Planning a trip to St. Louis by Amtrak, with the intent to get around the city via the metro and other public transportation, as well as our own 2 feet, sounds good in theory. But in upper 90's weather, I didn't want to ~~listen to the 14 year old gripe~~ ruin the vacation, so I rented a car. Very good decision since it had a GPS, and getting around was super easy.
Is it a pedal boat or a paddle boat? The jury is still out, although secretly, I believe I have won this argument with my daughters, considering we used pedals to move the boat around the lake at Forest Park. Pedal, paddle, tomato, tamato.
Rootbeer floats are super delicious when made with chocolate ice cream! Whoda thunk? I mean here I am a chocoholic, and I've never thought to try it. We went to Fitz's Rootbeer Bottling Company (brisket was amazing!). Got $20 worth of free rootbeer floats with a coupon I printed off before we left. Delicious!
We went to play in the fountains at City Garden. So beautiful, with all the colored lights. Tye was going back and forth, having such a good time, drenched from head to toe. I had just told him 2 more minutes, and next thing I knew, he was coming at me with blood gushing from his nose. I had nothing with me to take care of this, but since he had his shoes and socks off to play in the water, I instinctively grabbed his white socks and started sopping up the bloodbath. He got up on a bench and laid on his back with his head on my lap, and after several minutes, I finally got it to slow down. By then, his socks were soaked with blood. He couldn't stop crying, and I was asking him, are you crying because it still hurts? or it scared you? What? Through the tears he said...my socks are ruined and I can't smell anything. Oh jeez. The socks became an issue for the whole vacation, as he freaked out when he found out I was just going to throw them away. It seems those are his favorite socks in the whole wide world. What was I thinking?
While we were gone, a very old building on the corner of 3rd and Main was destroyed by fire. For those of you who have been to the Ville, it is the old Time and Gift store, as well as Dave Weigel Insurance, plus apartments above and Burch Guttering below. Reports say careless smoking, although I would say careless was an understatement, considering it is also reported that said smoker woke up, found the fire and put a fan on it to get it out while he went to knock on the doors of the other tenants. Can you say ~~idiot~~ intoxicated?
Stopped at Target in St. Louis. Remind me to never turn my girls loose with a grocery cart.
At Target as we were checking out, there were escalators maybe 25 feet from me. Tye was loving all the escalators we saw in St. Louis, and was begging me to go down and back up. As Rachel said...we don't get out much. I looked at the cashier and said, where do those go to? She said a parking garage, and I thought...wow, Target has hit the big time! So I told him go down and come right back up. ~~Mother Hen~~ Amberlea went over to watch him, and down he went. As I grabbed my bags and Rachel and I walked closer, we could see Amberlea standing at the top of the DOWN escalator, and Tye was climbing UP the DOWN escalator. He would take 3-4 steps, then pause, and down he would go. I quickly realize he was crying, and the vision of him basically walking up the steps and going no where made me ~~bust out laughing in complete hysterics~~ giggle. When it was all said and done, apparently he got to the bottom and there was no way back up. To get to back up, you had to walk out into the garage and back in through a certain door. So Amberlea had gone down too, then hightailed it back up the DOWN escalator when she couldn't find a way out, but Tye fell trying to get up. Sheesh. You would think maybe the checker would have mentioned that when I said to go down and come right back. Whatever. The girls and I decided it was the highlight of our trip!
So this week, while the above mentioned building was being torn down by cranes, we were driving one street over. We had a good view of the demolition. I said to Tye, wow, check that out. He responded...awwww, that was my favorite building. (Huh?) Me...what, why? His response...oh, it is my favorite color. What? Brown? That child is so ~~strange~~ hilarious!
Regardless if there is an open parking spot in front of the arch, while 20 others are parked, it is still a no parking zone. We were trying to find a frozen custard place, and decided to stop ~~for only a few blasted minutes~~ briefly to ask for directions. I parked and we went into the riverboat shop, returned about 5 minutes and a $25 parking ticket later. Yes, there were definitely sign up, but I seriously don't know if I have ever parked somewhere that so many people were already parked illegally. They were bad influences on me!
It truly is a small world. We ran into Marsha Meyers and kiddos at the City Museum!
A GPS system gives me a power trip. More than once during our vacation, I imagined myself easily driving around New York City, considering how easily we found where we were going, or got ourselves out of being lost.

More later, I want to get this posted.

Busy Weekend

2011-05-09T14:00:00.000-05:00

What beautiful weather!

Friday was my dad's 60th birthday! YES, he is the big 6-0! I probably look too old to have a dad that is only 60, but let's just say that I am the oldest and he became a father at 22. I hope I am as active as he is at that age. Saturday we had a big surprise party for him, and we all had a great time!

Today my kiddos surprised me with blueberry muffins and flowers, and a really cute card. Then we went to St. Joe to eat at Carlos O'Kelly's, which is a favorite of mine, and was a favorite of my mom's. I miss her so much today, but also remember the inspiration she was and still is to me as a mother and as a woman. Below is a picture of my mom and me in the spring of 1974. Isn't my mom so beautiful?! I see so much of Karis and Erin in her, and also my cousins Lisa and Stacy. People tell me all the time that I look like her too, but I don't see it as much.

Happy Mother's Day to my mother-in-law Denise Halley, who has become like a mother to me and has been there to always support me, especially since I lost my own mom. I know Brian would thank her for all the love she has given us. Thank you Denise for bringing Brian into this world. We love you!

Tye-isms

2011-05-01T14:16:00.002-05:00

(on a walk with Mojo)
TYE: Mom, we need to head home because my feet are crapping out on me.

Sitting w/a group of girls at the concessions during a break in the bball games this winter. One girl was standing, and Tye actually got up and went and got her a chair! I said wow, that was so sweet. He said...(get this)...I am only sweet on Saturdays. Hahahaha. We'll see what tomorrow brings.

Tye: Have you ever noticed that Justin "Beaver" looks kinda like Zach? Wonder if he has a brother named Cody.

Tye was looking for a picture of himself on his bday or the day he was born. He was clicking thru pix on the computer and came to one right before Brian died, he is on Brian's lap with his tractor cake. He said...awww, I really miss that cake. I love the way their minds work!

Welcome Mojo!

2011-04-25T18:11:00.003-05:00

We got a dog! Tye was seriously starting to show the same symptoms of poor Billy in Where the Red Fern Grows, as he has the dog fever so bad he can't stand it. We had decided on a smaller dog because we are going to keep it in the house. I was reluctant to spend the kind of money that a yorkie or shitzu costs, and didn't know how this was going to happen. I just told someone the other day that maybe something would just work out. Sure enough, the girls' stepmom saw on facebook that a girl from Maryville was wanting to give away her silky terrier because her infant is allergic to dogs. We met Mojo on Saturday and fell in love with him. Tye is so excited, and the girls and I are really enjoying him. I have never had an indoor dog, so this is all very new to me. I woke up the next morning and he was in bed with me. Wow, never ever thought that would happen! He is such a good dog, already trained and so snuggly. I will post pictures soon.

Bad Luck?

2011-04-12T21:00:00.006-05:00

Had a little pity party for myself yesterday. Somedays it just catches up with me. Well, thought my pity party from yesterday was over, going to say today was ok...until Tye figured out I am going to miss his soccer game on Thurs. night for a trip w/Rachel. He burst in to tears and said he wishes his dad could be here to take him. Ugh, came out of left field. Have I made it clear how much I hate melanoma?

He also said everyone else is luckier than we are.

What do you say to that?

Only Parent vs. Single Parent

2011-04-11T22:15:00.006-05:00

I HATE being only parent! I was bluntly reminded today when A)Tye got in trouble at school yet again; B)tax appt. ran late and caused a childcare snafoo; C)got a list of Boy Scout camps; D)1 camp is the same weekend as my class reunion; E)don't have plans lined out for my sub in the morning, and it's past Tye's bedtime; F)found out there is baseball tomorrow and I was going to an out of town track meet. My mood is seriously altered today. Blah. It is no wonder I can't keep up. The expectations of my life are so unrealistic. I was thinking tonight how Brian would feel about what is going on right now. I seriously think he would be sad that I am alone and am running around like crazy! He was such a good help and so supportive of me, and our home was just that...OURS. We worked together to make it all happen. I don't know how exactly I could realistically make up for what is missing in all areas. Sheesh.

2011-04-04T23:16:00.005-05:00

Just a quick update...
Went to the Blue Springs School of Econ today! Wow! We had sooo much fun. I love this part of teaching where I get to go on a field trip with Amberlea. What a busy day though, as I stopped off in Savannah to watch Rachel at a track meet, then headed back to Maryville for 6th grade DARE graduation for my students. It has been a long day.

What Happens on the Farm, Stays on the Farm

2011-03-14T17:22:00.004-05:00

Tye is home from the farm. He told me he use a pitchfork to clean up sh%t out of the barn. Wow! Got a good laugh and then had to remind him about our deal about only talking like that on the farm! He was so excited when we came into town to see Rachel and Amberlea, and then disappointed they weren't home. Rachel came in to grab something and I'm not sure he even saw her.

And for the record, I don't let him talk like that and neither do Brian's parents...but you know a boy just does and hears things when he is out farming. You should hear him tell the story about "cutting out the hot stuff" when they work cattle...and I will just leave out some of what he told me about a mama cow after her calf was born. He is definitely my farmboy! What happens on the farm, stays on the farm!

And We Found THE Dress!

2011-03-13T14:23:00.008-05:00

We are home from a long day of shopping for a graduation dress. We were at Independence Center in Macy's walking towards the door to leave (without a dress) and walked past a section of dresses we hadn't seen. And there it was, THE dress! She screamed and the sales lady and I got a big laugh out of her. Who needs all day to shop? Rachel found it, tried it on and paid for it in less than 5 minutes! She looks amazing! I was going to post pictures, but I will wait until graduation in May.

2011-02-20T19:41:00.018-06:00

We have finally made it through all the partying for this year's February birthdays. This weekend, Amberlea had the 5th and 6th grade girls over and there was a whole lot of giggling. Most of these girls are students in my class, so that was different, but fun. Amberlea has grown up so much this year and really matured, and I hope it continues!

Rachel informed me that this year she will be 14, then next year she will get her permit, then the next she will get her license, then she'll be 17 the next year which will just be amazing, and then she'll be 18. I think I aged instantly! I feel sad that the time has gone so quickly, yet I am enjoying this new phase of our lives. She had her whole class over and it was so laid back, yet they had a lot of fun!

I skipped a friend party for Tye this year, and figure we will do one next year. He is working really hard on listening, and not that it was a punishment, but I just decided this was a good year not to do a friend party.

Today we had a big bash with all our family. It means so much to me that they all came and celebrated with us. I had a friend cook the meat, and it was so delicious. I was really happy with how the party turned out.

It is hard to believe that my kids are now 14, 11 and 7. I miss them being little, and then I don't. Each stage of their lives has been challenging and rewarding at the same time. I wouldn't trade any of it. Remind me I said that in a few years after I have experience high school!

Snow Days...Ahhh

2011-01-31T22:45:00.005-06:00

I LOVE SNOW DAYS!

I do not like making them up. But hey, live for today! I totally love snow days because you can't plan for them and they are unexpected. So there is nothing else on the schedule except for enjoying my kids, playing games and taking it easy! I like to get ahead a little on laundry or whatever else, but beyond that, I just try to really enjoy the break. My oldest keeps praying for snow because she won't have to make up the days since she is in 8th grade and gets out on May 13th no matter what. I am going to keep a handle on just how much praying she is doing because as much as I love snow days, I don't want them getting out of hand! Lol!

Holiday Thoughts

2010-12-29T20:11:00.000-06:00

Well, this Christmas vacation has proven to be a much needed break! I am really enjoying my time with the kids and doing our own thing, although I'm not sure we are accomplishing a whole lot.

This was the first Christmas since losing Brian that I did not have that hole in the pit of my stomach feeling. 2008 and 2009 just seemed a blur, and were very difficult to enjoy without Brian. I KNOW that Brian would want us to be happy and to enjoy each moment. It has just taken some getting used to on my part, to be happy without him.

I am also carrying a lot of guilt where these 3 great kids are involved. My hopes and dreams and aspirations of being a certain kind of mother have been shattered. Much has been out of my control, but I look back and know that I got to an unhealthy place in my grieving, and I stayed there way too long. I was spinning my wheels, and in turn, missing out on a whole lot.

I have prayed so much that Brian would help give me the strength to begin to feel better. Slowly, things are starting to change. The most difficult part for me is knowing that some of it can never change. No matter what I do right now, the thought of keeping up with a fulltime and very demanding job, chasing 3 kids and meeting their social, emotional and physical needs and wants is so overwhelming. I say so often that I am not Super Woman, but frankly, I don't even think she could keep up with this. I am trying to let some things go, to worry less and pray more.

It's a start. And it has helped me to really enjoy my time off with the kids. And for that, I am thankful.

Here I Am...

2010-09-05T23:46:00.000-05:00

Here I am, wondering how August is over and we are well on our way into September. The calendar is full, and I have yet to figure out just how it is that I have had sooooo many meetings lately, and more scheduled for this week. What can there possibly be to talk about? But I digress.

Rachel is super busy with volleyball, but she really does love it! I am excited for her games, starting on Sept. 23. The season is going to go so fast and we'll be right on to basketball. She is also on student council, and then of course her social life keeps her hopping too.

Amberlea has made the transition downstairs to 5th grade. Actually this year I have Amberlea in the classroom on one side of me, and Rachel on the other side. I love getting to see them different times throughout the day. Rachel seems to visit me the most, and even my class gets a laugh out of her popping in. Anyway, Amberlea is in band this year. She started off playing alto sax like Rachel, and like me (I played tenor sax for 8 years). I tried to talk both of them into something else. I didn't really have a choice on what I was going to play as a kid, just that my mom had a tenor sax and that was mine to use. Yet Rachel still went with the sax. The Amberlea decided that she couldn't play any of the rest of them, although the few days that she played the sax I heard an awful lot of honking noises! She plays the piano and has decided to do percussion instead. She is really excited about this, and I am hoping the two will go hand-in-hand.

Tye is loving 1st grade. His teacher is very structured, and that is really good for him. He is growing and changing so much, and loves to read.

We went on Friday night back to Unionville to watch our cousin Dallas play football. He is a senior, so he was in the game the whole time, and that made it even more fun. Tye loved it, and I hope we can get back to see him again. I figured we better go now before things get really crazy! The girls and I stayed until midday and then headed home so they could go to a BBQ with their dad. Tye stayed for the weekend and spent the night in the camper with Uncle Todd and Aunt Jamie and Trace and Katie. He spent all day today helping Papa work on the farm. I will go to Bethany to get him sometime tomorrow afternoon. He loves being there and spending time with them, and so do I.

I went to Dad and Martha's tonight for dinner, then I went to see Going the Distance with Karis. I personally thought it was really funny and had some laugh-out-loud moments. And it wasn't overly sad either, which I don't need. Then Karis and I went and got Erin and Jacob and went to Applebee's for drinks and appetizers. We really enjoyed our visit, and it felt good to spend time with them.

So there's the update. Not much going on, just trying to settle in a routine and keep my head from spinning!

Ugh...

2010-08-27T00:22:00.000-05:00

I can't sleep. Again. I am on my 3rd night in a row that I h ave been up past midnight. Thought tonight I would get on the computer and hope my eyes get sleepy really quick! I was tired last night and was heading to bed when I could hear Tye. He was sound asleep and whimpering about Daddy. I jostled him a little and it stopped. Then it started again with full blown wailing. He cried and cried, and I got him awake enough that I kind of think he was crying about Daddy, and then crying because he was crying... He kept saying I WANT MY DADDY over and over.

It was an awful moment. Because these are the things I can't fix. He essentially cried himself to sleep because he wasn't awake enough to wake all the way up, and his sobbing wore him out pretty fast.

And then there is no rest for the weary. No amt. of being tired could get me to settle in last night, so I stayed up until I finally crashed.

A few weeks ago he crawled in bed with me one morning around 5am, just sobbing like crazy. I said what is wrong? He said...I can't remember what Daddy's face looks like. Oh my gosh it was probably the worst moment I have had. I couldn't sleep again. He was fine the next day, and I cried for 3 days straight. Even now, writing it down, I feel overwhelmed with grief. Tye does have a few pictures of Daddy in his room, but I immediately put up the professional pictures we had taken of Brian and Tye together, and I am hoping to have all the other family pictures up over the Labor Day weekend.

It just makes me feel like I have failed in helping him grieve. And I have, in a sense. We mostly grieve when I am feeling it. I don't keep him from doing anything like talking about it or going to the cemetery or anything. But so much of it is taken from what I am feeling, what I bring up to him, what I share. I have yet to share any videos of Brian with Tye. And I will be honest to say that I am scared to. I didn't used to be scared, I wanted to. But I just couldn't yet. Now enough time has passed that I can't bear to see him suffering, like in the video of the kids' birthday party just before Brian died.

It seems odd to me. I would have thought I would want to actually hear his voice and see his expressions. And it isn't because I don't want to. I think it is because it just hurts too bad. The pain is not gone, not even close, and it is hard to want to sit down and watch any videos or look at pictures that will make that feel even worse. So then Tye misses out, because if it isn't me doing it, who is it?

Sometimes I am so mad. Why am I crying about this? Why can't I get it through my head that this is how it is? He's gone. And sometimes I wonder if the pictures and videos are the next step for me, that I need to find a way to face those and get through them, to share them, to cry and laugh and experience that.

This is where I wish so much I had a support group to attend. I am just out here in the midst of my life with essentially no one who can really know what this feels like. I find myself being able to endure the pain of losing my husband more than I can face the fact that my child is without his father. It is the saddest thing to be a part of, and I am deeply angry that this precious child and my wonderful and amazing husband could not be together. I resent what cancer did to our family because we are still picking up the pieces. I am not the same person I was before Brian died, both good and bad.

Tye came home from school the other day with a picture he drew of our family. We were all 5 there. I was happy to see that, and just said that I loved the picture. He said...I still drew Daddy because he is still my family. For a split second I had the urge to rip it out of his hands and just destroy the picture. Another part of me wanted to just rip Brian out of it. Instead, I hung it on the fridge.

So do I feel guilty? Not right now. Just angry that it feels like our family was destroyed, that Brian was ripped from us. I read blogs of lots of other widows who do not still seem to be in this funk after this much time. I know there is no timeframe. Sometimes I seriously think it is because I want to just stay where I am. I have a friend who lost her husband, and will be remarrying in the next month. What a blessing it is for her to have a second chance at happiness for her and her son. But me? I had a 2nd chance already, and that was the beautiful thing about my love for Brian and his for me. It was real, it was unconditional, and it was forever.

I am still wearing my wedding rings. I have tried to take them off, and so far it just upsets me. I am a planner and a thinker, and I have yet to convince myself the benefit or purpose of taking them off. I figure those who think I should be "over" losing Brian already think that anyway, regardless of what I do with my rings. So far nothing has compelled me to want to take them off. I might not ever take them off. Or I might for a while, then put them back on. But what does it mean if I do or if I don't? Am I caught in the past, or do I get to feel like I am still married to him if I want to?

They called about coaching Tye's soccer team, either me or my husband. It reminded me of a widow's blog I read once that she said she signed her son up for soccer, and in the father's name section she wrote deceased. Always before, she wasn't sure what to do, but she finally just decided that he is indeed dead, and she would just go ahead and make it known so they wouldn't call her husband to see if he could coach, and then she also wouldn't have to do any explaining. This was a big soccer organization. Then when the list of teams came out, it listed the child's name, then the mom and dad's names similar to this...Deceased and Jenni Halley. Seriously?

I have been very overwhelmed lately. I have finally admitted to myself that I simply can't do this alone and have things be the way I want them to be. My house is in disarray, and I am distraught. So I decided to start taking one room at a time. It is hard to leave the other rooms and have them seem messy or cluttered, or not even a mess but just need some attention. But I do have to say that it seems to be helping, and I am feeling more productive than I have in a while.

Getting back into a routine has helped, although writing on this blog this late at night is not helping. I am sleeping in on Saturday because I figure my time is limited. Soccer will be starting, and my lazy morning days are few and far between.'

Well, I accomplished what I started with writing this. My eyes are super sleepy, and I did get in a little cry that I must have needed...which is also adding to my eyes feeling tired. Better take advantage and get to sleep.

1st Day of School 2010

2010-08-17T20:02:00.001-05:00

3 Great Kids start another school year!

Rachel is 13 1/2 and in 8th grade.

Amberlea is 10 1/2 and in 5th grade.
Tye is 6 1/2 and in 1st grade.
Jenni is 30-something and still in 6th grade!

Here is a picture of Amberlea with her teacher, Mrs. Hall. I have both girls on either side of me this year! The other pictures are saved on my computer at school, so I will try to email those home tomorrow and post them tomorrow night.

August 3rd, 1972 and 1952

2010-08-03T09:23:00.000-05:00

On the same day, 20 years apart, two amazing people came into this world. My mom loved and supported me from my own first moments of life, through my childhood and teen years, through my first marriage and a rough divorce, through the births of my 3 children, and into my wonderful life with Brian. She was there when I fell in love with Brian, and I always thought it was so ironic that they shared a birthday. My mom thought the world of Brian, and it wasn't just because of the joy and love he brought into my life. They always enjoyed each other. I miss my mom so much, and especially when Brian was so sick. I needed her. But in hindsight, I am somewhat thankful that she didn't have to be here to watch him suffer, and that she was there waiting for him when he went to Heaven. Two lives, cut too short, yet such blessings to me.

Happy 38th birthday to my wonderful and amazing husband, and happy 58th to the best mom in the world.

Life is So Unpredictable

2010-07-23T17:34:00.003-05:00

The phone rang this morning at 6:45. I shot out of bed. I have never gotten used to being awaken by the phone. A phone call in the wee morning hours of a day in April 2006 changed my life forever. My mom was dead. Gone. No warning, no goodbye, no do over's. I have said since then, I have lost my innocence. My mind seems to always wander to the worst case scenarios. Someone who is a few minutes late, someone who won't answer their phone, someone who is traveling. And then add the worry of Brian's situation, and I seem to often think the worst. It is something I have to fight because it can consume a person. Even thinking clearly and being rational goes out the window sometimes.

And when I realized the time that the phone was ringing, my mind...my heart...all thought...what happened? My brain automatically causes my heart to sink as I stumbled to the phone.

And I was right. It was my dad calling to let me know that a very close friend of my mom's lost her husband unexpectedly yesterday. His wife was a bridesmaid and he was a groomsman in my parents' wedding. On their honeymoon, he and his wife came to Clovis, NM to see me as a brand new baby, which means their anniversary is sometime right around now and they have been married 37 years. (My 37th birthday was on Monday).

It seems so different to relive my own tragedy in my mind when I hear of others. My empathy level is so different because I've been there, I've done that, I've felt the feelings of sudden loss, of how things in life are going along just great and BAM! And I am saddened by their loss, and the loss of what is to come.

As a motherless mother, it is a reminder to me that today is a gift, and tomorrow is not promised to any of us.

My prayers today are for peace for the whole Crites family, and comfort in the memories of Ron.

Decisions, Decisions

2010-07-13T00:27:00.005-05:00

I have struggled with indecisiveness for several years now. It is one of those things that came along in the midst of Brian's illness, and it never has completely gone away. I blame the countless hours upon hours I spent mulling over treatments for him and trying to learn more about melanoma. The decisions we had to make were beyond any level of difficulty I had ever experienced or that I could ever really fully describe. The consequences of most every decision involved pain and suffering, both physically and mentally. And literally the thought of death loomed in the background. Rarely do people deal with decisions that can result in death, or that are designed to stop death. I guess we do all have the decisions like wearing a seatbelt or smoking or walking home alone in the dark that we do consider a grim ending to. But beyond that, even the most difficult decisions involving relationships and life changes like jobs and babies still aren't usually at the level of having death waved in front of you.

So somewhere along the line, I quit making some decisions. I could have cared less what was for dinner because the other decisions were taking up my brain energy. And where there was space to make considerations, I found my head full of other worries. How will these decisions affect our children? How are the kids doing in school? So what color to paint a room or which car to buy or whether I want a new hairdo somehow became trivial.

And it has been hard to get past that. I wouldn't say I just don't give a crap. I do. It is just that I have found in the years of dealing with his illness and death, and being subjected to crazy decisions like what type of casket, what kind of flowers, what to bury him in, and so on, have somehow made other things seem less important. But what I have found is that it isn't a matter of just making a decision without thinking, but instead I find myself overthinking and overanalyzing basically everything.

The paint colors in my living room and dining room liked to have killed me. I lost sleep over this, for God's sake, a lot of sleep. Or what to do about Rachel's bedroom, or lack of bedroom. Somehow I let the time tick because I just couldn't make a decision. The mere thought of picking out carpet is stressing me out.

And this whole vacation thing has been a personal struggle. I have lost sleep over this too. Where can we go that feels like a vacation for all of us? Where we can be safe? And Rachel isn't loaded down with the responsibility of being an adult figure? Where will we stay, what will we do? How will I handle driving alone?

It has been a slow process. It took me a few months to even convince myself where we should go. Rachel and I went to a day long trip to Branson back in May, and afterwards chatted about how we thought it would all work if we attempted it. She and I both feel comfortable that we can do this, so we are going for it. Then came the where and when. What type of lodging? What activities are we going to do? And why do I always have to make all these decisions? So I talked to the kids and asked them what sounded fun, and we are going from there. I finally booked a Best Western today, and even all day today I was wavering back and forth on the when. It was a nightmare. I felt overwhelmingly reluctant to commit to anything. I think part of me was worried about something coming up. The other part of me was worried that I hadn't found the best deal, and also worried that it wouldn't be just perfect. Some of me was ticked that I couldn't just make a decision. I was needing someone to say THIS is when you should go.

I consider myself very capable of doing all this. So why is it that I just sometimes want someone else to do it? I know I can drive all the way to Branson by myself, but that is not the point.

I suppose it is a common widow thing, the overwhelming feeling of being stuck doing everything. It has nothing to do with capability, but everything to do with missing your companion on the journey of life. I think back to our last Branson vacation. Tye was 6 months old, which made Rachel 7 1/2 and Amberlea 4 1/2. I'm pretty sure I made all the reservations. But I had someone to bounce ideas off of. We decided together which was the perfect time to go. So some of my indecisiveness is just not wanting to be the one deciding all the time.

But I did feel a sense of accomplishment today once it was all done. I have already made some decisions about what we are doing specifically because I don't want to get down there and be doing the whole...what do you guys want to do, and them saying I don't know, and me being overwhelmed. I have even scoped out some places to eat, and I'm thinking of assigning kids to each day, or something fun that they each get to and are assigned to decide. Or we might decide together before we go. I figure that will help.

So I'm feeling less stress tonight. I am glad because I was starting to think maybe we shouldn't even do a vacation because the planning in and of itself was causing me too much angst. I sat tonight and thought out some other ideas on how to make things run smoothly, including planning WAYYYY ahead about what needs packed so I don't feel like I'm going to explode getting 4 people ready to go on vacation. The girls can both be a lot of help, so hopefully we can do it together.

I figure something must be going right because I am already really excited about it all. We are just going in 14 days...nothing like totally putting off making a decision until it was too late...literally, because I finally decided yesterday what I wanted to do, and the placed was booked solid until mid-Aug. I filed that away in the back of my mind, thinking that when we return to Branson another time someday, I will already know what it is I want to do and where.

It feels like I am on the right track to a great family time. I don't want to feel like I need a vacation after my vacation, and so far it is feeling good. I'm thinking I need to get myself together about this decision-making stuff, and it seems that thinking out a plan ahead of time on how to make the decisions is helping. I like to be spontaneous, though, and that is hard, especially when I want to be responsible and safe.

It also feels like the hard part is over, so I'm hoping it is smooth sailing for now, and a fun vacation in the future! I'll let you know.

Thanks

2010-06-13T21:07:00.002-05:00

Thanks to everyone for supporting me through one of the toughest days of my life. I was just browsing through the history on my sitemeter, and it is great to see you all on there. Your support and encouragement has sustained me, and I can't thank you enough for being there for me when it really matters. Thanks for the emails and chats on facebook, and for just helping me get past one of the most difficult times of my life.

I Survived!

2010-06-12T18:30:00.003-05:00

I survived my dad's wedding.

I wasn't sure I would make it through the morning. I got up in more than plenty of time, but I just couldn't stop crying. Once I finally got it all together, I went as planned to take flowers from my backyard to put on my mom's grave on the way out of town. Then the tears started again, and I was mad because I already had my makeup all done!

I almost got it together by the time I picked up the girls, and Rachel brought me a whole role of toilet paper to help me with the runny nose and watery eyes. They were bloodshot at midway, but good to go by the time I got to St. Joe.

The wedding was outside on the porch of a bed and breakfast. Dad and Martha both looked very nice...really everyone looked nice. They started the ceremony by remembering those who have gone before. Dad took a bright pink rose and said...in memory of Ann Heflin...and then put it in a big vase, and so my tears were starting again. The rest of the roses were off-white, Martha took one and said the same for her sister Marcy. Then dad did one in memory of Brian, and I lost it. I probably looked like I was at a funeral. I wanted to shout out, I have been crying all day! It is kind of like when you have the flu, that once you have thrown up already 3 or 4 times that day, it happens so easily! Bad comparison, but you get my point. Then Martha and Dad switched off, also honoring my dad's parents, my mom's parents who just loved my dad, Martha's parents and grandparents. I didn't expect my mom to be mentioned at my dad's wedding, and I guess it does say a lot about how Martha has accepted that my mom was a great love of my dad's life.

The reception was really nice, and Dad was right, the food was delicious. They had a nice spread, and it was good to have a variety that the kids also liked. We had a funny moment during the reception when Martha told Tori that Devin was her new cousin. (Devin is Martha's only child, and now my younger stepbrother). Everyone was like, huh? And then there was a discussion, and someone said...he's her uncle! He seemed pretty surprised to realize he was an uncle now. Then Tori said...so when he has kids they will be my cousins...and Devin was SUPER surprised! I reminded him that there are 8 of them, and Karis said she would make him a list of uncle duties. It was a good laugh, and it was nice to just enjoy the moment.

Reflections on Life as I Know It

2010-06-11T18:21:00.002-05:00

Life as I know it today will change completely tomorrow. I am gaining a stepmother, as well as a younger stepbrother. My dad is getting married. And as much as I want to be happy, I can't help thinking that this is all happening because my mom is dead. Life wasn't supposed to be like this.

The last few night have been hard for me to get to sleep. I crashed last night around 2:30 a.m. after finishing another coat of paint (more later), and then I couldn't sleep. My mind was racing. I am super excited to be in my parents' home now, to have the same address as they did, and actually the same address as my grandparents, whose house was on this land before this house. Yet, last night all I could think as I laid in bed was this was the room where my mom died. As crazy as it sounds, it almost felt as if this home betrayed her...my mind was thinking...THIS is where it all changed! This is where the nightmare started, the one that I can't seem to wake up from.

Parents die. It is supposed to be like that. I sometimes wonder what it is I expected to be able to do about it. I guess I expected God to let her grow old with my dad. I expected my kids to grow up with her at their ballgames, and for my nieces and nephews to know her also. I expected my parents to travel and enjoy the time after the kids leave home. I expected so much more than life has given me.

So am I ungrateful? I feel so guilty to be ticked that I was robbed, when I am so blessed with my children and the rest of my family. I want to call my mom and talk to her. I want to change to be more like her. I learned so much that I want to build on from her, and also things I want to do differently. She would freak out about Rachel having a boyfriend, while I, on the other hand, am just going with the flow, laying down the rules and keeping the lines of communication open (not that I'm not a little freaked out). Even so, I am literally sick that I can't talk to her about this.

I have mixed feelings. My feelings aren't really what matters. I don't have a choice in any of it, and I supposed I am glad of that because I have a hard enough time keeping my own life in order, let alone making decisions about others. I will tell you, it feels as if tomorrow will be as hard to watch my dad marry someone else (only because my mom is dead) as it was to see her lying dead on a table in the E. R. that night. It is something I am not sure I will ever be ready for, or used to. My mind can't wrap itself around being with someone for 30+ years and losing them, and then even wanting to be with someone else besides them. I am at a completely different place in my life after Brian's death, but even today, almost 27 months later, he is still all I want. Yes, my kids are still young, and I'm not alone; but my mind sees no desire for anything but Brian.

I'm not judging my dad or anyone else really. I have come to realize each person is different and each person handles their grief in a way that fits them best. Still, I find it harder for me to really understand my dad when I feel about Brian the way I do. We never really took care of any of my mom's things. One day her clothes were there, and then they were gone. We did look through some pictures last week, which was the first time since the day she died.

Yesterday, Tye asked me...where are Daddy's clothes. I was caught off guard. I felt sad that I had taken them from my closeet, that Tye didn't have the chance to see them. I still have them. I said...I have them in some boxes, and I was going to give some of them to people who might need clothes, and then make a quilt with some other ones. He responded...can I wear them?

My heart sunk. The poor child is grasping at a connection with his daddy. Then before I could respond, he said...where are his clothes when he was a little boy? I told him we will have to ask Grandma, but they are probably old and she gave them away a long time ago like I give away his clothes.

I intend this summer to go through more of Brian's things, and to pack away a lot for Tye to decide what to do with. I thought I would sort things, and I still will to a point. But I want Tye to have that chance when he is older. Maybe it is my stretch in trying to be sure Brian's existence is real, that he was here, and he had these interests etc.

So my dad's wedding comes almost without doing anything with my mom's things. I told my dad I hope someone takes care of my things when I die. I dug into my own personal box of cards from when my mom died, and reread about a dozen. It seems different to read now, almost like my head is more clear and I can take in what it really means. I can't even seem to begin to sort those types of things from Brian because it just hurts too bad.

I have started painting at my house. It is looking a lot different. I will take pictures sometime when it is finished.

Anyway, thanks for listening. Say some prayers that the Heflin kids survive tomorrow.

Just as Busy!

2010-04-28T23:17:00.002-05:00

Since my last post, things have not let up. In fact, things are even crazier than before. My dad has moved the big items, and most everything else is taken care of. We decided to go through some of my mom's things later in the summer, so those things are staying. I painted Amberlea's room hot pink on 3 walls, and lime green on the other wall. As of right now, if you go in the room, you will look a shade of pink or green. So I am anxious to get all the decor and bedding in there, and I know it will look nice. Tye's room is done (thanks to Karis). It is Royals blue on the bottom and gray on the top. The gray is a little darker than I wanted. I went back and had white added twice, and it is better. It isn't terribly dark, and will look nice, but I still think it is darker than I had invisioned. The only thing left in there is a chair rail, which will get taken care of in the midst of Rachel's room being built. Which is another thing...I am getting bids for her room and trying not to spend a fortune on a bedroom for a 13 year-old!

I've been meeting myself coming and going for about 10 days now. I shouldn't even be writing on here because I need to pack, or sleep. I am super excited about moving and being at the same address where my mom grew up, where my grandparents were for so many years, where I played as a child, and where my mom and dad lived when she died.

My dad took a full load in the pick-up tonight, along with the trailer. And yet, it doesn't look like anything is missing really! Sheesh! He took the bikes and play toys, deck furniture and mowers. I am very anxious to just be done with all the shifting. Even if I'm not all the way unpacked, that will come this summer. I just want to get this house cleared out.

I don't know the buyers, but it sounds like they are really excited to move in. I even got some mail for them already today, even though we don't close until Monday.

I will post pictures of the new rooms when I have the chance, hopefully soon.

Super Busy...Quick Update

2010-04-11T00:45:00.003-05:00

Super Duper Busy

House sold! Praise God! Closing on May 3rd. Moving Dad out hopefully on the 24th and us in on May 1. Whew!

Painted Amberlea's room today. I believe the colors were yellow lettuce and pink singe (aka lime green and hot pink). Wow! The pink is a bit darker than I thought I wanted, but it is really what Amberlea wanted, so it will be perfect. One wall is green, the other are pink. At least her room will be ready to go. I will post pictures when she is all settled.

While I was painting the lime green, Tye came in and said...is this Rachel's room?

No, it's Amberlea's.

I thought it was going to be Rachel's.

No, we are building Rachel a room.

Oh.

(Silence, kind of in awe of the green)...I really don't think Papa is going to like you painting this wall this color.

I'm buying the house, remember? It won't be Papa's house anymore.

Oh, ok. But...will he still be our Papa?

Just Gettin' Our Groove On!

2010-02-16T22:28:00.006-06:00

Today was a great day for Amberlea's birthday, and we had lots of fun. I will post pictures of all the birthdays later, but I just had to get some of this video up to see.

I got Amberlea the Wii Just Dance game.

It was a hit, and we all got in some major exercise after school. We even got Papa Paul involved in the Eye of the Tiger, which was a full aerobic workout! I forgot to charge up the Wii remotes, so we couldn't all dance at the same time at the beginning.

Below is one of Amberlea's first attempts.

Then Tye gets his groove on! (Rachel refused to dance infront of the camera).

And I couldn't resist showing another one!

Dance off is coming soon!

My Sweet Amberlea

2010-02-16T00:05:00.000-06:00

It has been a loooonnnnggg wait for my sweet Amberlea. While all 3 kids have birthdays in February, poor Amberlea's is last. Finally today is the day! She is not too happy that she was born at 9:46pm because she told me today that means she only gets 2 hours and 14 minutes for her birthday! Then she asked about basically everyone I could think of, wanting to know the time of day they were born. Pretty much everyone was born earlier in the day than that! Ha!

I would be lying if I completely sugar coated the story of Amberlea's birth. So I will just preface this story and say that if it doesn't seem as glamorous and exciting as Rachel's birth, that has nothing to do with Amberlea. It has everything to do with the fact that things were not good between Tim and me, and frankly a lot of Amberlea's birth was a blur because I was just trying to survive what was happening in my marriage. On top of that, my Grandma Eickholt, who I was very close to, died suddenly when Amberlea was 9 days old. So all of that time in my life just ran together. Anyway, there are a lot of things I don't want to share, but I'll do my best to share with you the joy this child brought to my life.

So here goes...

I had a miscarriage in November 1998. The pregnancy was a complete surprise, especially considering that it took almost 9 months to get pregnant with Rachel. We had about enough time to share our excitement before I lost the baby. We started trying again after Christmas, and when I found out I was pregnant in June, we were pleasantly surprised to find out we were due in February again, this time on Feb. 29.

I could copy and paste some of Rachel's birth story here because once again, I didn't go into labor the way I thought I would. I had things set for a sub at the end of the month, but on Feb. 9 when I went to my appointment, she told me I better get things ready because I was already at a 3. My sub was quite surprised too, and we had to have a fast meeting over the weekend to make sure things were set. I was scheduled for my next appointment a week later on Feb. 16.

On Valentine's Day, I made homemade pizza, and we spent a nice evening together. I had a lot of contractions, enough that we were counting and thinking this was going to be it. But just when they started getting closer together, then they started spreading apart again and eventuall stopped. I thought sure I would have to call Tim to come home from work that night. But the night came and went, and so did the next day.

We scheduled the basketball pizza party for Feb. 16 (when I still coached), and so I stayed after school for that. I had a 4:30 appointment, so I came home to get Tim. By then he was working nights at Eveready, so he had just gotten up. I had a pizza from the party, and he ate it on the way to the appointment. I will say that I was feeling a little funny all day, no contractions, no real pains, just an odd feeling. So when she checked me and I was between a 6 and 7, she kind of freaked out and told me to go straight to the hospital. At this point there were no contractions, and she was concerned that my water would break and boom, there would be a baby. We had to get Rachel where she needed to go, so we ran to the sitter's and then took her to my parents' house. I just never thought it would happen the same way again, just being checked into the hospital because I was dialated so far. I guess I should have been more prepared. When we arrived at the hospital, it was nearly 6pm, and my doctor was actually there waiting for me. I barely was checked in and she just went ahead and broke my water. When you are dialated to 7 (by this point), there for sure is no going back. They barely got me on the monitor when my contractions started up.

As I said before, Amberlea was by far my most difficult labor, yet the shortest. I was having contractions by 6:30pm and she was born at 9:46pm. When I started pushing, I remember being so surprised that it was over so fast. Thank God because the pain was way worse than with Rachel. And my pain after having her was way worse too. I barely had any pain after Rachel, and with Amberlea I was doubled over in pain.

So back to Amberlea. I thought she was a boy. I didn't hope she was a boy. I didn't have any way of knowing. I just thought. I was very surprised when the doctor told us it was a girl! I was super excited to use her name. Tim and I chose Rachel really soon after I found out I was pregnant with her. Finding names for Amberlea was very difficult. Our relationship had greatly deteriorated since he started working at Eveready, and we didn't spend much time doing anything to get ready for this baby. I am thankful that Tim put up the crib and helped get the baby's room ready over Christmas break. How we came about Amberlea's name is kind of by accident. When I was pregnant with Rachel, Tim said he didn't want any names that started with A since our last name started with an A. With Amberlea, I was at a loss on what to name her. I wanted something unique and beautiful. Rachel's boy name Ryan Timothy evolved into Cole Timothy for this pregnancy. Early in the fall before her birth, we were out for dinner at A&G and there was a girl there named Amberlee (I think that is how it was spelled). I just asked Tim if he liked the name, and he just replied yes.

Then a few weeks later I brought up baby names, and out of the blue he said...what about that name Amberlee, how would we spell it? I hadn't thought about it again, and I was excited and surprised that he was interested in it. I said...I'm not sure about that. I liked Amberleigh, kind of.

Tim and I had used sentimental names for Rachel's middle name JoAnn after my mom Ann, and my grandpa Joe. Tim's middle name came from his grandpa, and we still wanted to have something like that for this baby. The next thing we knew, we had concocted Amberlea Jean Elizabeth. Amberlea pronounced like Kimberly, with no emphasis on the lea part, as in it is not two separate names like Amber LEE. I know that sounds funny, but we fight that even now. We also agreed NOT to call her Amber, and that has stuck. If anyone calls her that, we just politely correct them, the same as someone who is called Jennifer and someone calls her Jenni but she never goes by that, or Steve when his name is Steven. The LEE became LEA from my sister Karis Lea Ann. And no, Amberlea is not Amber LEE A, or Amber LEAH. I checked the phonetic makeup of her name before we named her, and we are correct in pronouncing Amberlea with just the LEE sound at the end. I have argued it, believe me. Amberlea started out as Amberlea Elizabeth (my other sister Erin's middle name), but then I didn't want to leave out Tim's sister. So we started experimenting with her name, Tammy Jean, and hoped we could find a way to fit Jean in. I tried hyphenating, putting the Jean first and then last, everything. I was concerned because Karis had 2 middle initials, and I knew that the 2nd one is rarely recognized, so she is usually Karis L. I finally figured there was no way to avoid this, and knew that anything that really mattered would allow her to be Amberlea J. E. Sure enough, she gets just the J. quite often, but anytime I am asked for a middle initial, I always put both.

Tim and I were very proud to name our baby girl after our 3 sisters. We were also very thankful there were just 3 sisters so she didn't have a massive last name. She already ended up with over 1/2 of the alphabet in her name!

We were also very excited that she had hair! Black hair! Not the full head of hair, but hair, nonetheless, as opposed to Rachel's bald head! I figured Amberlea would end up with blonde hair, but so far after 10 years, it is still dark brown. She weighed 7lbs. 6oz. and I think she was 19 3/4 in. She was a very good baby, and I would not have survived my life falling apart in the coming months if it wouldn't have been for her.

Tim left on Mother's Day weekend when Amberlea was just shy of 12 weeks. I was nursing her, and this blessing helped me keep my head on straight. God had a purpose for Amberlea, and in the midst of my marriage falling apart, I was reminded that Rachel and Amberlea both were products of a deep love in my heart. This baby needed me to keep it together, and I was determined to love and nurture her. It was a rough time in our lives, and I often wonder if that is where Amberlea's temperment came from, the fact that things were so stressful during my pregnancy and also during the early months of her life. She was full of laughter and smiles, and Tim and I are still blessed by her sense of humor, her uniqueness, and her creativity. She teases me that she can never find pencils or other things with her name on them, and I should have known better. I am the oldest, and my parents followed a 1973 very common name of Jennifer with a little sister named Karis, who also never found any pencils with her name on them! We have had many compliments on Amberlea's name, and her name just seems to fit her personality. Once when I was coaching, the team we were playing had an Amberlee. When the coach yelled her name, I was shocked because it is the only time I've heard her name used!

So how do I end this. I read back over it, and it feels like so much is missing. I want to say that while things were indeed falling apart with Tim and me, this was a very special time for us, and one we will both always cherish. She came into our lives at seemingly a rough time, but brought so many blessings and warmed our hearts. Her big sister was quite smitten with her, and I am thankful everyday for having Amberlea in my life. I used to think that Amberlea missed out on so much, she was robbed of some basic things that should have happened in her life as a baby...then other times I think that those material things and anything I think she might have missed don't matter because what really matters is that Tim and I love her very much, and we have since we found out she was on the way, and especially the moment we laid eyes on her.

Allergies Persist

2010-02-13T19:29:00.000-06:00

We were making Tye's lunch for SACC on Friday, since he had to go there while I was in KC at a meeting (no school). I have several varieties of yogurt, and when I grabbed one, he said...I'm allergic to that.

Really!?

So I started saying...Tye, you aren't allergic to it. You might not like that flavor or something but you aren't allergic. (I continued on.)

He looked really puzzled, kind of furrowed his eye brow, and said...well Mom, I AM allergic to bobcats.

Huh!?

How do you know that?

Well, Papa has this neighbor that has a brown and white horse that got scratched by a bobcat! And I'm pretty sure that I AM allergic to bobcats.

Good to know.

Ahh...the Love of a Sister!

2010-02-10T23:05:00.002-06:00

I was gone for a little while yesterday to go back to school and finish my midterms. The girls were home alone. I think all went well, as nothing caught on fire!

Amberlea told me this morning...Rachel saved my life!

I was thinking, what? Rachel kind of smiled and said...I showed her how to change her paper to double-spacing instead of single.

Lol! Amberlea is so dramatic!

I was impressed that Rachel helped her with her newest state project, and we will just ignore the fact that Rachel saved Amberlea's paper as stupidstatereport.doc. I guess she was trying to save it and Amberlea said...call it Texas. And Rachel said...how about the stupid state report? Amberlea laughed when she told me and said...I told her, that works for me!

Share the love...

Tye Laughs

2010-02-06T11:43:00.000-06:00

Tye was snuggling with me this morning and we started talking about all kinds of things.

T: So you remember right, that I am going to keep living with you until I am 27?

M: Yes, I remember (not worth arguing about because I know he will change his mind, at least I hope so)

T: Well, I've been thinking that I should change that to 29, or even 30.

Super.

T: I'm going to marry you.

M: I know you love me so much honey, but you can't marry your mom.

T: But why?

M: Because I will be too old for you, and I will always be your mom, not your wife.

T: When I have kids you can be their grandma, ok?

M: And I can take care of your kids when you take your wife on a date.

T: Date! I can't go on a date! I don't have any money and I don't have a job!

So true...

Tye and Rachel

2010-02-03T21:23:00.001-06:00

Yesterday was Tye's 6th birthday. What a blessing he is! He was beyond excited, and the fact that yesterday was also Groundhog's Day, AND the 100th day of school, AND the 1st Annual Freddy the Falcon (our mascot) Day left Tye just plain pooped last night! He got several phone calls and lots of cards and some money in the mail, so he was thinking things were pretty great. He reminded several people today that he was "still six" and I am guessing he was hoping to ride the birthday train into another day! I can hardly believe he is 6! The day was much better for me than the day before...you can read about that on my other blog Memories of 2004 and see that the day before was a bit rough on me. Aside from a brief moment from Tye when he suddenly started wimpering about missing Daddy, the day was great. He chose Pagliai's for his b-day supper and they even sang to him!

Today is a break before the big day tomorrow when I officially am the mother to a teenager! Whew! I have so many wonderful memories of becoming a mom. I worked all day on Feb. 3, 1997 (preschool teacher) and decided around noon I thought maybe, just maybe, my water might be leaking. I wasn't due until Feb. 12. The doc wanted to see me right after school because I had been dialated at my appt. early the week before. Tim worked in the meat dept. at Hy-Vee, and we had tried to figure out a way to be discreet if I called in to the store to talk to him at an odd time. Needless to say, me calling in the early afternoon sent up red flags for all our excited co-workers (I had previously worked there too before teaching), and there was no disguising anything when Tim took the call and then left work! We went to the appt. and still we were both in denial. I went back and she checked me, and I was between a 4 and a 5. Huh? This wasn't what I was expecting for labor (again, don't hate me if your labor wasn't like this). I laugh now...she told me to go straight over to the hospital. I asked...but what will you do if I don't go into labor? I was so paranoid of being stuck there in labor for like 18 hours or something, and I REALLY didn't want to be induced. She said...you are having this baby tonight, no matter what because you are too far progressed. I was in shock. This wasn't anything I imagined. I came out of the exam room and into the waiting room and told Tim we needed to go to the hospital. I can still see the look on his face! I think he quit breathing for a little bit! He was so nervous. He would always say that he was really worried about holding the baby, and if it was a girl, he wouldn't know even what to do (very funny in hindsight, considering he now has 4 daughters). He never hoped for a boy, or at least never said so. Not to say he wouldn't have maybe loved to have a son, but all through my pregnancy he just hoped the baby would be healthy. We went on to the hospital and they hooked me up to the monitors. My mom was with us, and I will forever be thankful that I could share this with her (she was an OB nurse). I was having contractions but I couldn't feel them. I was loving that! They kept pointing them out on the monitor, and I was thinking, are you serious? Finally around 5pm or so, I was nearly at a 5 (no going back) so the doc broke my water. The next hour was still spent watching contractions on the monitor. I was hoping I could sail right on to a 10 just like this! Finally around 7 I could feel some serious cramping, and I remember thinking that we never discussed at lamaze that labor would feel like menstral cramps. I mean, it sounds logical and obvious, but I felt like I was back in high school with the really bad cramps that I hadn't had for years! The nurses were a buzz about the fact that it was supposed to snow that night, but as far as we knew, it was a clear as could be. Around 9pm, things started feeling a little more serious, and around this time we noticed that it was almost a blizzard outside! I still laugh because Tim was trying to help me breathe and Rachel was anything but normal! So much for the contractions that are 5 min. apart, the 4.5 min. then 4 and so on, or contractions that were 30 sec. long and then 45 long and then a min. long. She was all over the place. I would have a 30 sec contraction with a 4 min break, then turn around and have a 3 min. contraction with maybe 30 seconds in between. That crap about having Tim count down until my contraction was over was NOT working, and Tim was on the verge of hyperventilating because he was trying to help me. The nurses finally told him to just keep encouraging me, but stop trying to follow my breathing! He kept looking at me and I was looking at him like what the hell is happening? I guess when you go into it, you kind of hope it will follow like the book. The next thing I knew, the 3-11 nurses were deciding to spend the night at the hospital because the roads were so bad, and I was slowly seeing Feb. 3 leave me behind. I can't complain because 8 hours of labor with Rachel was my longest labor. Amberlea was my hardest labor, but moved much faster, and Tye was probably my fastest and easiest.

I was stuck for a while at 8 and thinking it was time to get this child out. Time seemed to stand still, and then suddenly everything was happening at once. The doc was on the way (in the snowstorm) and when I started pushing, I only had one great push and the most amazingly beautiful child came into our lives at 1:00am on Feb. 4. The Dukes of Hazzard was on the background, lol! Tim never blinked at what he should do with Rachel, he just jumped right in and never looked back. We were both overwhelmed with how precious she was! I am speaking for him too, but I know he and I both thoroughly enjoyed sharing our Baby Rachel with our families in the early hours of Feb. 4. That day was a snow day from school, so I got a freebie to start my maternity leave! She weighed in at 6lbs. 14 oz. and 19 1/2 inches long. It was the 2nd anniversary of the death of a very special grandpa in my life, and that helped Grandma Eickholt even better enjoy her new great-granddaughter. Rachel was the first grandchild on my side and on Tim's mom's side, and Tim's dad's first aside from his wife's grandchildren that he also considers his. She was the first great-grandchild on the Heflin side and I think she was the first on the Langley side, but I can't recall now. She was spoiled from the get go, but I wouldn't have it any other way.

Thank you God for blessing my life with this beautiful, smart, funny, amazing child. I love you Rachel!

Tomorrow night will be one of Rachel's favorites, fake chicken fajitas (I use chicken and rotel with lime and cilantro) and then also fruit and chocolate fondue. Looking forward to another special day in our lives...

The Story of My Week

2010-01-28T21:35:00.002-06:00

First of all, I got a hefty dose on the receiving end of homework this week. To say it has been hell is an understatement. One kid had a massive (in terms of a 4th grader) New York project. And while I normally would say I heart New York, this week my sentiments have not been as kind. I do not care that the state insect is a ladybug (cute) or that the state beverage is milk (yum), and I soooo did not care what the state muffin was, so we didn't find out. I was happy to see the wine red garnet as the state gem (my anniversary stone), but other than that, the only thing New York made me think of was getting away on vacation, like to Niagara Falls (also beautiful). Beyond that, I was really past hating this project. The teacher in me required the kid in 4th grade to do the work herself, which in turn made the mommy in me crazy!

And in the background, the 7th grader was multitasking...book report pieces that would eventually become giant Oreo concentration cards and a timeline of the Revolutionary War were all spread out on the office floor. I teach the Revolution (they were doing the timeline about a novel in a different class) and I was having trouble making the connection to the Oreo. I was pretty sure none of the Valley Forge provisions included the double stuffed delicacies. While that was all over the floor, she was trying to brainstorm her Optimist speech on "Cyber Communication: Progress or Problem." She was answering texts while I was gluing pictures on the Oreos, and I finally told her I thought her form of cyber communicating (aka. texting) was a problem, and then found out she was texting a friend about yet another project from school. Somewhere in the mix I figured out that the Oreos did not have anything to do with the Revolution, and spent the next few minutes digging everywhere on the computer for any information about the Battle of Philadelphia that happened in "either 1777, 1772 or 1775" because "those are the only dates left to pick from!" (lol) The Revolutionary War teacher in me was cursing Philly and still thinking about the poor Patriot forces camping out in the cold at Valley Forge, and somehow wishing we had some Oreos in the house.

Thin mints will have to do...

Back to the New York project, we were nearly ready to print when I got slammed with slope intercept. I love, love, love Math, could do it for hours, don't get bored at all, the numbers facinate me. But wow, checking 7th grade math is a challenge without an answer key. I find myself figuring 30 problems from a set each night she is with me, and some nights I am on the phone figuring them. While I love Saxon math and the spiral setup, it can knock you off your feet to reteach yourself slope for just 2 problems. That means that when the next 2 problems are on negative powers, I have to spend time remembering that, while seeing the upcoming problems and hoping with all my power that I can simplify and expand like terms, find the area, circumference and perimeter of various shapes, find proportions, and graph certain coordinates...all in the same math set. I've gotten to the point that I have retaught myself so much, it is actually a little easier now. But I still have to figure every answer to be able to check her answers. Tonight she called me at school before I left (still there at 5pm) to ask about a proportion question. It was a story problem, and having her tell me on the phone was quite funny...pretty sure she repeated herself about 5x! When it was done, I texted her and said "that was way too much brain stimulus!"

So the New York project is printing, and the slope is sloping, when along comes the 4th grader's book report info. Are you kidding me? Rachel was invited to the basketball game, and even though she had so much homework, she really wanted to go, and ~~Mom~~ she really needed a break. She was gone for a few hours, and came back for us to tackle the speech. By then, Tye and Amberlea were in bed, and I only had one kid saying my name. Luckily, she had already made a long list of pros and cons for cell phones, iPods, email, etc., and had a great quote ready to go. She had a good layout for her speech, and we were able to put it together quickly. It was ready to print, and all she had to do was put it on notecards and PRACTICE by tomorrow.

Midnight bedtime for a ~~13 year old~~ 12 year old (at least for 7 more days). Great mothering! But honestly, besides the ballgame, which was a necessary break in order for me to be sure little man wasn't tearing up the house and the middle child didn't feel completely neglected and the oldest child's brain didn't explode, there was not any other time in the day. She worked on homework straight through from when she got home until she crashed at nearly midnight.

By the time Wednesday came, I had done nearly 6 hours worth of homework in 2 days, and that was just the part that demanded my undivided attention. That doesn't include the other math sets I checked and the fact that I taught all week and did homework help tonight after school. My brain is tired.

And to top it off, I found out today that above mentioned middle child did ~~awful~~ not so great on a Science test this week. I am frustrated that I didn't remember to help her study, but even more frustrated that she didn't ask me or her dad or Abby (she's almost 10, and she needs to let us know). I wonder just when we would have had time to do this, but I know there was time. I think.

On the way out of school yesterday, I saw my sister. She was talking to Tori about getting her science experiment ready, and then another project that required research. I was thanking God dearly that Tye is not in Tori's 1st grade class, which would mean that we would also be doing all that work this week in the midst of everything else, and in that case I would really be ~~in the loony bin~~ stressed.

So what has Tye been up to? Running, skipping and galloping.

A lot.

That is the new rule in P.E. when you aren't listening. If you are talking or not paying attention during instructions or when the teacher asks, instead of sitting, you run (or skip or gallop). I saw the P.E. teacher in the office last Friday, and she mentioned that Tye had skipped and galloped quite a bit during class that day. We got a good laugh among friends, but I told her I would talk to him about this. We had a long talk over the weekend, and lots of reminders. On Tuesday, I happened to be in the hall upstairs, just as he was coming back from P.E. He hugged me and I kissed him on top of the head, finding out in a not-so-pleasant way that he was sweating! I said...ooo, you having been running! And before he could say anything, another kid said...yep, he has been running, but we haven't. I looked up into the eyes of the P.E. teacher, and she nodded and said...yep, he's been running.

Oooo. So it was a stern talking to, the "I'm going to be checking on you and blah blah.

So yesterday afternoon, I said...how did P.E. go today?

Hmmm....he stammered around and said...we didn't have P.E. today. So we walked on towards the van, and just as we were getting in, he said...we had music, and she sent me out in the hall. He just looked at me in a matter-of-fact stare. I said...great, now I have to check with both teachers.

Then today in the office after school, the P.E. teacher said...well, he ran again today. I just sighed. She knows I want to know, so she is doing great at keeping me updated. And she is my friend, so I feel like she tells it to me straight. She said...he isn't being bad, just not listening.

Did I mention there are 23 kids in his class? So there HAS to be some order, for gosh sakes. He HAS to follow the rules.

I asked...so what did he do? She said...when I asked everyone to get quiet so we could continue, as soon as it was completely silent, he would say...woo, woo. Repeatedly. As in, everytime she started to talk.

So he ran. He was kind of packing on the pounds at the beginning of the school year, and come to think of it, he has slimmed down some. I will have to ask her how much he has been running! So tonight there were more consequences and the guilt trip about being disrespectful to the teacher, and she is so nice and so on. He is going to work on earning some rewards, while also losing privileges if this continues.

Thank God tomorrow is Friday. Woo Woo!

Except that he has P.E. again.

Smokin Hot Kidz

2010-01-12T21:04:00.000-06:00

My eldest is a great big sister. I mean she has her moments, but is truly amazing with all the little ones in her life (one younger brother and three younger sisters). She loves to babysit, and did so for me on Friday night when I went for dinner and movie with a group of friends. Rachel had Kristen over, and Amberlea had Maddie, and they had a blast. Tye was right in the middle of things, and ended up with some lipstick and kisses, but hey, what boy doesn't like that!? The girls all commented on how much fun they had (the older girls did the younger girls' hair and makeup, and they were rock stars) and when I came home, A) the house was not destroyed; B) everyone was giggling; and C) I am pretty sure the neighbors didn't call the cops.

So all is good.

Then last night, I had to be gone for a little while, as the faculty and staff at my school had volunteered to cook for the Manna Kitchen. I ran the girls home around 3:15, ran my potatoes back to the church at 4, picked up Tye and ran home for a little bit, then back to the church by 4:45 to help serve from 5-6, cleanup and home by about 6:20. I even made extra potatoes so Rachel could have them (one of her favorites) and had everything set for them to have something for supper. The girls both had a lot of homework, so that kept them busy.

When I came in around 6:20, they were just fixing supper. Rachel had opened a can of cream corn instead of regular, and didn't know what to do with it. Besides that, the homemade meatloaf muffins were being warmed up and almost everyone was hungry.

Tye: I'm not hungry.

Me: Why not?

Tye: Cuz I just ate a poptart.

Me: (glaring at Rachel) Tye! You shouldn't be eating a poptart right when it is suppertime!

Tye: I ate 4 of them.

Now I am gasping, and Rachel looked like she had been shot! I mumbled something about doing such a great job of babysitting, and she was at least glad to almost be done with her homework.

Sigh.

Tonight I was home with the girls for a while. I joined the community center, so I wanted to go workout, and Rachel again said it was no problem because they had homework to do. I didn't plan to be gone long, but I did need to return some books to the libary and get another one. So I ran there first. When I came out, I sent her a text that she needs to finish the last book she has out from the library because it is overdue. Here is the rest of the texting...

Rachel: I know.

Me: The library cops r gonna get u! (maybe not, but I am making her pay the fine because she's had it long enough to be considered lost)

Rachel: Whatever! Amberlea just like made smoke.

I started to text back and then thought...hmm. That just doesn't sound good.

I called home and found out that Amberlea had fixed herself some Easy Mac. And burned it. To a crisp. Amberlea came down and told Rachel she thought she burned her mac and cheese, and could she come up and look. Rachel said smoke was billowing out of the microwave. She told me she had it under control now. I thought maybe the microwave was acting up, but she said that she turned around and made another batch right after that, and everything was fine. It appears the before mentioned middle child did not put enough water in the Easy Mac and then cooked it. Rachel said she took it out at 2 minutes and it was black.

When I got home, I could smell the smoke in the garage. The house was worse. Way worse. It just stinks. I said I wanted to see the finished product, and Rachel said that she threw it out in the snow. On the front step. Why Lord, why? So I checked and yep, there is a solid mass of barely recongnizable mac and cheese in a black clump in the snow on the front porch. How big is my yard, and they throw it out the front door!

Me: Amberlea, you could have burned down the house!

Amberlea: Um, um...

Rachel: Aren't you so glad I am such a good babysitter? I took care of everything.

Yes, thank God.

Ok, Alright, Enough Already...

2010-01-10T16:48:00.001-06:00

I am a lover of snow days! I prefer them to come in groups, instead of sporatically so that they can fully be enjoyed. Large blocks of time off from school are helpful with the teaching part, as I find it hard to have a day off here and there because it breaks up the consistency.
But...enough is enough. I have been home entirely tooooo long! Thank God for the movie plans on Friday night or I would be crazy by now! So much for my eating plan, although I haven't blown it, it just is in limbo. So much for working out because the community center childwatch hours are not condusive to my schedule on the weekends.

And I am soooo tired of cleaning house. I want my kids to stop eating and making dirty laundry and taking showers because it means I have to cook, do dishes, clean the kitchen, wash laundry, fold laundry, put away laundry, wash towels. Nevermind staying on top of the toys that have been drug out...
But after this week, I am yet again reminded that kids eating and making dirty laundry and needing me means I am blessed threefold with 3 great kids! I am also reminded that they are healthy and happy, as so many are not. I am reminded what a blessing each of them are in my life.

I have offered many prayers this week on behalf of the Pappert family who lost their little 3 mo. old Ryan this week. I could say something really poignant right now about God's plans and so on, but the words aren't there for me yet. I still struggle terribly with what God has planned for me, and I am pretty proud of the fact that I am still a believer, and I do think my faith is healing me. I had a chat with another new mommy today who has other children, and it seems we never stop worrying over what could happen to our children, regardless of their age. Not having a baby in the house does relieve the stresses that go along with those worries, while bringing about others. My oldest is a hop and a skip away from high school, and I wonder if I will sleep at all, worrying about all there is to worry in regards to a teenage child. But as the other mommy said, we just have to love them as long as we have them.

And I know of another mom who lost a teenage son to cancer. The only surviving child went off to college
a few months later. She said that a clean house and having the laundry caught up is overrated.

So thanks to my 3gr8kidz for the piled up laundry and dirty dishes. I did get somewhat caught up today, although created an even bigger mess when I started sorting the store room. Even so, my house is full of life and love, and that, in itself, is my biggest blessing.

Heartfelt Devotions...

2010-01-06T18:32:00.000-06:00

Tye: I don't want to move.

Me: Why not?

Tye: I want to go back to our old house.

Me: Why?

Tye: Cuz that's where Daddy was.

A long conversation later...

Tye: Also, I like sports, I don't want my room to be camouflage.

Me: We can paint your new room. How do you want it?

Tye: Hmmm....(finally) I think green and yellow.

Me: (I am thinking sports and Spoofhounds and wondering how he came up with that). Why green and yellow?

Tye: (with a look like duh!) John Deere Mom!

Me: Ooohhhh, John Deere. Ok, well, here's the deal. Papa Paul has worked on the other kind of tractor for 35 years, so we aren't doing your room in John Deere, but you can have John Deere things!

Tye: Ok, we can do it in orange (Agco).

Me: Or we can do sports.

By now he is starting to doze off, kind of batting his eyes.

Tye: I think I just want hearts.

Me: Hearts?

Tye: Yes, just hearts all over.

Me: For a boy's room?

Tye: Because I just love my family so much.

Awwww...is he so adorable and such a charmer.

Just like his dad...

UPDATE:
I repeated the story to Amberlea. She said, oh, he is just so cute! She giggled and went on. Then she came back in and said...so Mom, you are not really going to let him do his room in hearts, are you?

Tee Hee...

3 Great Kids Amaze Me!

2010-01-03T23:38:00.000-06:00

2day 3gr8kidz surprised me with a Precious Moments figurine...a little angel holding a heart with January and a birthstone on it. And Amberlea made a card to go along.

I was quite surprised that they remembered today is our anniversary. It makes me feel good to still celebrate. I had ever intention of watching our wedding video, which I have not done for several years, but when today came, I didn't feel like it. I knew it would bring out a lot of emotions, and I am not feeling like that right now, especially since we are going back to school tomorrow. I have also started a new diet, per say, actually new way of eating...using the Curves weight management program. It is phase I right now, which is only 1200 calories, and I figured I was a bit edgy right now as it is, I didn't need to give myself a reason to go off the deep end!

Instead I was able to just enjoy the day and live in the moment of my children acknowledging my sadness and also sharing in my happiness of a most wonderful day.

Thanks kidz...

Happy New Year 2010!

2010-01-01T01:08:00.000-06:00

I am so very thankful for my children. What a blessing they are in my life! I am looking ahead to the coming year with the hope that my life can take a different focus. The grief seems to weigh so heavily on my heart, and no amount of time that has passed has eased the pain. Have I gotten used to things? For the most part. There are things I will never be used to.

Like crawling in bed alone.

Or coming home to an empty house.

Or never hearing the sweet I love you's in my ear.

But I have reflected on so much over the last year, and the sadness is slowly being replaced by happiness again. I have to admit, some of it is forced. But that is ok, because for all the forced smiles, some have started to come on their own. I know it is what Brian would want.

And I am waiting for someone to come back that is never coming back. I am waiting for happiness, the happiness I had with Brian. And it is gone. The memories bring such pain, but also some semblence of that happiness, and for that I am thankful.

2010 will bring so much. My dad is getting married, so our family is changing yet again. Whoever thought we were in control of anything in our lives really? Life is ever-changing, and I can only hope to grow with life and not get lost in those changes. I will be moving, as I am buying my parents' house. I am very excited about this, and hope it might bring some peace in my grief of my mom. I never truly grieved for her because my life was so busy trying to save my dying husband. My emotions wouldn't allow me to do both, and so my grief for her was put on hold. Now, as my dad is getting married, I find myself going through some emotions that are long overdue. I am so thankful that I have the means to buy their house, and I can thank Brian for taking such good care of me and the kids for that. Ironic, no doubt, that he has to be dead for me to be able to afford to live in my dead mother's house. It is yet another way that he has taken care of things for me, so it is bittersweet.

I am joining the community center again. It is past time for me to take better care of myself. I have always been greatly affected by my emotions, and I really had to have them in check to even be able to attempt to lose some weight. I am hopeful that this year will find me healthier and more energetic, which in turn will make my life less stressful and more enjoyable.

I am baffled by the fact that another year has passed. I don't have a lot to show for that year, other than survival. I am getting kind of tired of just surviving life. I hope I can draw strength from Brian and my mom, as they both had so much life left to live in them, and I want that for myself too.

Deep breath.

A Near Miss

2009-12-27T23:11:00.000-06:00

Tye has been so very good at school. Not perfect. But very good. And a home and everywhere really. The days leading up to Christmas were just as good as many other days we've had this fall. And then it hit, about 8pm on Christmas Eve...

Jacob, Rosie and my dad came over and had pizza. I had been wrapping presents all day, considering I hadn't started before that morning! I was sitting upstairs chatting when Tye came up to get a drink. I noticed right away. A chunk out of the front of his hair. A big chunk. Actually a few big chunks down to the scalp.

Me: TYE! Did you cut your hair?

Tye: I accidentally did it!

Me: (pulling an Ann Heflin) If you need a haircut, tell me.

Tye: Mom, I need a haircut.

Me: Well, now you do! I don't know if Santa will come. (I know, it was mean, but it was the first thing I thought of.)

Tye: (in hysterics) What!? (crying)

Me...thinking jeez, it is just hair, and does it cancel all the other great things he has improved on?

Me: Ok, so just go sit on your bed for now.

Later...

Tye: Can I get up?

Me: Not until your hair grows back (another Ann Heflin).

Tye: What!?

Me: You better start praying.

Silence.

Tye: Can I go to the bathroom?

Me: Yes.

A few seconds later...

Tye: (somewhat bewildered) Mom! My hair isn't growing. I said some prayers!

So I decide to put him out of his misery and let him get up. I left his hair like that for a few days and let his sisters and everyone else make comments about how bad it looked! We finally trimmed it a little today because I didn't want to buzz it off completely in this weather, and I can get by with it for Christmas break!

Get Out of Jail Free, or Not

2009-12-19T22:07:00.002-06:00

Hopefully it is ok that I reveal this info...

Tye and Amberlea went home with Phillip and Denise after the Christmas program. I had a bunch of things to get ready for the weekend in Unionville, and Rachel was babysitting for her little sisters, so that worked great for me. Just before Albany, Phillip met a patrolman, who happened to think he was driving too fast and stopped him. More on what happened later.

So Phillip went up to sit with the patrolman in his car, and Denise and the kids waited. Tye told Grandma..."My dad told my mom that if I get in jail, just leave him there." We were just cracking up because I have told Tye that Daddy wants him to stay out of jail and that I shouldn't bail him out. Mind you, this has just been in funny conversations...like once he was arguing about putting on his seatbelt. I finally said...the cops will get you. He said...will you come get me out of jail? And I said...nope, Daddy said to leave you there if you end up in jail!

Tye spilled the beans to me the second I got here today! Papa had a nice chat with the patrolman and a verbal warning (lucky)! That was after blaming his lead foot on the kids wanting ice cream at DQ in Bethany! Ha!

Holy Smoly

2009-12-15T21:04:00.001-06:00

Today was yet ANOTHER ~~wonderful~~ day of leaving school so late that it was already dark! As I turned from 7th street up Dewey and crested the hill, I could see shadows in front of me. The top of the hill was essentially between street lights, so it was dark. To the east is a large plot of tree-covered land, and deer often trot back and forth from east to west right through there. I slowed all the way down and said...Tye, look! 5 fairly decent sized deer crossed infront of us.

Tye: WOW, holy crap!

I am agast! I am choking on my gasps, and trying not to laugh, while still trying to figure out how he hears this stuff. I have nixed the crap talk in our house and we've been working so hard.

So we went back to practicing...holy moly, holy cow, holy smoly, oh my, oh goodness...no holy crap.

Sigh.

Also, Amberlea threw up in the night last night around 2:30. I got her and the bathroom all cleaned up, but it woke Tye. Amberlea was back to bed snoring, while Tye was a chatterbox and trying to figure out if she felt ok. Then this morning he jumped out of bed and went in to check on her, then came back and said...Mom, she's not good, she needs to stay home today, so who is staying with her?

He was very concerned with her! Then I ran into Josie, the girls' little sister who is in Tye's class (yes, I know, it is odd but actually nice) and she was worried about Amberlea being sick, and asked me if I thought she was feeling better.

It was really cute.

Signs that I am TOO busy!

2009-12-09T19:22:00.002-06:00

Today I did not start the washer, add detergent and forget to close the lid. No, because that would seem like something that could easily happen. I did not walk into the laundry room and notice that the washer was full of suds. I did not cuss and then close the lid so it would finish washing. I did not hurry and empty the dryer so it would be ready for the next load out of the washer. And I certainly did not stand there in the laundry room reading my romance novel, waiting for the washer to stop. That would totally be crazy, considering there was nothing in the washing machine. And that would mean I am so busy that all I can get done is imaginary laundry, which would in turn mean that I might be losing it a little, and I can't ever imagine that to be the case.

Amberlea's Late Night Adventure

2009-12-04T22:21:00.000-06:00

T'was the night before Friday, when all through the house, not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse...

Amberlea was ~~nestled all snug in her bed~~ out on the lawn in the middle of the night, apparently.

No joke.

As I said, we were all snug in our beds. I was startled awake by the sound of my front door opening. I jumped out of bed and hollered.

Amberlea replied...it's just me Mom.

I raced in through the hall toward Tye and Amberlea's rooms, and met Amberlea in the livingroom.

Amberlea...I was just checking to see if I left my coat on the front porch.

Me...No, you didn't, your coat is in here.

By then I could see she was sleep walking, and I just ushered her back to her bedroom. I looked towards the front door, which was closed, and went on back to bed. My alarm clock said 12:50 a.m. I laid there trying to think what exactly had just happened!

Fast forward to this morning...

Everyone was getting ready as usual. I noticed that the front door was unlocked, and kind of chuckled at myself about last night, thinking that I was going to say something to Amberlea about her coat to see if she remembered. I backed out of the garage and got quite the surprise!

On the lawn, near the sidewalk and close to the front bushes...was Amberlea's comforter from her bed!

Me...hey, Amberlea, what is up with that? (and I pointed)

The look on her face was priceless! I told her what had happened with the front door.

Amberlea...I have no idea how that got there!

Then she went on to tell me that she didn't remember anything about the coat or getting out of bed. She did remember waking up and feeling like she was freezing. I said...yeah, freezing like 17 degrees! She has no memory of going outside, and based on where the bedding ended up, she was well off the porch and onto the front sidewalk.

I am reviewing my options for an alarm. Her dad suggested a set of jinglebells on her ankles to alert us! My sister wondered if she has ever done this before, God forbid! I was thinking, I sure hope not!

Tell Me About My Daddy...

2009-11-22T14:23:00.000-06:00

Saturday morning...no early morning plans. Mommy is NOT a morning person, so we slept in. I did set my alarm so the sleeping in was not out of control! After my alarm went off and I pushed snooze, I just had dozed back off when I felt Tye snuggling up next to me. I opened my eyes and he was looking at me.

Mom, did my dad like to snuggle?

Thus began a long conversation about Daddy. What did he like to eat? Did he read books? And watch t.v.? Did he go hunting? (no) What did he do when he was my age? Did he like to play with me? Did he have a dog? (Yes, Freck) Was he in kindergarten once? Did he like school? And what about football, did he like football? And baseball? And basketball, because I love basketball? (yes, I did tell him that Grandma let Daddy skip school to watch March madness)...Did he like dinosaurs? And what about pizza? Did he like cookies?

It was really a beautiful conversation. I kept it light-hearted, and saved the tears for when I climbed in the shower and thought to myself that I have quite a responsibility on my hands to make sure Tye knows who Brian was. It is very overwhelming. I am proud to be able to tell him about Brian, but I long for him to know these things firsthand, not from me.

X-Rated Thanksgiving?

2009-11-20T22:30:00.000-06:00

Tye crawled in bed the other night and said...I love school. I hugged him and said...I know you do. He continued...we really have been learning a lot about naked Americans. We even learned a naked American dance. (I am gasping by now). Did you learn about naked Americans when you were in kindergarten?

No.I.did.not.

Tee Hee...

Wonder if the naked Americans played with the penguins my nephew thought were at the first Thanksgiving!

I have always told the kids' teachers...I will only believe 1/2 of what my kid comes home and tells me about school if you only believe 1/2 of what he comes to school and tells you about us.

Quick Update

2009-11-18T17:51:00.000-06:00

Sorry it has been so long...I blinked and October was over, and bam...past halfway through November.

Rachel switched straight from volleyball to basketball. She and I were just chatting last night that her bball season will be over already in 2 more weeks. Wow! I have thoroughly enjoyed watching her play, and I'm working on not yelling from the crowd! She really enjoys sports, and plans to play both in high school. I do think she will really enjoy a little break and the chance to go straight home after school when the season is over. Track doesn't start until March, but the way the year is going, it will be here before we know it.

Amberlea is doing well in school. She is a happy kid, and I enjoy her laughter and sense of humor. Last night we made 4 batches of meatloaf. We washed our hands real well, then use them to mix the hamburger and egg. The hamburger had been thawing in the fridge, and it was still very cold. She bet me that she could keep her hands in longer than me. It was actually pretty funny, and we did a lot of giggling. We were both saved from losing the bet by the phone ringing. I love being crazy with my kids.

Tye went hunting with Grandpa this weekend. He had lots of fun, and we have watched the bow hunter video he brought home about 5x. He even was up at 4:30 to go hunting, but fell asleep in the deer stand! He told Grandma that they didn't see any deer, raccoons or bears. Grandma was happy to hear that no bears were spotted! Tye was sad to come home, but we'll be back in a few weeks for Thanksgiving.

I keep super busy with school and home. I have tried to take some time for myself and read. It is something I can enjoy for myself, instead of cleaning and doing laundry all the time. I would like to start working out again, and hopefully that will come over the holidays.

Hope this finds you all doing well.

Daddy Kisses from Tye

2009-10-08T20:59:00.000-05:00

I am in the office working on yet another thing for school. Tye came in with a blue tube of medicated blistex and asked me if it was Daddy's. He found it in Rachel's bathroom. It caught me off guard. Brian used this kind of chapstick from the moment I met him. I remember him putting it on during our first date, and him commenting that he always had chapped lips. I remember how many times I would cringe when I figured out that a tube of that blistex had gone through the dryer and I now had to treat all the clothes with shout to get out the oil stains! Before I could respond, he pulled off the lid and started putting some on. Then he kissed me great big on the cheek., and the smell came over me and nearly stopped my breathing. I remembered how soft his lips were on mine, how good it felt to have him close to me, to kiss me. I remembered how he would have several tubes in different places. And I remember how hard it has been to once in a while find those tubes where I least expect it. Like once I reached in my purse for a pen and grabbed the blistex. I didn't even know where it had come from!

Tye has now kissed me like 5 times, and so I have a clear coat of blistex on my right cheek that smells just like Brian.

I had forgotten. And now I remember.

Heskimos and more!

2009-09-30T20:53:00.002-05:00

Tonight we were out grabbing a bite to eat. It was all four of us, which has been rare lately with our crazy schedule of activities! Tye decided he wanted to play a game.

Tye: I will sound out the animal and you guess.

Girls: Ok!

Tye: K-K (as in the hard C sound). They guessed. Then he whispers and asks what sound the O makes in cow. So he sounds it out and adds on the OW sound.

Rachel: COW! (she was doing a great job of playing along)

Tye: You guessed it! Now it is your turn.

So she did one and he guessed. Then it was his turn again.

And he starts...H-H-H.

She guesses H.

He continues. He gives the short i sound, like in the word IT.

She guesses I.

Next...G-G-G.

She and I look at each other, a bit perplexed.

She guesses G. Yep.

So then she asks him, is this an animal?

Tye: No, it isn't an animal. L-L-L.

L? she asks. Yep.

Now OOOO.

She and I stare at each other. Amberlea kind of cocks her head in confusion.

Rachel: Um, HIGLOO?

Tye: Yep! Good job, you got it...higloo! You know, a higloo?

Rachel: Ok, but it is igloo, not higloo. Eskimos live in igloos, not higloos.

Tye just giggled and was quite surprised to learn this new bit of information. We were all very excited about his ability to sound things out like that, regardless.

Go Falcons!

2009-09-14T21:20:00.001-05:00

Today was Rachel's first volleyball game. We made the trek to South Holt, and they won! It was so much fun watching her play. Rachel got a few good digs and several good serves. I could tell she was nervous, even if she won't admit it!

A Few Laughs

2009-09-08T23:15:00.004-05:00

On the way to Bethany to pick up Tye and go out for dinner with Phillip and Denise...

Amberlea: Camero's? What is Camero's?

Me: It's like a steak house.

Amberlea: Ooo, steak! I love ribs, pork and steak. I'm a ribs, pork and steak alcoholic!

Now that was just plain funny! I said, you mean you are a steak-aholic. Oh, that's what she meant!

I had the chance this weekend to spend time with Rachel and Amberlea, just us girls. We watched My Girl. The girls had never seen it. Despite the fact that before I ever saw it back in high school, my little sister told me that the boy dies, so the whole thing was ruined...I still cry every.single.time! The worst part is when Veda runs into the casket and is telling people that Thomas J. is missing his glasses. We got a good cry and talked about how difficult it would be to lose a friend.

I forgot one of the funniest lines of the movie, when Veda realizes she has started her period. Shelly and Veda go upstairs and have a "talk", and Veda says...my mom and dad did that?! But the line that had us laughing our heads off...Thomas J. comes to the door and asks if she wants to go swimming. She shoves him and says...NO! And don't come back for 5-7 days! Amberlea didn't get it, but it seemed to slip by her ok for now!

We are off and running in yet another busy week. Throw youth group in there, and we've got a duke's mixture of activities that keep us hopping! And the homework, oh my! Rachel has really had to adjust to the homework load, and I am thankful that she had already developed good study habits.

Tye's teacher stopped me today to let me know that he had a great day! Again, I am thankful, and I appreciate her helping him work on things. I know that a few good days (we're up to about 5 decent days in a row) doesn't mean we don't have things to work on, but I certainly don't feel as frustrated as I did during the first week of school.

Tonight at dinner, I asked the kids how their day went. Before anyone could answer, Tye said...no, we are going to do it this way.

Tye: You need to say to me...Hey, Tye, what do you say, what did you do in puters (computers) today?

The girls and I repeated, and he told us he typed. Then he preceded to sing the same things to the girls...Hey, Amberlea, what do you say...and then on to Rachel. He had to think of something else because Rachel didn't have "puters" today! It was fun and the girls got a good laugh.

Tye is big into homework. Hearing Rachel talk about hers, he thinks he's got to get all his done. He made a list of words that rhyme with cat. I would just say bat, and he would sound it out and write it. He got cat, bat, sat, rat, pat, mat and hat. I was pretty impressed. Amberlea was trying to help him and said black...what? I said...black doesn't rhyme with cat. She just giggled and said, oh! Then he did dog and log, then tree and bee. He was entirely too busy to do much of anything besides all that homework tonight! I'm so happy to see him interested in academics, instead of just farting and burping and playing on the playground!

Tye Update

2009-09-01T20:16:00.002-05:00

I am actually still blogging on both sites. Be sure to go to www.halleyswaronmelanoma.blogspot.com to keep up with details about my life without Brian, and how I am dealing with it all. I also often rant and rave about melanoma. But I seem to be having trouble distinguishing WHICH blog to write on when it comes to the kids. I wrote an entry on the other blog entitled Football Frustrations , mostly ranting about no daddy and the daily trials of a very active kindergartener.

Well, tonight I wanted to report just on Tye, so here I am, on this blog. The last few days have been much better. Not perfect, just better. So we are making progress. I have really made a big deal about his progress, and we continue to talk constantly about how he needs to act. He even did better at football tonight and had a lot of fun doing the drills. He had on his uniform for pictures and looked adorable.

When we got in the van, he said that he was so hungry he couldn't stand it. I said, well, you've had a good couple of days. Where do you want to go? Pagliai's, of course, so off we went.

We at pizza and chatted about the day. I quizzed him on the kids in his class and he made me guess most of them by who started with which letter of the alphabet. He told me about the weather and how many days he has been in school (11...they are counting to the 100th day). I told him again that I was really happy that he was working so hard on listening. (disclaimer...I know he has a ways to go!). He told me they lost something in their room and made me guess. It has 6 legs. Hmmm...before I could answer, he said...well, I think it has 6 legs. I guessed the pet crab, Hermie. He told me all about Hermie's escape and how Mrs. W found it near the bathroom.

Then he scrunched up his face and said...but Mom, I did have a little trouble today. I sighed and said...really, why? Well, I sneezed all over the puter (computer). I busted out laughing. I guess I am so used to the punching and pushing and whatever else, that I totally didn't expect that to come out of his mouth. I said...well goodness, what did you do? He said...I just cleaned it up. Super.

It is a good thing he's cute!

Deeply Saddened by the News

2009-08-28T23:00:00.003-05:00

This week I was deeply saddened to hear of a young St. Joe boy who took his own life. I have spent many moments this week in prayer for him, his family, friends, teachers, and for all who find themselves in a situation that seems so bleak. This child was only 14 days younger than my Rachel (12 1/2). He looks like he could be anybody's child, and I know he is loved and missed my many. My heart aches in knowing this pain will last forever.

I think one thing that has changed drastically about me is my empathy. I mean I always cried at movies, felt sad for others, and thought about how I would feel in other situations. But being in the midst of my own tragedies, my own trials and my own grief, I find I empathize with so many about any type of loss. And having a child the same age just hits home. While we can never know what truly led him to this, I pray that he might have peace, and that his family may be surrounded by the love of others to bring them through these difficult days.

A Few Comments and then Lots of Pictures!

2009-08-23T19:56:00.011-05:00

We went to the Ed Phillips Memorial Rodeo over the weekend. Tye actually went on Friday night also, but we all went on Saturday, along with Phillip and Denise. The weather was simply beautiful. If you have never been, it is just a lot of fun, and I don't know why I haven't gone more in my life (just went for the 1st time last year).

The announcer asked that the kids get back from the fence. Tye wasn't really climbing on the fence much, but I hollered for him to come back up and sit with us. He climbed the stairs and then questioned us. I said...the guy said kids are supposed to come back and sit with their Moms and Dads. He replied...but I don't have a dad to sit with!

Sigh...

Tye: Mom, I really want to be a man who has a horse.

Me: Ok, maybe someday.

Tye: But, Mom! I don't have a mustache yet. I need a mustache.

Tye and Zep

Me at the Atlantic Ocean (1st time to see the ocean). Boston was beautiful!

Tye tending to Daddy's grave on Father's Day.

He decided he didn't want flowers, so he took Royals balloons instead.

Grandma and Tye on the balloons at Adventureland

3 GREAT KIDS waiting in line to ride Tye's first rollercoaster

Tye on the Carousel

Denise, Rachel and Me enjoying a relaxing ride!

Tye on the Frog Hopper...he giggled the whole time!

Grandma and Rachel on the train

Rachel and Amberlea on the washing machine (can't remember what it was called).

I rode it too, and it was a doozie! This was one of the times I sat out because I think I am too old for this kind of ride!

Easily one of Tye's favorite rides!

Tye is packed and ready for his first day of kindergarten!

Thanks to our neighbor Cindy, who happened to be walking her dog, so she snapped a few pictures of us together before we left.

Amberlea all ready for her 1st day of 4th grade...seems like she just started school! Notice the toe...stubbed it real bad and had to have some dramatic rehab for it!

Mom and Tye, snuggling up before leaving! It is harder when it is your last one going to kindergarten!

Tye with his teacher, Mrs. Wiederholt

Rachel almost made us all late, but hey, doesn't she look great for her first day of 7th grade. Wow, how the time has flown! She reminds me often how close she is to high school and how close she is to driving...sigh.

3 GREAT KIDS! Ready for school!

School Has Started

2009-08-19T20:20:00.003-05:00

Tye (upon leaving Barb's just before lunch last week): I am STARVING!

Me: We are headed home and I will make lunch.

Tye: I mean I'm really hungry!

Me: It sounds like it.

Tye: I'm so hungry I could eat a...a...a whole person!

Me: Wow!

Tye: I could eat a whole pizza place!

Me: Wow, I can tell you are really hungry! You know, when you are super hungry, sometimes people say they are so hungry they could eat a horse.

Tye: HORSE! Ha! I wouldn't want to eat a horse!

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Tye (on the way home from the first day of kindergarten): I'm tired.

Me: I know, you look tired.

Tye: I had a great day!

Me: I am so glad!

Tye: And you know what, I didn't even miss you one bit.

Me...sigh.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

I am missing a cord to my camera, so I can't upload the pictures of the kids on the first day of school. I also have some on my camera from our trip to Adventureland, so hopefully I can get those up soon. The 1st and 2nd day of school went well, with the exception of Tye working on not punching anyone! Thankfully, his punching is friendly, albeit the recipients don't like it, but at least it isn't a mad punch, more of a silly-I can't control myself-I want to wrestle you kind of punch. Boys, I swear. We are going to really be working on this. We have worked really hard on sleeping in his own bed, going to bed on his own, all that. It is going very well, and it is so hard to work on lots of things at once! I mean, it's not like anyone at home is punching him, so I don't know what his deal is. I don't see Tye hardly at all during the day, so that is good for us both, with him wanting to run to me last year. I do get to see Amberlea a little bit more at lunch because last year it was literally a quick hi and she was gone. Rachel was in my class last year, so I have missed her this year...doubt she has missed me! I'll get to see her tomorrow for 7th grade social studies, and she'll love me because they have a lot of homework in there! She is pretty studious, so I'm sure she'll be fine and actually like the fact that they have work time in there also. She's popped her head in a few times to see me, which has been nice. Great perk of teaching where your kids go to school!

Tomorrow also starts volleyball for Rachel, which means she basically has something after school everyday through Dec. 3 because volleyball and basketball are literally back to back...maybe a few days off. She is excited, and she does seem to do well when she has a lot going on. She loves being with her friends too, so all that extra after school means more friend time!

I think we are going to be very busy in the coming months...

Update

2009-08-13T20:45:00.003-05:00

I am still trying to figure out each time just which blog I should write on. I try to categorize, am I writing about melanoma or life as a widow or dealing with Brian's death, or am I writing about normal kid things. Anyway, I still don't have it straight yet. If you saw the other blog recently, I talked about Tye wanting to go to the cemetery. I decided tonight to do some updating on here about a few things that have happened this week, even though some of it does have to do with Brian.

It took several days to get to "Daddy's Garden". Each time, Tye would change his mind. We went the other night after being at Wal-Mart, and he had conned me into a drink. He hopped out of the van and carried his drink over and checked things out. He thought it was interesting that the grass was shorter all around Brian and Mom's graves. I pointed out that Papa weed eats to keep it cleaned up! He climbed up on Brian's headstone and just sighed. Then he said...you sit on your mom's too. So I sat on my mom's headstone, and we looked at the clouds, which had kind of an orangy purple color with the sun shining just right. He drank his drink and we talked. He turned around the opposite way on the headstone. Brian and Mom are buried at the edge of the cemetery near a field. He said...I'm pretty sure they planted corn here last year, but now it looks like soybeans. Then he climbed down and went over to the edge of the field, shook his head and said...hmm, looks good. Then he told me he thought he should call Papa Phillip to see how his soybeans are doing.

Then we walked up a few graves to where my grandparents and my Uncle Gary are buried. Tye put his hands on his hips and said...hmm, the grass is shorter here too! Maybe someone weed eated this! I said...well, Papa did this too because these are my grandparents, and this is Grammie's brother. He looked shocked and said...you have a grandpa? Then he straightened a few things on Gary's grave, and off we went.

He announced that he wanted a daddy pillow for school. I was caught off guard and totally didn't even think about making one out of one of Brian's t-shirts. I got some Royals fleece and a pre-made pillow, and this little Susie Homemaker whipped up a pretty decent pillow! I surprised myself even! This morning when I showed him, he squeezed it and then said...it doesn't smell like Daddy! I said...well, ok, what do you want to do? He went and got Brian's cologne and sprayed it, then smiled and sniffed the air. He had a look on his face like Heaven, like he was smelling chocolate chip cookies or something. It was heartbreaking and precious. He picked Brian's favorite Jeff Gordon shirt for his paint shirt at school.

I am very excited that he could incorporate some things of Brian's for kindergarten. It is bittersweet because I so wish it wasn't my kid who had to settle for the smell of his Daddy or an old shirt to be close to him. These things seem to make him very happy right now, and it feels good for him not to be so sad about Daddy. He was very excited to show his teacher too!

He has slept in his own bed for FOUR nights now! Wow! If you don't know, he has slept with me since Brian died. Most of it was for him, some of it was for me. I have tried to transition him back, but it hasn't worked. I am working really hard this time, and so far so good. He has enjoyed Amberlea climbing into bed with him to snuggle on a few nights, but last night she wasn't here, so he went to sleep on his own! The night before last she had snuggled with him, then got out of bed and climbed in bed with me. I didn't even realize it until I got up. Then when he was up and getting dressed, he came in, looked at her in bed, and said...WHAT is SHE doing in here! I fibbed a little and said she got in bed when she heard my alarm. He said...ok then, and had that look like he was going to be keeping track now!

The girls got everything to their rooms tonight for open house. I can barely fathom that Rachel is now in 7th grade and Amberlea is in 4th! They are both excited for another great year. Rachel is getting ready to start volleyball and be super busy for the next several months! Amberlea will start soccer soon also, and Tye will be doing soccer and flag football both.

My dad helped me out tonight with open house since I needed to be in my classroom. He took Tye for the evening, then brought him up for a light supper in the gym and on to my room. Dad hung out with Tye and me while Tye unpacked his school supplies. It has certainly been a few years since he's chased a kid around St. Gregory's! Thanks Dad for the help!

Argh Matey!

2009-08-09T21:54:00.002-05:00

I just went shopping with my 9 year-old at Wal-Mart. It is always an event when she is with me alone. She has quite a personality. She had a shopping list with her that included a mango and coconut milk, which came from a late night discussion on foods from Hawaii! So...we ran into my secretary from school and were chatting. Amberlea came back with dried mango. Janet sent her son with Amberlea to find a fresh mango, and she is on cloud 9. Thanks Shawn!

And then she started talking pirate talk. I was cracking up. The cool as a cucumber checker was even cracking up because she makes for a pretty good pirate!

There was a pretty good storm tonight. Actually it still seems to be lingering. Amberlea always gets a bit wound up when the weather is like this...I think it makes her nervous.

Tomorrow I am heading back to school. I have a ton of work to do, so I can only hope to be productive!

Kidz Update

2009-07-28T18:53:00.003-05:00

I have several things to update, but I'm starting with the girls. Rachel has reminded me that I blog about Tye a lot, so I'm going to start with the girls today...

Rachel has been very busy this summer. Summer Spike volleyball in Fairfax started immediately after school was out. She was a bit nervous (me too) because she has never really played volleyball. But she needed to figure it out since she'll be playing interscholastic at school this fall. She made amazing improvements, and she (and I) don't think she'll embarrass herself too much! Ha! Actually, she's doing pretty well and she did really have fun with it, and I thought it was a lot of fun to watch. She also went to the high school volleyball camp, which she enjoyed also.

She decided to stay on swim team this year. I hope she does again next year so I can have all three of my kids in the same activity for at least one summer! She seemed to still enjoy it, and she knows it is great exercise. We've gone to the pool a lot, but sometimes we go in spurts. Now that I think about it, we haven't been for a few weeks (thanks to the interesting fall weather).

She loved loved loved music camp. Again, the social side of her makes her really enjoy things like this, but she loved the music. She and her friends already have plans to actually stay at the dorms next year.

She is also babysitting for my sister's kids once a week. This has been a great way for her to make money and get babysitting experience, and she enjoys spending time with Tori and Don. She has had the chance to do a little bit of other babysitting, but would love to do more.

Rachel has been very social this summer. She keeps busy on the computer and texting, and she meets herself coming and going a lot. She goes from one activity to another, and has a hard time understanding that we want her at home with us too. She loves to hang out with friends, go on bike rides, talk on the phone, just sit and chat. She is a very fun kid to be around!

She got her top braces off. The bottoms had to wait another 6 weeks, and will come off tentatively on Aug. 20. She has had her tops on since the first week of September 2006, and I am just amazed that so much time has passed. She has grown up so much, in so many ways! I would have been ok if the doctor would have just said for her to leave her braces on for a few more years because she looked a lot younger with them! One night we were out to eat at Applebee's with Brian's parents, and we had all ordered a drink. She asked if she could get one too, and then she ordered a strawberry daiquiri. She barely paused to tell the girl that she wanted it non-alcoholic, but before she could, the girl kind of looked at her like hmm. I cut her off and said...virgin please. She said...I thought she wasn't old enough. I said...um, she's 12! She looked at both of us like, no way! I looked at Rachel and thought, ok, she doesn't look 12 but she sure doesn't look 21, does she?

Rachel also went to tennis camp, which gave her a chance to simply learn how to play the game. The kids and I all got tennis rackets in our Easter baskets, and now she can play instead of just walking around hitting the ball.

She is gearing up for 7th grade, and the fact that her schedule will be very hectic with all the activities she is involved in. I love chasing her around to everything, and she loves being involved and staying active.

Amberlea has also been busy this summer, but not nearly as much as Rachel. She enjoyed swim team also this year. She is in that really odd stage where she is too young for everything. Too young for tennis camp, too young for other activities that Rachel was involved in. She also doesn't have nearly the social life that Rachel has (Rachel didn't at her age either) but that is hard for her to understand Rachel always having something to do. It is sometimes hard for Rachel to understand that Amberlea has nothing to do, and she needs to spend time with her instead of other friends. I have been able to spend a lot of time with Amberlea, just the two of us. She has slept with me several times, and I chuckle because she talks and talks as soon as we get in bed. She has a very funny sense of humor!

The other day we "shopped" through her school supplies from last year to see if anything could be reused. She remembered that she had a brand new backpack in her closet from 2nd grade. I had forgotten about it, in the midst of Brian dying and us moving. I said...well, go get it. She said...um, I think it is full! So we dug through the supplies from 2nd grade also! She has always been my keeper...she hoards things and finds use in all kinds of things. Like once she kept a pair of tights that had a rip in the thigh...she cut them off to make socks, then figured out that they wouldn't stay up! Another time when she was about 2, I couldn't find my calculator and she went and looked in her bottom dresser drawer and found it. Last year when I painted the bathroom, she begged me to let her keep the empty paint can because "I have always wanted one". I shouldn't complain because we were able to cross off over half of her school supplies from the list!

I find Amberlea to be a typical 2nd child. She has a hard time realizing that Rachel is doing things that we didn't let her do at Amberlea's age. I think I have finally convinced her that Rachel has some things she will need for school that she just doesn't need, but she will need them someday.

I've already updated a lot of Tye. He went to the dentist for the first time yesterday. No cavities! Always great, of course. I have wondered about a front tooth of his on the top left because in the past several months, I noticed that it seems pushed forward. Before he lost the other teeth, I originally thought maybe it was just loose. He would comment once in a while that it felt funny, but it didn't feel loose to me. Then he lost the bottom two, one in May and one about 2 weeks ago. The x-ray showed significant root damage. The dentist said it looked like it was caused by trauma, that he had likely bumped his tooth at some point. He asked me if I remembered anything, and of course I didn't. It did make me think about the story of Brian, as he lost his front teeth a few years too early when he hit the handlebars on Uncle Rog's motorcycle. So he had no front teeth for a few years! Anyway, so the dentist said he wanted to check a little more, and while he was starting to look at his mouth again, said it looked like something that could become a problem. He said it would not be a vital tooth since the root is dead. He was still in the middle of explaining it to me, saying that we would have to watch it so it didn't develop a red area or like a puss pocket, when he lifted Tye's top lip and there it was...a big red area that clearly showed an abscessed tooth! So he stopped mid-sentence and said...the tooth fairy needs that tooth! So Tye is schedule to go "float on a cloud" and get that tooth removed on Aug. 10th. Now I kind of wish he would just bump it out because I really hate paying to pull a baby tooth that will probably fall out in the next 6 mos. anyway! But I could see it too, and we looked again on the x-ray to see the damage and infection in the root...it was also messing with the incoming tooth and causing it to not be even with the other one. His school pictures in Aug. will be interesting, with just one front tooth (if it lasts that long because they loosen up pretty quickly when they are the only one doing the job).

The kids are all at vacation Bible school. Rachel is actually volunteering this year and loving the little preschoolers. Tye and Amberlea are enjoying the songs, and I was able to go on-line and buy the CD. The summer is quickly winding down! I have been the mom taxi all summer, and I am thankful for being a teacher so I can do it instead of having to hire someone. I have been all over the place!

I Didn't Do it, and I'm a Loser Pants

2009-07-21T00:25:00.002-05:00

Tye is in rare form today. He is soooo ready for school. I think he really misses playing with friends, and his sisters aren't giving him the attention he wants, so he is finding ornery ways to get it.

The day started out with Rachel quite surprised by the pink water coming from the faucet. Seems that there was an equipment malfunction at the water plant, and too much sodium permangenate was added. The water maintenance guy told me it was like that all over town, and that it is safe to drink. I was thinking, are you kidding? Then he said he wouldn't drink it, and then also warned me not to wash any white clothes.

So I headed downstairs to tell Tye so he wouldn't drink the water. I didn't think it would harm him, but I just decided we would all avoid it, considering the other crazy things that have happened to us.

Hey Tye, come here a minute....as he was coming to the bathroom, I pulled the plug on the sink and started running the water.

I said...something is wrong with the water.

Before I could finish, he looked very curiously at the sink and said...I DIDN'T DO IT!

Amberlea was cracking up! So he was quilty of something first thing this morning.

Then I realized he was using a glass cup as a peg leg for his pirate costume.
Then he decided to dust, and got a little carried away. A few pictures fell, but all is well.

Then he flung a large hair band at Amberlea and hit her in the eye. She was sitting on the floor playing with the magnetix. He told her he was sorry about 50 times and begged her to let him play. Finally they decided to make pictures with the magnets and have each other guess. I was guessing, and I couldn't tell what his was. He crumpled up the magnets and said, she's a winner and I'm a loser pants.

Laugh.

Giggle.

Chuckle.

I mean, what DO you say to that?

He asked me the other day what you call a baby woodpecker. I was like, well, um, let me see. Rachel was laughing her head off, and saying, yeah, come on Mom, what do you call a baby woodpecker? I was giggling, and finally I said that I guessed it was like any other bird.

He said...NO! Mom! You just call it a baby woodpecker.

Amberlea slept with me last night. It was a lot of fun because I have had a lot of trouble getting to sleep for the last several weeks, so Tye was conked out, and Amberlea was rambling a mile a minute. She was so excited to be able to tell me all about her float trip, uninterrupted and unedited (you know, Rachel not correcting her).

Another Birthday

2009-07-19T23:15:00.003-05:00

Today is my birthday. My 36th birthday. So I'm not a 34 year-old widow anymore.

I awoke this morning to a tap on my door. Tori, Luke and Erin were there with fresh-baked cinnamon rolls! They brought a card, and also a singing card from my children, which also had a recorded message! Rachel and Amberlea were gone until about 1:30 with their dad on a float trip all weekend, which couldn't be scheduled any other time besides my birthday. So it was great to hear their voices still!

I had several phone calls, texts, and well wishes. I got lots of happy birthdays from facebook (thanks everyone). And when my kids got home, they gave me the coolest candle warmer. It plugs in and melts scented wax, and our whole house smells so nice. They picked out grape, blueberry cheesecake and sugar cookie, so we have some great scents to try out. Thanks Abby for helping Rachel do some planning on this. I also got a firetruck, amongst a huge set of tears from Tye because he didn't feel that he had gotten me anything for my birthday. This happened some with Mother's Day, and then today it was just too much for him. I find it to be an interesting position to be in, and I don't really know how to handle it. I don't know what is right, I know that nothing feels right. I finally started giving Rachel money for Mother's Day this year. I was really cracked up when she called me when I was in Boston and asked me if I was going to give her money for my birthday also. At first I was like, what? Then she kind of paused and said...I found something I want to get you for your birthday and I want to know if I can have some money.

I told you my life is crazy.

So back to the firetruck. He insisted on wrapping it for me; Rachel insisted it wasn't necessary. A lot of crying later, I convinced her that it might make him feel better and it wasn't going to hurt anything. He just beamed when I opened it. Not sure what my plan will be for next year, but something is going to have to change because he is old enough to know he didn't buy me anything or make me anything or really do anything for me for my birthday. Last night he told me he was going to cook me breakfast this morning, and I prayed I would wake up before he started cooking, just in case! As it was, he slept in. Today he kept telling me all day today how much he loves me. Several times he would just say...so today is your birthday?

I got a hefty dose of our home lacking another parent today. I'm not sure if I feel bad or what I feel. I have worked really hard not to put pressure on Rachel, not to put her in the position of having to be responsible for things that most other 12 year-olds don't have to worry about. Around 3pm she asked me if she could ride to Dollar General to get frosting. I told her that we needed to go to the store for something for supper, and she could buy some frosting then if she wanted. What is for supper, she asked. I said I was hoping they could come up with something they wanted to make that sounded good, and then the 3 of them could make it together (thinking this would actually involve Tye). Amberlea thought this was a great idea, and Rachel ho-hummed around and couldn't make up her mind, then ended up on the computer...she's been out of touch since Thursday night since she was on the float trip! Amberlea went and asked her again, and finally after 6 sometime, I went to the store on my own and got stuff for homemade pizza. I stopped at the cemetery and got my own tears out because Brian is gone and my mom is gone too, and she would never have let this happen. I recovered and keep reminding myself to be thankful for living to see 36 (Brian didn't get to) and hoping to God I am still alive in 18 years to see 54 (my mom didn't get to). Still, I opened my eyes this morning and have been baffled all day that I am 36...what happened to being in my twenties?

I came home from the store and made myself supper, with a little help from Amberlea and Tye. While the pizza was baking, Rachel came up from her room, a little surprised that I was cooking supper. I said...well, it is 7:36 and I figure we need to eat. She said...well, did you get any frosting? I just sighed and said...well, no I didn't feel like deciding about my own birthday cake.

She decided to take Amberlea with her to Dollar General, and they were back in time for the pizza to be out of the oven. They baked a chocolate cake with chocolate frosting and sprinkles, and we had snicker's ice cream too! It was very yummy! Tye was about to split, he was so excited to help.

My dad stopped by with a really neat clock/hygrometer/thermometer for outside. We hung it on the side of my house, and it looks great. I have always wanted one, but always think I should save my money or spend it on something I need. So it was a nice surprise. Dad ate some pizza and cake too, and we sat on the deck on such a nice evening and visited. While we were out there, the girls surprised me with cleaning up the kitchen from supper, and some other things that were out too. That was a very nice surprise.

So it was a good birthday. I try not to have any expectations, because what I really, really want can never happen. So those of you out there who have spouses who make a big deal out of your birthday...relish in it because you will miss it when it is gone someday. I think next year I am just going to actually plan my birthday myself and have something set for us to do, like go swimming or bowling or out of town. It would be easier on me, and definitely easier on the kids. I am really proud of Rachel for all she does, and the fact is, she isn't Brian and she isn't supposed to be. She's my 12 year-old kid who is very thoughtful and sneaky! (with my money...ha!)

Tye and I went to Bethany last night to meet Phillip and Denise. They took us out to supper for my birthday. We had a great visit, and are making plans for Tye to go stay at Unionville for a few days at the end of the week.

Yesterday we also went to a bowling party for Tori and Don. Their b-days are the 2oth and 22nd, and Luke's is the 28th! Yes, Erin tried 3x to be due around my birthday, and she missed it all 3 times! Ha!

Rachel is going to tennis camp this week. She doesn't know how to play tennis. The coach is a friend of ours, and she tells me others come to camp without knowing, some even come without a racket! She has a racket, at least! She is excited to learn how to really play! Amberlea is one year too young (story of Amberlea's life right now), so I'm not sure what all she is going to do this week. Hopefully I can find something fun to do.

I'm Still Here!

2009-07-16T00:40:00.003-05:00

I have been reprimanded by my 12 year-0ld for not posting on this site. She reminded me that I have updated the melanoma blog lots of times, and it has been a long time since I've written on this one. I asked her if she would like to be a guest blogger, to write about our life, and we'll see if she takes me up on this.

I do have a lot to tell about my three great, amazing, beautiful children, so I'll try to do a better job of updating. Look for lots of new posts in the coming days!

We went to the Great Wolf Lodge in Kansas City. And here is what I think about all of it...

*We could check in at 1pm, and by 1:15 when I was pre-checking in, our room was ready. We didn't have to wait until 4pm. Even if we did, we were still allowed to use the waterpark starting at 1.

*I upgraded to a kids cabin. This had 3 bunks that were like a cabin, and my kids thought it was awesome. I got a great deal doing it this way, so if you ever want the nicer room, go cheap and then upgrade cheap when you get there.

*We slept in and I fed the kids donuts and juice in bed. They thought that was pretty cool too.

*We were allowed to stay until closing on the day we checked out. We only stayed one night, but had from 1pm on Monday until 9pm on Tuesday to play. While the prices can be high, we really got a whole lot of fun time for that one night. I can't imagine staying 2 nights because we were just pooped by the time we left at nearly 9pm last night.

So Tye and Amberlea had shots today (Tye for kindergarten, Amberlea because she never had the chicken pox, and I got her the shot right before starting preschool, but I somehow missed that she would need a booster). She was a real trooper, smiling all the way and trying to pump Tye up for what was coming. He was Mr. Cool until the first prick, and then I felt like a labor coach. He was huffing and puffing and telling the nurse "THAT HURTS!" and I totally got knocked down on the mommy-o-meter for the day. By the end of 4 shots, he was beat red and sweating. He sobbed all the way to the van and then home. Amberlea said she thought she was going to start crying too because he was so upset. I was really feeling bad, and the nurse said, believe me, we've had way worse. Then Amberlea said that her little sister got really upset too, way worse than Tye, and I was thinking, how much worse could it have been? Somehow my nephew's cool attitude earlier in the summer made me think his shots went great. When I mentioned it tonight, Karis said heck no, that he got really upset and it was a bad deal. I still had high hopes that I had him prepped. Even a show we watched the other day had a little penguin getting ready for school and he had to get his shots. He said it hurt and he didn't like it, but it was going to be ok. I guess that all sounds fine until the poking starts, and then it is all over.

Tye really wants a cat. I am not a cat lover. They are cute and all, but I wasn't raised with animals, and it is just not something I am excited about. Tonight's conversation...

(we saw a black cat at the park)
Tye: So can I get a cat? I really want a cat.
Me: No, I just don't think we need a cat.
Tye: Because Zep will chase her?
Me: Yes, and because I don't think we need one.
Tye: But I want a cat and also a mouse so the cat can chase it.
Me: Now I am telling you I for sure don't want a mouse.
(He's been watching a little bit of Tom and Jerry)
Tye: Ok, you're right Mom, cuz if we get a mouse, then Grandma will never come visit us.
(Tye knows his Grandma too well!)

He has now lost his 2nd tooth, and this one actually made it into a glass of water for the tooth fairy. His 1st tooth disappeared before it ever made it. He was very excited last night, and then again this morning to see if she had been here.

I will post pictures about Great Wolf soon. I also have lots to tell you about Rachel and Amberlea, but I'll post that in a day or so, so I have time to write what all is going on.

Update

2009-06-24T22:10:00.007-05:00

Tonight was a home swim meet. The girls look so great this year, as always. Today and the past few days have been unbelieveably hot, so I was excited to have a bit of a breeze for the meet tonight, and it wasn't miserable to be there! I took Tye swimming yesterday, and he is swimming on his own for several feet. Tonight I was wishing he was actually ON swim team because he was wearing me out, chasing him all over. He is at one of those ages...I don't think he thinks he is wandering off from me because he is rarely ever very far. When I grab him, he looks at me like...what, I'm right here! He is so independent (maybe even more than the girls, dare I say), and times like these stress me out. He is so comfortable around everyone at the meet that he is perfectly content to just roam around and visit. He wasn't really in trouble, and he wasn't really not listening...so I should be thankful I guess that he was not acting up. Even so, I look forward to the days that I can actually enjoy Rachel and Amberlea swimming, and maybe even help with a meet.

Days like this make me realize how hard it is to be an only parent. There is no tag-teaming, no sending Tye off to run around with Daddy or go fishing with Daddy or play outside with Daddy...I am so thankful that all of my kids are so much fun to be around, and at least when it is just Tye and me, he is very entertaining and makes for great company. This summer, I have found that the only times I haven't been with him have been when I was split between two kids...Rachel playing volleyball in another town while he had t-ball, stuff like that. It is both rewarding and challenging.

I did enjoy a week in Boston with some friends. We went during the 2nd week of June, and although I missed my kids so much, I needed to get away. Boston was great, and of course I loved all the historical stuff. I got to see the ocean for the first time (other than actually flying over the Gulf of Mexico when we were headed to M.D. Anderson). I hope I can go on a cruise someday, way down the road I'm sure. We got fairly cheap airfare and a friend had hotel points built up and graciously shared with us, which made our hotel bill next to nothing. I thought I better not advertise that some Catholic school teachers stayed in Boston at a cheap hotel, but I think it's ok since it wasn't cheap AND sleazy! It was a Double Tree, so we had nice accommodations. We were beat from walking from one end of Boston to the other, and were very thankful to find a harbor ferry to return us from the Freedom Trail. I didn't climb the 294 steps on Bunker Hill, although a few others did. One night we ate lobster at a great place in Plymouth, right on the water....Isaac's if you're ever in the area.

So now I am trying to figure out where to take the kids. I am open for a long several days, or a few days here and there, or even an overnighter. I am 90 miles north of Kansas City, so if anyone out there has great ideas, send them my way. I am thinking of Great Wolf Lodge, just because we have been there and I know the kids would have fun. I haven't been there since Brian thought we should go before he started his treatment in July 2006. We just went spur of the moment, and Tye was young enough that he doesn't remember. I feel like I wouldn't be stressed there, being an only/single parent with my kids the ages they are, and with Tye being able to have a lifejacket. So if you suggest anything, please remember that because I do like to be self-sufficient, and I want to feel like we are safe and that our vacation is manageable. The girls are already going to the Omaha Zoo with their dad later in the fall. I would love to hear your ideas.

Well, Tye just came in with surgical gloves on because he was needing to put neosporin on a bandaid, so I think I better figure out what he needs.

70 and Clear...or Not!

2009-06-22T22:10:00.002-05:00

My go-to guy is fired. For now anyway. He's been a part of my life since I can't even remember when. In Maryville, many of you remember we didn't have to dial the 582 part of phone numbers, just 8-followed by the last 4 numbers. For so long, no one had a 562 number. The ONLY one I knew was my go-to guy...the time and temp guy. He's been a part of my life nearly every day, and my children could dial his number as soon as they could count.

But he let us down last night. I don't know if he is always right, but I do know that he has been relatively right enough to keep calling for 30+ years.

So Tye had begged me to sleep outside in the tent when we had our family campout. I conned him into waiting until Father's Day, and maybe we could start a tradition. He remembered!...and asked me yesterday, and so started a chain of events.

Starting with Rachel calling the time and temp guy...tonight, 70 and clear. We know what he said because we called him a few times, and Amberlea called him back in the middle of the night just to be sure Rachel had called the right guy.

Why, you might ask? Because somehow, Missouri has stolen the identity of Seattle, or maybe even the Amazon rainforest, in the fact that it rains basically E-V-E-R-Y S-I-N-G-L-E day! So once we finally settled down for a summer night's rest, in heat that was surely above 70, the events went something like this.

It is too hot to sleep.
Let's watch a movie first.
Head outside, it feels a little cooler. It is almost midnight by now.
Wow, the stars are beautiful. Definitely a clear night.
Hot, still very hot.
Fine, Tye, stop whining, I'll get a fan.
Extension cord in place, small table fan attached and rotating in the tent.
Ahh, it's the good life.
Everyone is sleeping, I am still hot.
I can see the sky through the open window screens.
I really miss Brian.
Really.
Really.
Really.
Finally I doze off.
I open my eyes to a few flashes.
That seriously can't be lightning, can it?
70 and clear, 70 and clear.
Close my eyes.
Flash.
Yep, it is definitely lightning.
But I can still see those stars. Maybe it will pass.
Doze off again.
Flash, bang, boom.
Ok, maybe not.
So do I wake them all, or take the chance of being struck by lightning?
Hmmm...
Let's see, my track record for life is not so great.
I have a target painted on my back.
Did I mention that I had to buy a $2000 air conditioner a few weeks ago.
I close my eyes, thinking that I don't remember the time and temp guy being this wrong.
I glance up at the stars. I can't see them because there are clouds coming in quickly.
Wham...it just cuts lose raining.
Snap, I'm on my feet and trying to decide just what to do.
Still 3 sleeping kids.
In a second it started to feel like an all out storm, and my common sense kicked in.
Rachel and Amberlea were up in an instant, Amberlea was scared to death.
Please God, don't let them get struck by lightning running from the tent to the house.
The tent was right beside the house.
Still, that target lurks.
So Rachel went first and kept the door open for Amberlea.
Tye came shortly after.
Then I went, and had to zip the tent closed again.
Whew, we're all in.
Kaboom, the lightning and thunder and rain is wild, the wind is blowing like crazy.
I look at the clock and it is 2:15.
Amberlea looks at Rachel and says...70 and clear, huh?!?!
So Rachel called and checked, and then so did Amberlea.
Amberlea was quite surprised that he hadn't at least said there was a 10% chance of rain or something.
We were all perplexed that our beloved time and temp guy missed this one.
Oh well, he's still on speed dial.

Rachel headed straight to bed and Amberlea and Tye crawled in bed with me. Amberlea talked 90 miles an hour for the next 30 minutes. I wish I would have had a pencil and paper to just jot down the crazy things that run through her head!

Conducting at it's Finest

2009-06-15T15:25:00.003-05:00

Rachel has been practicing her saxaphone in preparation for music camp auditions this afternoon. She was sitting at the island, tooting her horn when Tye came running in, begging to get to play. After finally realizing she wasn't going to give up the sax, he climbed up on a bar stool across from her, clad in only his underwear, and used a bendy straw to direct Rachel. We were cracking up! Rachel was having a hard time keeping her mouth from smiling while still trying to play.

Then...he pointed the straw at her and said STOP! She stopped playing and he said...stick out your tongue! She stuck out her tongue, which was bright blue from something she had eaten. He said...your tongue is blue! Then he started conducting again!

Then tonight he told one of the preschool teachers (we saw her at the swim meet) that he lost a tooth, and the tooth fairy brought him a dinosaur. She asked if she could come see it. He said...hmm, I have to tell you, it's real! Jeez!

Great Start to the Summer

2009-06-01T22:19:00.002-05:00

Sorry I haven't posted for so long...

The summer is off to a great start. I hosted the 4th Eickholt Campout this weekend at my house, and it made me all the more happy that I bought this house! The layout was perfect, the yard and deck are perfect...the weather and the food were both awesome. It was such a fun time...33 was the headcount, with 16 of them between the age of 9 months and 13 years...whew! Thank God for my mother-in-law for helping me overhaul this mess of disorganization I've called home for a year. Things were so out of order from Brian's illness and death, and from moving and grieving...and it feels good to have things in place. I still have lots to do, but I got such a boost to get ready for the weekend that I should be well on my way to getting some projects done this year.

I still need to finish things at school this week...sigh.

Anyway, I'll post more later on our summer adventures and the chaos of my life with three great kids!

New Kind of Tanning Bed Ok'ed by Me

2009-05-20T21:49:00.004-05:00

So I have officially approved a new so-called tanning bed, if you really have that desire to glow. People are out there itching to get that beautiful tan, while Brian is still dead and buried.
But Tye found the perfect solution. It is so perfect that I should charge you for this information.

He has the glow, that beautiful tan. He got it at school today. He got it even with sunscreen on. No burn, no blisters. Just plain beauty. From a distance, he had taken on that bronze coloring...

Well, until you got up close to him. At that point, it started to look more like that fake tanning lotion, you know the kind that turns you a slight shade of orange? It was like a spray on tan. And it was pretty darn even, until you looked at the knees, in which case one might discern that this tan came only from the dust, the golden dust of playground rocks. He said he got like that because he buried his legs in the rocks.

But he seriously looked like he had been on vacation in the Caribbean for a month. He even had a sock line!

I would take a picture and show you, but he just washed that dirty, grimy beautiful glow right down the drain with some good old soap and water.

I've got to tell you, I think he had a lot more fun getting his tan this way!

Sweet Grammie

2009-05-19T23:19:00.003-05:00

Over the past several years, I have had to stop myself to even grieve for the loss of my own mother, so young...losing her was awful in itself, so sudden...yet compounded by how much love and support she had given me through my divorce, and then again during Brian's illness. Her death came out of nowhere, and I was land blasted, to say the least. I threw myself into trying to care for Brian, and any glimpse at grief for my mom was even worse because I so desperately needed to be held up. I remember crying my eyes out one day, and I couldn't remember if I was crying because my mom was dead or because Brian was dying. The two started to become interchanged some. My counselor finally told me I had to deal with them both together because they both happened together. Even so, I still am not completely sure I have followed a healthy grieving process for either of them.

Something happened tonight that made my heart flutter. It was odd. It was special. I was tucking Rachel in, and she said...have you ever noticed the smell of that closet. I was like, what? I walked toward her closet and she said...no, the other one. Before I could turn to get to her other closet (yes, she has 2 closets because her room used to be 2 small rooms)...she said...no, that other closet. She jumped out of bed and led me into the family room, then leaned into the small closet, which is where I keep blankets (it is just a small closet under the steps). She dug around and kept leaning in smelling. She said...do you smell that? I am sniffing around and thinking, um, no.

She back out of the closet and said...I can't smell it now either, but something in there smells like Grammie...I don't know what it is, but I can smell it.

My heart skipped a beat. I think mostly I was so happy that if something indeed does smell like my mom in there, she actually noticed and remembered. It is amazing, how our senses are connected to our memory. She went on to her room and I tucked her in. I've been in the closet 3 times now, digging around to see what is in there and basically just sniffing around! I don't smell anything. I kept thinking maybe something that reminded her of her house, or her perfume. So far, I can't find it.

I hope I do. But for now, I am just so happy that Rachel did.

Sweet Music to My Ears!

2009-05-17T22:54:00.005-05:00

Well, I have decided as of today that there is just no sweeter sound than hearing the giggles and screams of laughter from my 3 great kids as I pushed them as hard as I could on a merry-go-round. That felt like pure joy to me!

And Amberlea added to the fun when she let out one heck of a fart in the midst of her laughter (she would die if she knew I put that on here, but since none of her friends read this, I'll go ahead)! That got Rachel and Tye pretty riled up too!

I had a great day today. Todd, Jamie and Trace came to visit, and Grandma and Grandpa tagged along. It makes me feel close to Brian to have them around. That is the 2nd time this week that Phillip and Denise surprised me because they showed up for Tye's ballgame on Tuesday night (it was rained out) by just ringing my doorbell. So it was great to get to see them twice in just a matter of days. I put Todd and Phillip to work today, and I always appreciate what they do to help me around the house. Denise is coming back for the weekend to help me get things ready for the big Eickholt Campout on the last weekend of May. I can sure put her to work, but I'm also looking forward to someone giving Tye lots of attention while I get some things done that are in desperate need of my attention.

And you just about can't beat the weather today. Now, if it would just stay like this for a while!

Hope you have a great week. I know I will, with only 4 1/2 days of school left. Yippee!

Take Me Out to the Ballgame

2009-05-15T22:09:00.008-05:00

I must admit, I had a hard time feeling sad last night for Tye's first t-ball game because I was so darned excited. Maybe it's because my girls don't play softball; maybe it is just the Momma in me, enjoying the boy in Tye; maybe it was just because I knew Brian would be so proud. I missed him terribly, but I felt good to be in the bleachers, cheering Tye on. I know I don't have to be sad all the time, just so many things do make me sad. But last night was nice.

You'll get a kick out of this...his team is sponsored by an animal control company!

Little Shortstop! When the ball came to him, he ran and dove on the ground to stop it, then jumped up with it and threw it to 1st base! I was shocked. I mean, we've been practicing, and he's had team practice with Uncle TJ (his coach...yes, he is crazy and coaching Tye and Tori both!) But still, when he scurried after the ball and dove for it, I was jumping for joy!

If anyone batting would miss the ball or hit the tee, Tye would just shake his head. He nailed it both times he was up to bat.

Here he is, running from 1st to 2nd!

And then running in to touch home plate...
This is his only time touching home plate because on his second time around the bases, he was waiting on 3rd, and when the batter hit the ball, he took off running and went into the dugout. It was the last batter of the game, so I went over and said...hey, you forgot to go home! He looked surprised and then said...oops! The crowd got a good laugh, and I am happy to say that Tye was not the only one who did that!

Tye will easily be the one who gets penalties for excessive celebration. After he stopped the ball at shortstop, he danced a little jig.

We had spent the earlier part of the afternoon cleaning in the garage (not done, but some serious headway!). We kept super busy last night, and headed over to school to plant a tree right after Tye's game. Our good friends, the Holtmans, had purchased a tree to plant near the preschool playground in hopes of it providing shade for years to come. Thanks Holtmans, for taking such good care of us, and for helping us celebrate Brian's life.

Sonic or KFC, or Both?

2009-05-13T21:40:00.003-05:00

I took the day off for my last personal day, as I don't get to convert mine to sick days and will lose it if I don't take it. The year really flew by and I can't believe I was actually having trouble finding a time to take off! My cousins and aunt were in town today to order the headstone for my uncle, so it made a good day for me to be off so I could spend some time with them. I finished some painting and lots of other house things, then enjoyed visiting for a long lunch.

On a whim, I decided to call out and see if the aquatic center at the university is open this month. They are open just during the week, and I asked the girls when I picked them up if they wanted to go. We had to run to the store to get a swim suit, and I hate to say, but it was a far stretch for a 12 year-old's swim suit...string bikini, um, no...one piece that is cut in on the sides almost to the belly button, um, nope. Finally found a basic black and white tank and bottoms that looks nice on her...definitely not worth the $24, but hey, she seriously needed something. So off we went...I am so hoping Tye might be able to be on swim team, and we had a great time playing and practicing. The next thing I knew, it was nearly 6:30. Rachel was supposed to go to youth group, but she has had a ton of homework during the last few weeks, especially tonight (darn sub, just kidding Susie!)...so we just decided spending time as a family was a lot of fun and she needed to do her homework.

On the way out to the van, Amberlea reminded me that she needed a sack lunch for her field trip to K.C. tomorrow. So I drove through Sonic and got supper because the kids were famished, then ran to Hy-Vee to get just a few quick items to complete her lunch. Rachel and Tye stayed in the van eating. We came back out and Amberlea got in to get her supper, and it was gone! She said...did you eat my food?! Tye just looked all innocent and said...I was hungry!

And all I could do was laugh.

The funny part is that Amberlea always BEGS to go to KFC. Tonight of all nights, she willingly had agreed on Sonic. I'm still laughing. I looked in the rearview mirror, and Tye was looking at me like...WHAT!? And Amberlea was looking at me like...I CAN'T BELIEVE HE DID THAT! So I giggled and said...how about KFC?

Ooo, yum, ok. So we drove through and got Amberlea some food, and she let Tye know when it came that she was going to eat all of it.

Overdue

2009-05-09T18:54:00.003-05:00

I am way overdue for an updated post on here. I have been so busy that I can barely see straight. May is just so unbelievably crazy! School is just flying by, and while that is good to a point, I am struggling to get everything done!

We took the 5th and 6th graders on a field trip yesterday to Kansas City. We had a super day! We spent the morning volunteering at Operation Breakthrough, an inner city daycare. Wow! Then we went to Mass at the Cathedral and took a tour. I wish I could be there when the light comes through the rose window and reflects on the altar! We headed back to mini-golf in St. Joe. The weather was beautiful and the kids were well-behaved as usual, which made for a fun afternoon. We finished up with ice cream at Culver's, and we were headed back to the ville after a great time with friends. Rachel was of course on this field trip, and it was fun to spend the day with her.

Amberlea is quite disappointed that I can't go on her field trip next week. I have to stay in town because it is also preschool day in the lunchroom, and considering I am Tye's only parent, this is just not something I can miss.

Slap! Just another reminder.

The Mother's Day things are starting to get to me. I just can't believe my own mom has been dead for three years now! I read a post recently that said something like this...you realize you are no longer a child when you lose your own mother. So true! I admit that I have odd moments once in a while when I just want my mommy. You know, that funny butterfly feeling you got at school once in a while, or at a sleepover? It still happens to me once in a while, even at 35 years old. So all the commercials and advertisements on Mother's Day can be difficult.

Mother's Day seems to get to me in another sense too. Brian should be taking care of Mother's Day. He always took the kids and shopped, and he made decisions on what we would have for lunch. He coordinated the day, and it always felt good to be pampered. Now that responsibility rests on the shoulders of a 12 year-old.

Slap! Again, not fair to Rachel. I have to admit though, if she can get her ducks in a row about it all, she just beams with excitement!

She finally just asked me this week if I could loan her some money because she had lots of really good ideas. I choked back the tears and mostly just felt angry that she can't just do what normal kids do with Mother's Day. She is so amazing at trying to do things to make me feel special. So I just smiled and told Rachel I didn't expect her to get me anything. She said, but I want to. I took a deep breath and repeated to her what I read about a single father once...he had 2 young children, and he was blogging about how funny it was to give them money to buy him a present. He said he had just resigned himself that there was nothing else he could do about it. And I said, then just buy what you want and I'll pay you for it because you shouldn't have to borrow money to buy me something for Mother's Day. She lit up! How much can I spend? I responded...how much were you going to spend? (I could see the wheels turning). So we came to an agreement on what is reasonable.

Then came the issue of how she would get to the store. She told me she would put Amberlea on the back of her bike, and the two of them got a laugh. Abby has been very kind to do a lot of running for Rachel. I appreciate that she chooses to just do what is best for Rachel and Amberlea, and she is willing to help them with these types of things. Even so, I don't think she should have to be figuring out what her husband's ex-wife is getting for Mother's Day.

Rachel asked me what she should do about it. I told her if Abby was willing to do it, that was fine. Then I told her she was old enough and there were probably lots of others out there who would run her places if she just asked them. I told her she just needs to tell them what she needs. I think the responsibility falls on Abby sometimes because she is also watching out for them, knowing how devastated they would be if they didn't do anything for Mother's Day or my birthday or other times. So Rachel made a phone call today and Erin hauled the kids around for a while this morning while I played with Luke.

Slap! It didn't take away the pain of knowing there is no one to make sure this gets taken care of. I don't even know what got settled with the money side of it, which I don't really even care about.

The girls and Tye and I spent the afternoon at the Food Pantry, sorting food from the postal workers food drive today. It is always good work to spend time there.

Tye has his first tee ball game on Tuesday, which will be attended by Uncle Jacob, considering I have to be at a concert halfway through the game.

Slap, yet again! I need to stop feeling sorry for myself. But dang, I guess I'll never get the "you go one way, I'll go the other" parenting...and I just can't seem to spread myself around enough.

Fritos and Tea from Mai Tye

2009-04-27T21:27:00.006-05:00

My little boy is most definitely, without any doubt (as if there was any), unmistakeably and unequivocally Brian Halley's son. He can turn on the charm at a moments notice. He seems to be quite the ladies man lately, comforting the ladies in preschool and doing little sweet nothings for his Mama.

I've had a rough day today. I would say I don't know why, but I do. It is the same old excuse, and I know in my heart that it will never go away. The events of the past 10 days have seemingly caught up with me. I feel emotionally exhausted. I am way beyond ready for school to get over with for the year, mostly just for my own sanity. I've had my game face on for so long, and this year has been good. I'm just ready for a break. The busyness of the last month can make a teacher crazy, yet it helps the year move right along. At least I will most definitely feel productive!

So I felt stressed today, and often times stress sets off a bought of the weepies...or as Grandma Eickholt would say, a case of the whim whams. Sure enough, today was one of those days. Days like this are interesting lately, as my emotions wane from high to low. My afternoon was good, getting ready for our school pancake breakfast this Sunday...yet when I got in the van, I felt like crying. This almost makes me feel even more crazy, the inconsistency. At least I didn't feel crumby for the entire day.

Tye could see me crying. What is wrong with you? Are you sick? No, I replied, I just feel like crying.

Sigh...I'll take care of you Mom! Do you have a headache?

Yeah, I do (which was a lot of it).

Then the feeling seemed to pass, and the evening was going ok. Pretty soon, Tye showed up with a tray in hand. He had filled a fancy teacup with water and told me it was tea. Then he had a paper plate filled with chili cheese fritos. And he was just as proud as a peacock! He said, I hope this makes you feel better!

Now tonight, while I was on the phone with my dad, Tye wrote on Zep with a watercolor marker. He's got his own Tye tattoo. I would take a picture, but I don't want you all to judge me for animal abuse. No animals were hurt during this phone call, and Zep is as happy as a clam that he is inside playing with Tye. They have been working on "tricks" and things all evening, and then the blue apparently was yet another creative expression of the great Tye.

Speaking of which...tonight at Hy-Vee, there was a sign above the bakery that said "Mai Tye". He caught his name on the sign and just thought that was totally hilarious. He asked me what it said, and I replied...Mai Tye.

He laughed and said...what!? It says Jenni's Tye?

Now that is a laugh out loud moment.

Real Downer

2009-04-18T10:39:00.004-05:00

I seriously sometimes just want to go home and crawl in bed.

I took Tye to a swim clinic this morning. This is the first year they have done one, in anticipation for the swim team season. I was excited because I have always thought they needed to "get the bugs out" before the season starts. Amberlea's first year was crazy. She swam only a few feet on the first day of practice, but 4 days later at an intrasqad meet, she swam across without any help! So I was hopeful for Tye.

He is the same age as Rachel and Amberlea were when they started swim team, considering all my kids are born in February. The girls both swam during the summer before kindergarten.

So it is time for Tye.

And I knew. And I get so tired of it, having the "my dad is dead and my mom is so swamped that she didn't take me swimming very much over the past few summers so I can't swim yet" excuse. They didn't have to tell me, I could see that he is not ready. I am ticked. Not at Tye or at the coaches, by any means. They were great with him, and he was a great listener today, did his best and was full of enthusiasm.

I'm having a pity party right now. I am pissed that Tye's little boy years were stolen from me. Others helped take care of him, thank God, but I was busy taking care of Brian. Very rarely do I have regrets, but today I do. Clearly Tye's lack of exposure to the water has made all the difference. Rachel and Amberlea were both little fishies, but I had them in the water early and often. Tye on the other hand...not so much. I get so freaking tired of things always being because of Brian's illness, because he was suffering, we all suffered. And continue to suffer.

I HATE MELANOMA!

I know he will be fine. I will get him to the pool a lot this summer, and he'll do swim lessons again. I am going to attempt to get him in the water several times over the next 6 weeks to see if there is any progress, but I'm not holding my breath. I know it is actually pretty early to be putting him on swim team, considering he just turned 5. But I can't excuse that when the girls were the exact same age.

Just another thing I missed. It is a letdown, to think I have half killed myself over the last few years trying to keep up, and in this case, it didn't matter. I am selfish too, as I really wanted him on swim team this year because I knew how much he would love it, I knew how much he would improve, and I didn't want to deal with him wanting to be in the water so bad at swim meets and not be able to.

Well, there's my venting. I would say I feel better, but I don't. I just feel like I let him down. This will maybe be Rachel's last summer, and at least they could have all been on together.

Not Getting Any Easier

2009-04-14T22:28:00.003-05:00

I keep thinking it will get easier. So far it hasn't. I think it will. I'm actually sure it will.

Today was another "no Daddy" event. I am sure there are plenty of Dads out there who skip conferences because they are too busy, or seriously because they are really too busy and their schedules don't work. Tye's Daddy would never have missed. He looked forward to helping Tye and watching him grow.

But he missed today's conference, just like he missed the one last spring and last fall. And like the ones he will miss next year, and the next and the next.

Sigh.

And like the kindergarten night he missed. And Tye's first tee ball practice. I'm not ignoring the fact that I believe Brian is always with us.

I made it through conferences. I am very pleased with Tye's progress this year, especially considering what he has been through. We are blessed to have such great teachers and such a wonderful school to nurture and love Tye (and the girls too), and to help him adjust and deal with the heartbreaks of what life has become for us.

Maybe it IS actually getting easier. I didn't feel like crying before going into the conference. I didn't feel like I couldn't breathe during the conference. I didn't feel competely like I would throw up afterwards. But when I walked down the hill to pick Tye up from after school, he glanced up at me with that Brian Halley smile, and that was it. It took me a little to get it together before pulling out of the parking lot.

I guess I should rethink my title because there was a time that I would not have been able to sit through a conference. It amazes me how the little things hurt. Like getting a packet from school adressed to Jenni Halley, no Brian. My checks still have both of our names on them, simply because I am cheap and don't want to waste perfectly good checks. But I am going to be making some changes with my banking needs, and will be reorganizing checking accts., and it will soon be time for new checks.

Checks with just my name on them.

Single parenthood stinks. I don't know what is worse, being a single parent because the other parent chose to leave, or because the other parent was taken. I've basically had both, and they are both difficult to deal with. I remember being so sad after my divorce, more because it was the death of a dream. I always say, I never played divorced Barbie, or single Mom Barbie, so I didn't know what that might feel like. The same thing goes with Cancer Ken and Widow Barbie. My mind had never rehearsed what life would be like in those scenarios. I like to consider myself pretty resilient, just in the fact that I still get out of bed every day.

But losing Brian was different. He WANTED the life we had. He begged God to keep him here. He cried many tears for the memories he knew we would not have together. And that is a life I want back too. Which means widowhood just compounds the problem of single parenting all the more. After my divorce, I didn't look back. I promised myself I would have no regrets because I knew I had loved Tim, and I was so very thankful for Rachel and Amberlea. And I just chose to move forward with whatever knowledge I gained, and the gift of two great, amazing, beautiful daughters. Everyday I long for Brian, for my life back, for a glimpse of the happiness I felt with him. I cry sometimes because I know he wanted to stay. So when I see Tye, I am just overwhelmingly devastated that his future with Brian was stolen from us. I don't pity Tye. I don't know what the feeling is. Mostly that life is unfair, and this small child got a dose of those way too early in life.

I told his teacher today I am mostly relieved that he is such a happy child. He is ornery and loving and smart and funny and whitty. Sounds like another Halley boy I love...

Happy Easter 2009

2009-04-12T21:51:00.003-05:00

I wanted to wish you a Happy Easter 2009! I also wanted to update the blog with a picture of the blog-titled "3gr8kidz"...a.k.a. Rachel, Amberlea and Tye. Here is a snap of them after Mass this morning. That ornery smile on Tye's face is basically before the sugar high! (oh, and after he had just jumped on Amberlea).

I handled the morning ok. The girls were with their dad, so when we woke, it was just Tye and me. I reminded him that the Easter Bunny probably came. He jumped out of bed and snuck into the living room (as if EB was still there!). Then he said...WHOA! Holy moly.

Then a pause.

Then...Holy moly moly.

I guess it ranks pretty high to get two molies! Ha!

Then when we were getting ready for church, he seemed to be shocked at how well I clean up! He stopped in his tracks and said...wow, Mom. You look, um, fansome.

Fansome?

Yeah, fansome?

I said...well thank you. Usually you tell a guy he looks handsome or a girl she looks fancy or beautiful or something.

You look fancy Mom! And then he hugged me tight.

I said...your dad always told me he thought I looked nice. He was a good husband.

Tye said...did he tell you that you look beautiful?

Yeah, he did, and I miss that.

Then he said...he was a good daddy too.

Sigh...had to redo some eye makeup over that one, but otherwise we made it to church on time!

We had a busy day, then had an egg hunt at Dad's, followed by dinner. Then I took the girls and Tori to Hannah Montana and TJ and Dad took Tye, Zeke and Don to Monsters vs. Aliens. It was a lot of fun! We're looking forward to a nice day off tomorrow. Tye starts tee ball practice tomorrow, and he is very excited (to say the least). I have to get my taxes done in the morning, which I am not very excited about (to say the least).

Please pray for so many who need our prayers...my brother-in-law (Adam)'s grandma Lucille had a stroke this morning and is paralyzed on the left side. I am sure today was a nerve racking day for him, and I appreciate your prayers for Grandma Cille.

Hope your home is filled with Easter blessings.

Incriminating Evidence, Charges Pending

2009-04-05T20:43:00.014-05:00

I had a busy weekend. I cooked on both Saturday and Sunday. I love to cook actually, but just haven't for so long that it has taken me a lot to get back into it. I have a hard time cooking for a smaller crowd now, and often times, no energy to do so. My sisters and I have talked off and on about doing a cooking cooperative, and make like 6 lasagnas (one for each of us for now, and one for each of us for the freezer). So I had time this weekend and planned it all out. I was crazy and chose too many recipes, but it was still a success. We found it to be pretty darn cheap too. I just made a list of things I was making and took orders from Karis, Erin and my dad, and went from there. Here's what we made...

one 9x13, four 8x8 of Tator Tot Casserole

nine batches of Sloppy Joes

8 loaves of Meatloaf

two 9x13, five 8x8 of Chicken Enchiladas

one 9x13, six 8x8 of Cheesy Mostaccioli

one 9x13, six 8x8 of Sicilian Pasta

one 9x13, six 8x8 of Beef Enchilada Casserole.

I still have the ingredients to make bulk Cheesy Potatoes and Parmesan Broccoli Balls, but I ran out of steam...and also shredded cheese. So that will happen this week. I have quite a stock in the freezer for the coming months, and Erin and Karis both stocked up too. My dad should be set and not have to cook again for quite a while!

Thoughts...next time I'm choosing no more than 4 recipes. And I also found it to be a lot more fun to have my sisters and Adam there to cook, and a lot more efficient. Having the meat cooked ahead of time really helped too!

So what evidence, you are wondering? Well, all in all, Tye got along great while we were cooking. He and Zeke played, and then Tori and Don were here for a while too. Just as they were leaving, Tye came in and said...look at the picture I made you! He was holding a marker from the marker board in the downstairs bedroom. He excitedly led me in to this...

YES ,THIS IS ON A WALL AND NOT A MARKER BOARD!

AND YES, THAT IS MY NAME WITH A SMILEY FACE BESIDE IT!

A magic eraser helped him clean up the crime scene, and other than a little bit of marker on a closet door that didn't come completely off, all is well.

Until...

We were eating supper tonight. I was chatting with him and thought, hmm, his hair looks different. Then I flipped up the front and said...did you cut your hair?

Yep.

What!? When?

In the computer room (he was on the computer for a few minutes this afternoon before everyone showed up to cook). There are 2 chunks missing, not real noticeable, as in you probably wouldn't hardly be able to tell if I took a picture and put it on here...but nonetheless, I could tell.

Sigh...

2009-04-04T23:32:00.003-05:00

Today Tye and Amberlea had their first soccer games. I was freezing my buns off at Amberlea's, so Tye and I sat in the van and watched. She had a great game. Then Tye's game was all but normal. By noon it was starting to rain, or maybe not, or maybe...it was windy and freezing, but I toughed it out in a chair, covered with a blanket.

The boys were running back to the sidelines to see the coach. They were all really excited, and Tye is just Mr. Enthusiasm. He said...Bingo! Then he tapped his coach and said...hey coach, do you know what bingo means? The coach said...no, what? Tye replied...it means we rock!

Then later in the game they were in a huddle waiting for the game to start again. He looked over at me and gave me a thumbs up. I responded with a thumbs up too. Then he told his coach...hey coach, can you wait just a minute? And he came running off the field towards me, grabbed my head and planted a big smooch right on my cheek.

Ahhh...

The game got a little crazy. The field where Tye was playing is in the midst of other fields. The west end goal is basically at the top of a hill, so if the ball misses the goal, it rolls all the way down the hill to the lower fields. Usually in all the other games I've seen at that field, someone just runs after it and comes right back up. Not today. Someone from the other team dove after it and rolled down the hill, and then a few other boys joined him. By the end of the game, if the ball rolled down the hill, every kid from both teams took a dive off the hill and rolled down. At one point there was only one kid left standing on the field, along with three coaches who were just looking around like, what is happening?! The other 15 kids had taken a joy ride down the hill. Tye was so much like Brian...he waited to join until the majority had joined! Ha! The first few times, Tye was looking down the hill like, you guys are totally going to be in trouble. Then once he looked at me like, are they supposed to be doing that?

I love to watch little boy soccer! They are a hoot.

Miss Megan from afterschool came to babysit tonight at Erin and TJ's, and the three of us went to Air Rock. That brought back some great memories of a time in my life when things were much simpler! It was fun to have some time out with adults!

I've been doing some cooking this weekend, trying to get some things in the freezer. I have totally destroyed my kitchen, and I don't feel like taking care of it right now, so that is what I will have to wake up to. Hopefully, I'll have time to do some reading on Eclipse (3rd Twilight book). Right now I'm just going to sign off and hopefully get some zzz's!

What is Buried in Your Front Yard?

2009-03-31T21:45:00.003-05:00

The week after Brian died, I was out at the cemetery, and the mound of dirt just ticked me off. I went to the store and bought one of those cheap pinwheels, and decided then to always keep a pinwheel out at Brian's grave. I don't know what it was, mostly the movement and the colors, the feeling of knowing it kept blowing in the wind. As the months continued, we added and switched pinwheels several times. Some were just too worn from the weather; other times we found a fun pattern like a Spiderman pinwheel, and bought one for our house and one for Daddy's garden. These are usually about $1 so I just pick up any that I think look nice and swap them out. Tye often messes with the pinwheels when we are at the cemetery. I tried to move one the other day so it was closer to the monument, but he wanted it stuck straight in the middle of the rectangle of bare ground. I reminded him that the lawnmower would eventually run over it, but he didn't care. So I moved it when I was there later with Amberlea.

Put your lighthearted hat on or you won't fully appreciate the rest of the story...

I came home the other day and there is a pinwheel stuck in our yard. We keep one at our house a lot, so I didn't think much about it. But this one was stuck about an inch from the edge of the driveway. I just figured one of the kids moved it there from out of the flower bed.

He and I came home from school and I was sitting in a lawnchair reading a book. Tye drug out all of the toys from the garage. He had the wagons and scooters and tractor and a bike and a few trikes lined up. He was riding around in circles. He rode up to the pinwheel and jumped off and just squatted down and looked. I watched him examining the pinwheel.

Tye: Hey Mom, who's in here? (as he pointed at the yard)

Me: What?

Tye: You know, Mom, in here, who's garden is this?

Me: (I was a bit caught off guard and before I could answer...)

Tye: So is someone else's dad buried here?

Me: Oh, no...no one is buried here. They don't bury people in yards, they have to be buried in places like Daddy at a special garden called a cemetery.

Tye: Why is that wind thing here then?

Me: We just have it to remind us of Daddy.

Tye: Hmmm. Ok. (and he was off and running again)

I sure hope no one is buried in my front yard.

My Weekend

2009-03-29T22:51:00.003-05:00

I had a busy weekend. We had a professional development day on Friday, and I accomplished a lot. Friday afternoon, I headed south to Overland Park for a Mary Kay Career Conference. For those of you who don't know, I am an Independent Beauty Consultant with Mary Kay. My sister is a director. I've been with Mary Kay since October 2001, but have dawdled around and spent the majority of time just enjoying playing in the makeup, having a very small customer base, and mostly selling enough to pay for my own products. I am looking to branch out a little, build a larger customer base, and build some consistency. I hope to be able to make some extra money to build up some savings for the kids and me, share some with certain charities and our church, and hopefully have some fun money to take the kids on some trips. I just have to figure out how to make it all work. One of the biggest draws for me is the social side. I always feel good when I am involved in anything with Mary Kay, and I love getting to know so many other women.

And I am actually stepping forward with a promise I made to Brian. He always told me I didn't have the confidence to do some things he knew I could do. In several of our many talks near the end of our life, he would tell me what he wanted for my future. Those were very difficult talks, to be discussing a life without him. But he told me he would always be there with me, and he would keep cheering me on. He said he wanted me to do all I could to do the things I wanted to do, and not to let anything stand in my way. Right now I don't know what I want really. I love my teaching career. I have no intention of stepping away from that anytime soon. I actually right now want both. So I've opted to do some exploring to see how it might work for me, as it has for so many others. Interestingly, there are a lot of Mary Kay consultants that are also teachers (either because they were burnt out or because they were broke!).

So my Friday and Saturday were full of a lot of motivation. While a lot of the conference did center around Mary Kay and this amazing company, and all the details that go along with making a business work, there was so much more...a lot of motivation to change my life...a lot of motivation to be happy in anything I decide to do...a lot of motivation to simply get my life organized and be efficient and productive. I felt a profound sense of closeness to Brian. I had a few times I had to just stop thinking about him, to stop thinking about creating a life for me and the kids that did not include him....and then I realized that the last year has not included him. I am doing a lot of going in circles. I want to move forward, move on. I don't ever want to move past. I just want to move in a forward motion, in a motion that feels alive. I have hopes and dreams for a future. That future has been shattered. I sat and thought, regardless if it is shattered, it is still my future. This was not an epiphany by any means. This isn't the first or 10th or 100th time I've thought that I needed to do something to better our future, my future. I can't tell you the number of times I've felt the urge to do something that spits in melanoma's face...something to show that melanoma is not going to continue to hurt us, to hurt me.

Time will only tell what manifests from these feelings. I have already decided to make a list of things I need to accomplish each day and go from there. Mary Kay, as they say, is so much more than lipstick. And I felt a great sense of encouragement, mostly just to be the best that I can be, to be proud of the work I do. I hope I can do my part to turn my life around, to know that Brian would be proud of how strong I am.

I ended up in Lee's Summit for part of the weekend, following my uncle being readmitted to the hospital. I spent a lot of time with my cousin, and I am trying to do all I can to support her in this cancer journey. My uncle's cancer has progressed some, but they already have a plan in place to keep up the battle. It was great to see them all.

By the time I got back to town, it was almost 5pm tonight. That makes it difficult to start back a week when you were gone all weekend! Denise was here with the kids, and they had a great time. My house looks great, which makes me that much more motivated to do something good this week. Hopefully I can tackle the garage now that the rest of the house is looking so great! Rachel has been an amazing help around the house, and I am blessed to have 3 gr8 kidz! (and a gr8 mothr n law)!

I found a nail in my tire tonight, and it was causing a rapid air leak. I'm thinking I'm even more blessed to have made it hope safely before that became an issue.

I have my white van for sale, if you know of anyone who is looking.

Enjoy your week.

Questions and Comments

2009-03-26T00:03:00.002-05:00

These are all Tye conversations from today...

T: Hey Momma Mia!

Me: Uh, yeah.

T: Me and my friend Colby like to say Momma Mia! Isn't that funny?

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

T: Can we go golfing?

Me: Uh, yeah, I guess.

T: I don't think we have any golf balls.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Tye ran up to me from the playground today with a worm.

T: I love worms!

Me: (I was playing it up.) Oooh, I hate worms.

T: What! This is my worm. I named him Wormy.

Me: I just don't know.

T: But Mom, I love worms!

Me: Oooh, gross!

T: But Mom, I love gross!

We walked for a minute up to school, as I still had work to do in my room.

T: You know what?

Me: What?

T: I don't think my worm has a head.

Even funnier, he eventually lost the worm somewhere in the building. We'll see if it is found tomorrow in the kindergarten room where he was roaming around.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Later tonight...

T: Mom, I'm going to have some bad news. You know what my bad news is going to be?

Me: What?

T: I'm pretty sure my worm is dead. I don't know, but I do know I losed him.

My Crazy Life

2009-03-23T22:14:00.002-05:00

My life is crazy. I mean really crazy. Here are a few other things I have dealt with in the past few days.

My dad has his garden all tilled up and ready for planting. Tye and Don were out playing in the yard with the rest of the kids, while Erin and I were on the deck. Don ran into the garden. So Erin hollered...get out of Papa's garden. Don ran out, and immediately Tye ran INTO the garden and stopped and looked at her, kind of in that challenging way. So she said...you get out of the garden too! His response...he pointed down and yelled...my dad's in here! She said...no he's not! He pointed at a little garden sign and said...see? (The sign said BELIEVE, not BRIAN). Erin said...that says believe, now get out of the garden. He responded in a surprised voice and said...oh...and dashed out of the garden. Then he was off to play again.

Then tonight we ran to the store after a meeting at school. Amberlea was telling me that she had been to the cemetery today (a close friend of hers lives close to the cemetery, and they walked over to be sure none of the items blew away, with it being so windy). Her bunny had blown over and she had fixed it. So when a gust of wind about blew us away as we were going into the store, she asked if we could go out to the cemetery to get the bunny tonight. It is pitch dark and lightning like crazy. I said no a few times, and she kept saying she was worried it would blow away. I'm not afraid to go to the cemetery at night, I just never have. So out we drove, and I flashed my lights onto Brian's grave. I started to get out and she threw the door open and said...I'll get it. She ran across the cemetery (even with the night being like that in a spooky ghost story) and got the bunny, then even went back for the little shovel that had fallen out of his hand. I am thankful she wasn't scared either. She was just real matter-of-fact about it all. I sat and watched her for the 30 seconds she was out of the van. I just shook my head because she has come so far. Who would have ever guessed we would visit Brian's grave during a thunderstorm to retrieve a bunny? But it was important to her, so we did.

Life is just that...life. And it unfolds in the most unusual ways.

Welcome!

2009-03-22T15:03:00.002-05:00

Welcome to my new blog. I have thought long and hard on how and if I wanted to continue my other blog. I can't seem to find a way to stop fighting melanoma, as it continues to cheat, steal and rob people of time with their precious loved ones. So after much thought and consideration, I have decided to maintain that blog because it has played such a vital role in my healing process.

But...I have a lot of other things to talk about too. I struggle often with having really amazing and fun things to tell about the kids, while something somber is going on in the melanoma/cancer world. So the idea came to me to split the blogs. My intent is to post different information, so for the most part, what is found on one blog won't show up on the other blog. I can't guarantee that, depending on what I'm blogging about, but that is the initial thought.

This blog itself is under construction. I have lots I want to add.

For today I will just add some Tye funnies!...

We went to ride bikes at the high school today with Erin and her kids. After a long walk and ride and lots of exploring, we decided it was time for lunch. So Erin went and grabbed some food while I took the kids on to Judah park. Karis saw Erin at Sonic and ended up driving over to the park also.

Tori, Zeke and Tye ventured down the edge of the creek. The creek on the south end of the park had about 2-3 inches of water trickling through it. The kids were mostly throwing rocks in the creek and just exploring. They wandered on down to the north end of the creek near the walking bridge. We could see them at a distance. I was just getting ready to wander down there myself to see what they were up to when Tori came running.

Something bad happened to Tye!

From where I was standing, I could see Tye sitting on the bench on the bridge talking to Zeke. In my mind I was thinking, how bad can it be, his dad is dead...it would have to be pretty bad to be considered bad in my mind.

As we walked down the trail to get to Tye, Tori told me he fell in the creek. I just giggled. While I totally love having the girls and doing lots of fun things with them, having a boy is just so different. He gets into trouble in ways the girls never did! The closer I got, I realized she wasn't kidding, he really did fall in the creek. He was soaked from his neck down. Under the bridge was a slab of cement with that same trickle of water. But just beside it the cement stopped and the water was about as high as Tye's waist. So he had walked off the slab of cement and landed in that little pool of water. Tori had grabbed him and drug him out. And by the time I got to him, he was ticked.

And all I could do was laugh.

I am pretty laid back...I think that comes with dealing with what I've dealt with. I don't get nearly as wound up as I used to because I have had things happen that are big things, so the small things roll off my back more than they used to. The not-so-funny part was he had been with me the entire day, and I leave him for 2 minutes and he falls in a creek.

Again, I am laughing.

So Zeke and Tori walked back up the trail with Tye and me. Tye said he didn't think this was funny. Tori said that at least his hat didn't get wet! He stopped and patted his hat, realizing it was dry, and said...hmmph! So Karis helped me strip his shoes and pants off (I could ring water out of them) and Tori got him a towel from their van so he could make it home ok!

Now for another funny...
We were heading home from Dad's last night after a BBQ get-together. He made dinner after we went to Mass for Brian. As I pulled out of the driveway, this conversation started.

Amberlea, do you have your seat belt on?

Yes.

Rachel?

Yep.

Mom, how about you?

Yes, Tye.

So do I, because I would really miss all of you if I was in jail.

I guess I've gone a bit overboard about the importance of wearing your seat belt, but I'm ok with that!