Man of the House

The man of the house is less than impressed with the info we got in the mail today from my insurance company. After school, I ran home to grab my cell phone and also picked up the mail. We went to drive thru for something to drink, and as we were waiting, I opened the info on the claim for my house damage from the Aug. 18 tornado wind and hail storm.  As I looked down the list and saw the totals, I instinctively said...the damage on our house is going to cost 17,000 dollars!?! Tye said WHAT!?! Let me see that.  I responded and said oh, it's just the info on the storm. He insisted, so as they handed me our drinks, Tye was diligently looking over the adjuster's report.  As we drove off, I said...soooo, what do you think (tee hee)? His response...I think this is harsh.

He totally cracks me up.

Why harsh? I ask...

Like we have 17,000 to spend on repairs!

I then gave a mini lesson on insurance and how THEY would pay the 17K, and he was very pleased to find out people will just do that...he responded...well, that is so nice of them.

The I gave a mini lesson on how WE pay for our insurance so they will pay for damages.

I skipped the mini lesson to explain the $1,000 deductible!

So the man of the house is seemingly satisfied with our insurance coverage. I wonder if he can handle the next step of verifying what all is on the claim, finding the right person to do the work, and then getting it all done. Wonder what he will say when I get the info for the hail damage on my van... 

Tye-isms

Tonight:
Mom, tomorrow is show and tell.

Oh fun! What are you going to bring?

I'm not sure, but it HAS to be something INappropriate.

Hmmm.

What I Have Learned This Summer...and Other Rants

Wow! Summer 2011 went wayyyy too fast!  I have lots of fun things to tell and mostly just ramble about.

Things I learned this summer:

• Traveling by Amtrak is a lot of fun, especially when I am the sole driver of the family and so unbelievably tired of doing all the driving just wanted a nice break to enjoy the ride.  We left out of Union Station in KC early on a Monday morning. Having flown before, I am totally freaked out surprised at the lack of security.  We were toward the front of the line, and seriously, we were on the train maybe 3 minutes when we started to move.  On the way to St. Louis, we were in a car with only maybe another 10 people.
• Planning a trip to St. Louis by Amtrak, with the intent to get around the city via the metro and other public transportation, as well as our own 2 feet, sounds good in theory. But in upper 90's weather, I didn't want to listen to the 14 year old gripe ruin the vacation, so I rented a car.  Very good decision since it had a GPS, and getting around was super easy.
• Is it a pedal boat or a paddle boat? The jury is still out, although secretly, I believe I have won this argument with my daughters, considering we used pedals to move the boat around the lake at Forest Park. Pedal, paddle, tomato, tamato.
• Rootbeer floats are super delicious when made with chocolate ice cream! Whoda thunk? I mean here I am a chocoholic, and I've never thought to try it.  We went to Fitz's Rootbeer Bottling Company (brisket was amazing!). Got $20 worth of free rootbeer floats with a coupon I printed off before we left. Delicious!
• We went to play in the fountains at City Garden. So beautiful, with all the colored lights. Tye was going back and forth, having such a good time, drenched from head to toe. I had just told him 2 more minutes, and next thing I knew, he was coming at me with blood gushing from his nose. I had nothing with me to take care of this, but since he had his shoes and socks off to play in the water, I instinctively grabbed his white socks and started sopping up the bloodbath. He got up on a bench and laid on his back with his head on my lap, and after several minutes, I finally got it to slow down. By then, his socks were soaked with blood. He couldn't stop crying, and I was asking him, are you crying because it still hurts? or it scared you? What? Through the tears he said...my socks are ruined and I can't smell anything. Oh jeez.  The socks became an issue for the whole vacation, as he freaked out when he found out I was just going to throw them away. It seems those are his favorite socks in the whole wide world. What was I thinking?
• While we were gone, a very old building on the corner of 3rd and Main was destroyed by fire. For those of you who have been to the Ville, it is the old Time and Gift store, as well as Dave Weigel Insurance, plus apartments above and Burch Guttering below.  Reports say careless smoking, although I would say careless was an understatement, considering it is also reported that said smoker woke up, found the fire and put a fan on it to get it out while he went to knock on the doors of the other tenants. Can you say idiot intoxicated?
• Stopped at Target in St. Louis. Remind me to never turn my girls loose with a grocery cart.
• At Target as we were checking out, there were escalators maybe 25 feet from me. Tye was loving all the escalators we saw in St. Louis, and was begging me to go down and back up. As Rachel said...we don't get out much. I looked at the cashier and said, where do those go to? She said a parking garage, and I thought...wow, Target has hit the big time!  So I told him go down and come right back up. Mother Hen Amberlea went over to watch him, and down he went. As I grabbed my bags and Rachel and I walked closer, we could see Amberlea standing at the top of the DOWN escalator, and Tye was climbing UP the DOWN escalator. He would take 3-4 steps, then pause, and down he would go. I quickly realize he was crying, and the vision of him basically walking up the steps and going no where made me bust out laughing in complete hysterics giggle.  When it was all said and done, apparently he got to the bottom and there was no way back up. To get to back up, you had to walk out into the garage and back in through a certain door.  So Amberlea had gone down too, then hightailed it back up the DOWN escalator when she couldn't find a way out, but Tye fell trying to get up. Sheesh. You would think maybe the checker would have mentioned that when I said to go down and come right back. Whatever.  The girls and I decided it was the highlight of our trip!
• So this week, while the above mentioned building was being torn down by cranes, we were driving one street over. We had a good view of the demolition. I said to Tye, wow, check that out. He responded...awwww, that was my favorite building. (Huh?) Me...what, why? His response...oh, it is my favorite color. What? Brown? That child is so strange hilarious!
• Regardless if there is an open parking spot in front of the arch, while 20 others are parked, it is still a no parking zone. We were trying to find a frozen custard place, and decided to stop for only a few blasted minutes briefly to ask for directions. I parked and we went into the riverboat shop, returned about 5 minutes and a $25 parking ticket later.  Yes, there were definitely sign up, but I seriously don't know if I have ever parked somewhere that so many people were already parked illegally. They were bad influences on me!
• It truly is a small world. We ran into Marsha Meyers and kiddos at the City Museum!
• A GPS system gives me a power trip. More than once during our vacation, I imagined myself easily driving around New York City, considering how easily we found where we were going, or got ourselves out of being lost.

More later, I want to get this posted.

Busy Weekend

What beautiful weather!

Friday was my dad's 60th birthday!  YES, he is the big 6-0! I probably look too old to have a dad that is only 60, but let's just say that I am the oldest and he became a father at 22.  I hope I am as active as he is at that age.  Saturday we had a big surprise party for him, and we all had a great time!

Today my kiddos surprised me with blueberry muffins and flowers, and a really cute card.  Then we went to St. Joe to eat at Carlos O'Kelly's, which is a favorite of mine, and was a favorite of my mom's.  I miss her so much today, but also remember the inspiration she was and still is to me as a mother and as a woman. Below is a picture of my mom and me in the spring of 1974. Isn't my mom so beautiful?! I see so much of Karis and Erin in her, and also my cousins Lisa and Stacy. People tell me all the time that I look like her too, but I don't see it as much.

Happy Mother's Day to my mother-in-law Denise Halley, who has become like a mother to me and has been there to always support me, especially since I lost my own mom. I know Brian would thank her for all the love she has given us. Thank you Denise for bringing Brian into this world. We love you!

Tye-isms

(on a walk with Mojo)
TYE: Mom, we need to head home because my feet are crapping out on me.

Sitting w/a group of girls at the concessions during a break in the bball games this winter. One girl was standing, and Tye actually got up and went and got her a chair! I said wow, that was so sweet. He said...(get this)...I am only sweet on Saturdays. Hahahaha. We'll see what tomorrow brings.

Tye: Have you ever noticed that Justin "Beaver" looks kinda like Zach? Wonder if he has a brother named Cody.

Tye was looking for a picture of himself on his bday or the day he was born. He was clicking thru pix on the computer and came to one right before Brian died, he is on Brian's lap with his tractor cake. He said...awww, I really miss that cake. I love the way their minds work!

Welcome Mojo!

We got a dog! Tye was seriously starting to show the same symptoms of poor Billy in Where the Red Fern Grows, as he has the dog fever so bad he can't stand it. We had decided on a smaller dog because we are going to keep it in the house. I was reluctant to spend the kind of money that a yorkie or shitzu costs, and didn't know how this was going to happen. I just told someone the other day that maybe something would just work out.  Sure enough, the girls' stepmom saw on facebook that a girl from Maryville was wanting to give away her silky terrier because her infant is allergic to dogs.  We met Mojo on Saturday and fell in love with him.  Tye is so excited, and the girls and I are really enjoying him. I have never had an indoor dog, so this is all very new to me. I woke up the next morning and he was in bed with me.  Wow, never ever thought that would happen! He is such a good dog, already trained and so snuggly.  I will post pictures soon.

Bad Luck?

Had a little pity party for myself yesterday. Somedays it just catches up with me. Well, thought my pity party from yesterday was over, going to say today was ok...until Tye figured out I am going to miss his soccer game on Thurs. night for a trip w/Rachel. He burst in to tears and said he wishes his dad could be here to take him. Ugh, came out of left field. Have I made it clear how much I hate melanoma?

He also said everyone else is luckier than we are.

What do you say to that?

Only Parent vs. Single Parent

I HATE being only parent! I was bluntly reminded today when A)Tye got in trouble at school yet again; B)tax appt. ran late and caused a childcare snafoo; C)got a list of Boy Scout camps; D)1 camp is the same weekend as my class reunion; E)don't have plans lined out for my sub in the morning, and it's past Tye's bedtime; F)found out there is baseball tomorrow and I was going to an out of town track meet. My mood is seriously altered today. Blah.  It is no wonder I can't keep up. The expectations of my life are so unrealistic. I was thinking tonight how Brian would feel about what is going on right now. I seriously think he would be sad that I am alone and am running around like crazy! He was such a good help and so supportive of me, and our home was just that...OURS. We worked together to make it all happen. I don't know how exactly I could realistically make up for what is missing in all areas. Sheesh.

Just a quick update...
Went to the Blue Springs School of Econ today! Wow! We had sooo much fun. I love this part of teaching where I get to go on a field trip with Amberlea. What a busy day though, as I stopped off in Savannah to watch Rachel at a track meet, then headed back to Maryville for 6th grade DARE graduation for my students. It has been a long day.

What Happens on the Farm, Stays on the Farm

Tye is home from the farm. He told me he use a pitchfork to clean up sh%t out of the barn. Wow! Got a good laugh and then had to remind him about our deal about only talking like that on the farm! He was so excited when we came into town to see Rachel and Amberlea, and then disappointed they weren't home. Rachel came in to grab something and I'm not sure he even saw her.


And for the record, I don't let him talk like that and neither do Brian's parents...but you know a boy just does and hears things when he is out farming. You should hear him tell the story about "cutting out the hot stuff" when they work cattle...and I will just leave out some of what he told me about a mama cow after her calf was born. He is definitely my farmboy! What happens on the farm, stays on the farm!

And We Found THE Dress!

We are home from a long day of shopping for a graduation dress. We were at Independence Center in Macy's walking towards the door to leave (without a dress) and walked past a section of dresses we hadn't seen.  And there it was, THE dress! She screamed and the sales lady and I got a big laugh out of her. Who needs all day to shop? Rachel found it, tried it on and paid for it in less than 5 minutes! She looks amazing!  I was going to post pictures, but I will wait until graduation in May.

We have finally made it through all the partying for this year's February birthdays.  This weekend, Amberlea had the 5th and 6th grade girls over and there was a whole lot of giggling. Most of these girls are students in my class, so that was different, but fun.  Amberlea has grown up so much this year and really matured, and I hope it continues!

Rachel informed me that this year she will be 14, then next year she will get her permit, then the next she will get her license, then she'll be 17 the next year which will just be amazing, and then she'll be 18. I think I aged instantly! I feel sad that the time has gone so quickly, yet I am enjoying this new phase of our lives. She had her whole class over and it was so laid back, yet they had a lot of fun!

I skipped a friend party for Tye this year, and figure we will do one next year.  He is working really hard on listening, and not that it was a punishment, but I just decided this was a good year not to do a friend party. 

Today we had a big bash with all our family.  It means so much to me that they all came and celebrated with us.  I had a friend cook the meat, and it was so delicious.  I was really happy with how the party turned out. 

It is hard to believe that my kids are now 14, 11 and 7. I miss them being little, and then I don't. Each stage of their lives has been challenging and rewarding at the same time.  I wouldn't trade any of it. Remind me I said that in a few years after I have experience high school!

Snow Days...Ahhh

I LOVE SNOW DAYS!

I do not like making them up. But hey, live for today! I totally love snow days because you can't plan for them and they are unexpected.  So there is nothing else on the schedule except for enjoying my kids, playing games and taking it easy! I like to get ahead a little on laundry or whatever else, but beyond that, I just try to really enjoy the break. My oldest keeps praying for snow because she won't have to make up the days since she is in 8th grade and gets out on May 13th no matter what. I am going to keep a handle on just how much praying she is doing because as much as I love snow days, I don't want them getting out of hand! Lol!

Holiday Thoughts

Well, this Christmas vacation has proven to be a much needed break! I am really enjoying my time with the kids and doing our own thing, although I'm not sure we are accomplishing a whole lot.

This was the first Christmas since losing Brian that I did not have that hole in the pit of my stomach feeling. 2008 and 2009 just seemed a blur, and were very difficult to enjoy without Brian.  I KNOW that Brian would want us to be happy and to enjoy each moment. It has just taken some getting used to on my part, to be happy without him.

I am also carrying a lot of guilt where these 3 great kids are involved. My hopes and dreams and aspirations of being a certain kind of mother have been shattered.  Much has been out of my control, but I look back and know that I got to an unhealthy place in my grieving, and I stayed there way too long. I was spinning my wheels, and in turn, missing out on a whole lot. 

I have prayed so much that Brian would help give me the strength to begin to feel better.  Slowly, things are starting to change.  The most difficult part for me is knowing that some of it can never change. No matter what I do right now, the thought of keeping up with a fulltime and very demanding job, chasing 3 kids and meeting their social, emotional and physical needs and wants is so overwhelming.  I say so often that I am not Super Woman, but frankly, I don't even think she could keep up with this.  I am trying to let some things go, to worry less and pray more.

It's a start. And it has helped me to really enjoy my time off with the kids. And for that, I am thankful.

Here I Am...

Here I am, wondering how August is over and we are well on our way into September.  The calendar is full, and I have yet to figure out just how it is that I have had sooooo many meetings lately, and more scheduled for this week.  What can there possibly be to talk about? But I digress. 

Rachel is super busy with volleyball, but she really does love it! I am excited for her games, starting on Sept. 23.  The season is going to go so fast and we'll be right on to basketball.  She is also on student council, and then of course her social life keeps her hopping too.

Amberlea has made the transition downstairs to 5th grade.  Actually this year I have Amberlea in the classroom on one side of me, and Rachel on the other side.  I love getting to see them different times throughout the day.  Rachel seems to visit me the most, and even my class gets a laugh out of her popping in.  Anyway, Amberlea is in band this year.  She started off playing alto sax like Rachel, and like me (I played tenor sax for 8 years).  I tried to talk both of them into something else.  I didn't really have a choice on what I was going to play as a kid, just that my mom had a tenor sax and that was mine to use.  Yet Rachel still went with the sax.  The Amberlea decided that she couldn't play any of the rest of them, although the few days that she played the sax I heard an awful lot of honking noises! She plays the piano and has decided to do percussion instead.  She is really excited about this, and I am hoping the two will go hand-in-hand.

Tye is loving 1st grade.  His teacher is very structured, and that is really good for him.  He is growing and changing so much, and loves to read.

We went on Friday night back to Unionville to watch our cousin Dallas play football.  He is a senior, so he was in the game the whole time, and that made it even more fun.  Tye loved it, and I hope we can get back to see him again.  I figured we better go now before things get really crazy!  The girls and I stayed until midday and then headed home so they could go to a BBQ with their dad.  Tye stayed for the weekend and spent the night in the camper with Uncle Todd and Aunt Jamie and Trace and Katie.  He spent all day today helping Papa work on the farm.  I will go to Bethany to get him sometime tomorrow afternoon.  He loves being there and spending time with them, and so do I.

I went to Dad and Martha's tonight for dinner, then I went to see Going the Distance with Karis.  I personally thought it was really funny and had some laugh-out-loud moments.  And it wasn't overly sad either, which I don't need.  Then Karis and I went and got Erin and Jacob and went to Applebee's for drinks and appetizers.  We really enjoyed our visit, and it felt good to spend time with them.

So there's the update.  Not much going on, just trying to settle in a routine and keep my head from spinning!

Ugh...

I can't sleep. Again.  I am on my 3rd night in a row that I h ave been up past midnight.  Thought tonight I would get on the computer and hope my eyes get sleepy really quick!  I was tired last night and was heading to bed when I could hear Tye. He was sound asleep and whimpering about Daddy.  I jostled him a little and it stopped.  Then it started again with full blown wailing.  He cried and cried, and I got him awake enough that I kind of think he was crying about Daddy, and then crying because he was crying...  He kept saying I WANT MY DADDY over and over.

It was an awful moment. Because these are the things I can't fix.  He essentially cried himself to sleep because he wasn't awake enough to wake all the way up, and his sobbing wore him out pretty fast.

And then there is no rest for the weary. No amt. of being tired could get me to settle in last night, so I stayed up until I finally crashed.

A few weeks ago he crawled in bed with me one morning around 5am, just sobbing like crazy.  I said what is wrong? He said...I can't remember what Daddy's face looks like. Oh my gosh it was probably the worst moment I have had.  I couldn't sleep again.  He was fine the next day, and I cried for 3 days straight. Even now, writing it down, I feel overwhelmed with grief.  Tye does have a few pictures of Daddy in his room, but I immediately put up the professional pictures we had taken of Brian and Tye together, and I am hoping to have all the other family pictures up over the Labor Day weekend. 

It just makes me feel like I have failed in helping him grieve.  And I have, in a sense.  We mostly grieve when I am feeling it.  I don't keep him from doing anything like talking about it or going to the cemetery or anything.  But so much of it is taken from what I am feeling, what I bring up to him, what I share.  I have yet to share any videos of Brian with Tye. And I will be honest to say that I am scared to.  I didn't used to be scared, I wanted to.  But I just couldn't yet.  Now enough time has passed that I can't bear to see him suffering, like in the video of the kids' birthday party just before Brian died.

It seems odd to me.  I would have thought I would want to actually hear his voice and see his expressions.  And it isn't because I don't want to.  I think it is because it just hurts too bad.  The pain is not gone, not even close, and it is hard to want to sit down and watch any videos or look at pictures that will make that feel even worse.  So then Tye misses out, because if it isn't me doing it, who is it?

Sometimes I am so mad.  Why am I crying about this?  Why can't I get it through my head that this is how it is? He's gone.  And sometimes I wonder if the pictures and videos are the next step for me, that I need to find a way to face those and get through them, to share them, to cry and laugh and experience that.

This is where I wish so much I had a support group to attend. I am just out here in the midst of my life with essentially no one who can really know what this feels like.  I find myself being able to endure the pain of losing my husband more than I can face the fact that my child is without his father. It is the saddest thing to be a part of, and I am deeply angry that this precious child and my wonderful and amazing husband could not be together.  I resent what cancer did to our family because we are still picking up the pieces. I am not the same person I was before Brian died, both good and bad.

Tye came home from school the other day with a picture he drew of our family.  We were all 5 there.  I was happy to see that, and just said that I loved the picture. He said...I still drew Daddy because he is still my family. For a split second I had the urge to rip it out of his hands and just destroy the picture. Another part of me wanted to just rip Brian out of it.  Instead, I hung it on the fridge.

So do I feel guilty? Not right now. Just angry that it feels like our family was destroyed, that Brian was ripped from us.  I read blogs of lots of other widows who do not still seem to be in this funk after this much time.  I know there is no timeframe. Sometimes I seriously think it is because I want to just stay where I am.  I have a friend who lost her husband, and will be remarrying in the next month.  What a blessing it is for her to have a second chance at happiness for her and her son.  But me? I had a 2nd chance already, and that was the beautiful thing about my love for Brian and his for me. It was real, it was unconditional, and it was forever.

I am still wearing my wedding rings.  I have tried to take them off, and so far it just upsets me.  I am a planner and a thinker, and I have yet to convince myself the benefit or purpose of taking them off.  I figure those who think I should be "over" losing Brian already think that anyway, regardless of what I do with my rings.  So far nothing has compelled me to want to take them off. I might not ever take them off.  Or I might for a while, then put them back on. But what does it mean if I do or if I don't?  Am I caught in the past, or do I get to feel like I am still married to him if I want to? 

They called about coaching Tye's soccer team, either me or my husband. It reminded me of a widow's blog I read once that she said she signed her son up for soccer, and in the father's name section she wrote deceased.  Always before, she wasn't sure what to do, but she finally just decided that he is indeed dead, and she would just go ahead and make it known so they wouldn't call her husband to see if he could coach, and then she also wouldn't have to do any explaining.  This was a big soccer organization.  Then when the list of teams came out, it listed the child's name, then the mom and dad's names similar to this...Deceased and Jenni Halley.  Seriously?

I have been very overwhelmed lately.  I have finally admitted to myself that I simply can't do this alone and  have things be the way I want them to be.  My house is in disarray, and I am distraught. So I decided to start taking one room at a time. It is hard to leave the other rooms and have them seem messy or cluttered, or not even a mess but just need some attention.  But I do have to say that it seems to be helping, and I am feeling more productive than I have in a while. 

Getting back into a routine has helped, although writing on this blog this late at night is not helping.  I am sleeping in on Saturday because I figure my time is limited.  Soccer will be starting, and my lazy morning days are few and far between.'

Well, I accomplished what I started with writing this.  My eyes are super sleepy, and I did get in a little cry that I must have needed...which is also adding to my eyes feeling tired.  Better take advantage and get to sleep.

1st Day of School 2010

3 Great Kids start another school year!

Rachel is 13 1/2 and in 8th grade.

Amberlea is 10 1/2 and in 5th grade.
Tye is 6 1/2 and in 1st grade.
Jenni is 30-something and still in 6th grade!

Here is a picture of Amberlea with her teacher, Mrs. Hall.  I have both girls on either side of me this year!  The other pictures are saved on my computer at school, so I will try to email those home tomorrow and post them tomorrow night.

August 3rd, 1972 and 1952

On the same day, 20 years apart, two amazing people came into this world.  My mom loved and supported me from my own first moments of life, through my childhood and teen years, through my first marriage and a rough divorce, through the births of my 3 children, and into my wonderful life with Brian.  She was there when I fell in love with Brian, and I always thought it was so ironic that they shared a birthday.  My mom thought the world of Brian, and it wasn't just because of the joy and love he brought into my life. They always enjoyed each other.  I miss my mom so much, and especially when Brian was so sick.  I needed her.  But in hindsight, I am somewhat thankful that she didn't have to be here to watch him suffer, and that she was there waiting for him when he went to Heaven.  Two lives, cut too short, yet such blessings to me.

Happy 38th birthday to my wonderful and amazing husband, and happy 58th to the best mom in the world.

Life is So Unpredictable

The phone rang this morning at 6:45. I shot out of bed. I have never gotten used to being awaken by the phone. A phone call in the wee morning hours of a day in April 2006 changed my life forever. My mom was dead. Gone. No warning, no goodbye, no do over's. I have said since then, I have lost my innocence. My mind seems to always wander to the worst case scenarios. Someone who is a few minutes late, someone who won't answer their phone, someone who is traveling. And then add the worry of Brian's situation, and I seem to often think the worst. It is something I have to fight because it can consume a person. Even thinking clearly and being rational goes out the window sometimes.

And when I realized the time that the phone was ringing, my mind...my heart...all thought...what happened? My brain automatically causes my heart to sink as I stumbled to the phone.

And I was right. It was my dad calling to let me know that a very close friend of my mom's lost her husband unexpectedly yesterday. His wife was a bridesmaid and he was a groomsman in my parents' wedding. On their honeymoon, he and his wife came to Clovis, NM to see me as a brand new baby, which means their anniversary is sometime right around now and they have been married 37 years. (My 37th birthday was on Monday).

It seems so different to relive my own tragedy in my mind when I hear of others. My empathy level is so different because I've been there, I've done that, I've felt the feelings of sudden loss, of how things in life are going along just great and BAM! And I am saddened by their loss, and the loss of what is to come.

As a motherless mother, it is a reminder to me that today is a gift, and tomorrow is not promised to any of us.

My prayers today are for peace for the whole Crites family, and comfort in the memories of Ron.

Decisions, Decisions

I have struggled with indecisiveness for several years now. It is one of those things that came along in the midst of Brian's illness, and it never has completely gone away. I blame the countless hours upon hours I spent mulling over treatments for him and trying to learn more about melanoma. The decisions we had to make were beyond any level of difficulty I had ever experienced or that I could ever really fully describe. The consequences of most every decision involved pain and suffering, both physically and mentally. And literally the thought of death loomed in the background. Rarely do people deal with decisions that can result in death, or that are designed to stop death. I guess we do all have the decisions like wearing a seatbelt or smoking or walking home alone in the dark that we do consider a grim ending to. But beyond that, even the most difficult decisions involving relationships and life changes like jobs and babies still aren't usually at the level of having death waved in front of you.

So somewhere along the line, I quit making some decisions. I could have cared less what was for dinner because the other decisions were taking up my brain energy. And where there was space to make considerations, I found my head full of other worries. How will these decisions affect our children? How are the kids doing in school? So what color to paint a room or which car to buy or whether I want a new hairdo somehow became trivial.

And it has been hard to get past that. I wouldn't say I just don't give a crap. I do. It is just that I have found in the years of dealing with his illness and death, and being subjected to crazy decisions like what type of casket, what kind of flowers, what to bury him in, and so on, have somehow made other things seem less important. But what I have found is that it isn't a matter of just making a decision without thinking, but instead I find myself overthinking and overanalyzing basically everything.

The paint colors in my living room and dining room liked to have killed me. I lost sleep over this, for God's sake, a lot of sleep. Or what to do about Rachel's bedroom, or lack of bedroom. Somehow I let the time tick because I just couldn't make a decision. The mere thought of picking out carpet is stressing me out.

And this whole vacation thing has been a personal struggle. I have lost sleep over this too. Where can we go that feels like a vacation for all of us? Where we can be safe? And Rachel isn't loaded down with the responsibility of being an adult figure? Where will we stay, what will we do? How will I handle driving alone?

It has been a slow process. It took me a few months to even convince myself where we should go. Rachel and I went to a day long trip to Branson back in May, and afterwards chatted about how we thought it would all work if we attempted it. She and I both feel comfortable that we can do this, so we are going for it. Then came the where and when. What type of lodging? What activities are we going to do? And why do I always have to make all these decisions? So I talked to the kids and asked them what sounded fun, and we are going from there. I finally booked a Best Western today, and even all day today I was wavering back and forth on the when. It was a nightmare. I felt overwhelmingly reluctant to commit to anything. I think part of me was worried about something coming up. The other part of me was worried that I hadn't found the best deal, and also worried that it wouldn't be just perfect. Some of me was ticked that I couldn't just make a decision. I was needing someone to say THIS is when you should go.

I consider myself very capable of doing all this. So why is it that I just sometimes want someone else to do it? I know I can drive all the way to Branson by myself, but that is not the point.

I suppose it is a common widow thing, the overwhelming feeling of being stuck doing everything. It has nothing to do with capability, but everything to do with missing your companion on the journey of life. I think back to our last Branson vacation. Tye was 6 months old, which made Rachel 7 1/2 and Amberlea 4 1/2. I'm pretty sure I made all the reservations. But I had someone to bounce ideas off of. We decided together which was the perfect time to go. So some of my indecisiveness is just not wanting to be the one deciding all the time.

But I did feel a sense of accomplishment today once it was all done. I have already made some decisions about what we are doing specifically because I don't want to get down there and be doing the whole...what do you guys want to do, and them saying I don't know, and me being overwhelmed. I have even scoped out some places to eat, and I'm thinking of assigning kids to each day, or something fun that they each get to and are assigned to decide. Or we might decide together before we go. I figure that will help.

So I'm feeling less stress tonight. I am glad because I was starting to think maybe we shouldn't even do a vacation because the planning in and of itself was causing me too much angst. I sat tonight and thought out some other ideas on how to make things run smoothly, including planning WAYYYY ahead about what needs packed so I don't feel like I'm going to explode getting 4 people ready to go on vacation. The girls can both be a lot of help, so hopefully we can do it together.

I figure something must be going right because I am already really excited about it all. We are just going in 14 days...nothing like totally putting off making a decision until it was too late...literally, because I finally decided yesterday what I wanted to do, and the placed was booked solid until mid-Aug. I filed that away in the back of my mind, thinking that when we return to Branson another time someday, I will already know what it is I want to do and where.

It feels like I am on the right track to a great family time. I don't want to feel like I need a vacation after my vacation, and so far it is feeling good. I'm thinking I need to get myself together about this decision-making stuff, and it seems that thinking out a plan ahead of time on how to make the decisions is helping. I like to be spontaneous, though, and that is hard, especially when I want to be responsible and safe.

It also feels like the hard part is over, so I'm hoping it is smooth sailing for now, and a fun vacation in the future! I'll let you know.