Only Parent vs. Single Parent

I HATE being only parent! I was bluntly reminded today when A)Tye got in trouble at school yet again; B)tax appt. ran late and caused a childcare snafoo; C)got a list of Boy Scout camps; D)1 camp is the same weekend as my class reunion; E)don't have plans lined out for my sub in the morning, and it's past Tye's bedtime; F)found out there is baseball tomorrow and I was going to an out of town track meet. My mood is seriously altered today. Blah.  It is no wonder I can't keep up. The expectations of my life are so unrealistic. I was thinking tonight how Brian would feel about what is going on right now. I seriously think he would be sad that I am alone and am running around like crazy! He was such a good help and so supportive of me, and our home was just that...OURS. We worked together to make it all happen. I don't know how exactly I could realistically make up for what is missing in all areas. Sheesh.

Just a quick update...
Went to the Blue Springs School of Econ today! Wow! We had sooo much fun. I love this part of teaching where I get to go on a field trip with Amberlea. What a busy day though, as I stopped off in Savannah to watch Rachel at a track meet, then headed back to Maryville for 6th grade DARE graduation for my students. It has been a long day.

What Happens on the Farm, Stays on the Farm

Tye is home from the farm. He told me he use a pitchfork to clean up sh%t out of the barn. Wow! Got a good laugh and then had to remind him about our deal about only talking like that on the farm! He was so excited when we came into town to see Rachel and Amberlea, and then disappointed they weren't home. Rachel came in to grab something and I'm not sure he even saw her.


And for the record, I don't let him talk like that and neither do Brian's parents...but you know a boy just does and hears things when he is out farming. You should hear him tell the story about "cutting out the hot stuff" when they work cattle...and I will just leave out some of what he told me about a mama cow after her calf was born. He is definitely my farmboy! What happens on the farm, stays on the farm!

And We Found THE Dress!

We are home from a long day of shopping for a graduation dress. We were at Independence Center in Macy's walking towards the door to leave (without a dress) and walked past a section of dresses we hadn't seen.  And there it was, THE dress! She screamed and the sales lady and I got a big laugh out of her. Who needs all day to shop? Rachel found it, tried it on and paid for it in less than 5 minutes! She looks amazing!  I was going to post pictures, but I will wait until graduation in May.

We have finally made it through all the partying for this year's February birthdays.  This weekend, Amberlea had the 5th and 6th grade girls over and there was a whole lot of giggling. Most of these girls are students in my class, so that was different, but fun.  Amberlea has grown up so much this year and really matured, and I hope it continues!

Rachel informed me that this year she will be 14, then next year she will get her permit, then the next she will get her license, then she'll be 17 the next year which will just be amazing, and then she'll be 18. I think I aged instantly! I feel sad that the time has gone so quickly, yet I am enjoying this new phase of our lives. She had her whole class over and it was so laid back, yet they had a lot of fun!

I skipped a friend party for Tye this year, and figure we will do one next year.  He is working really hard on listening, and not that it was a punishment, but I just decided this was a good year not to do a friend party. 

Today we had a big bash with all our family.  It means so much to me that they all came and celebrated with us.  I had a friend cook the meat, and it was so delicious.  I was really happy with how the party turned out. 

It is hard to believe that my kids are now 14, 11 and 7. I miss them being little, and then I don't. Each stage of their lives has been challenging and rewarding at the same time.  I wouldn't trade any of it. Remind me I said that in a few years after I have experience high school!

Snow Days...Ahhh

I LOVE SNOW DAYS!

I do not like making them up. But hey, live for today! I totally love snow days because you can't plan for them and they are unexpected.  So there is nothing else on the schedule except for enjoying my kids, playing games and taking it easy! I like to get ahead a little on laundry or whatever else, but beyond that, I just try to really enjoy the break. My oldest keeps praying for snow because she won't have to make up the days since she is in 8th grade and gets out on May 13th no matter what. I am going to keep a handle on just how much praying she is doing because as much as I love snow days, I don't want them getting out of hand! Lol!

Holiday Thoughts

Well, this Christmas vacation has proven to be a much needed break! I am really enjoying my time with the kids and doing our own thing, although I'm not sure we are accomplishing a whole lot.

This was the first Christmas since losing Brian that I did not have that hole in the pit of my stomach feeling. 2008 and 2009 just seemed a blur, and were very difficult to enjoy without Brian.  I KNOW that Brian would want us to be happy and to enjoy each moment. It has just taken some getting used to on my part, to be happy without him.

I am also carrying a lot of guilt where these 3 great kids are involved. My hopes and dreams and aspirations of being a certain kind of mother have been shattered.  Much has been out of my control, but I look back and know that I got to an unhealthy place in my grieving, and I stayed there way too long. I was spinning my wheels, and in turn, missing out on a whole lot. 

I have prayed so much that Brian would help give me the strength to begin to feel better.  Slowly, things are starting to change.  The most difficult part for me is knowing that some of it can never change. No matter what I do right now, the thought of keeping up with a fulltime and very demanding job, chasing 3 kids and meeting their social, emotional and physical needs and wants is so overwhelming.  I say so often that I am not Super Woman, but frankly, I don't even think she could keep up with this.  I am trying to let some things go, to worry less and pray more.

It's a start. And it has helped me to really enjoy my time off with the kids. And for that, I am thankful.