Another Birthday

Today is my birthday. My 36th birthday. So I'm not a 34 year-old widow anymore.

I awoke this morning to a tap on my door. Tori, Luke and Erin were there with fresh-baked cinnamon rolls! They brought a card, and also a singing card from my children, which also had a recorded message! Rachel and Amberlea were gone until about 1:30 with their dad on a float trip all weekend, which couldn't be scheduled any other time besides my birthday. So it was great to hear their voices still!

I had several phone calls, texts, and well wishes. I got lots of happy birthdays from facebook (thanks everyone). And when my kids got home, they gave me the coolest candle warmer. It plugs in and melts scented wax, and our whole house smells so nice. They picked out grape, blueberry cheesecake and sugar cookie, so we have some great scents to try out. Thanks Abby for helping Rachel do some planning on this. I also got a firetruck, amongst a huge set of tears from Tye because he didn't feel that he had gotten me anything for my birthday. This happened some with Mother's Day, and then today it was just too much for him. I find it to be an interesting position to be in, and I don't really know how to handle it. I don't know what is right, I know that nothing feels right. I finally started giving Rachel money for Mother's Day this year. I was really cracked up when she called me when I was in Boston and asked me if I was going to give her money for my birthday also. At first I was like, what? Then she kind of paused and said...I found something I want to get you for your birthday and I want to know if I can have some money.

I told you my life is crazy.

So back to the firetruck. He insisted on wrapping it for me; Rachel insisted it wasn't necessary. A lot of crying later, I convinced her that it might make him feel better and it wasn't going to hurt anything. He just beamed when I opened it. Not sure what my plan will be for next year, but something is going to have to change because he is old enough to know he didn't buy me anything or make me anything or really do anything for me for my birthday. Last night he told me he was going to cook me breakfast this morning, and I prayed I would wake up before he started cooking, just in case! As it was, he slept in. Today he kept telling me all day today how much he loves me. Several times he would just say...so today is your birthday?

I got a hefty dose of our home lacking another parent today. I'm not sure if I feel bad or what I feel. I have worked really hard not to put pressure on Rachel, not to put her in the position of having to be responsible for things that most other 12 year-olds don't have to worry about. Around 3pm she asked me if she could ride to Dollar General to get frosting. I told her that we needed to go to the store for something for supper, and she could buy some frosting then if she wanted. What is for supper, she asked. I said I was hoping they could come up with something they wanted to make that sounded good, and then the 3 of them could make it together (thinking this would actually involve Tye). Amberlea thought this was a great idea, and Rachel ho-hummed around and couldn't make up her mind, then ended up on the computer...she's been out of touch since Thursday night since she was on the float trip! Amberlea went and asked her again, and finally after 6 sometime, I went to the store on my own and got stuff for homemade pizza. I stopped at the cemetery and got my own tears out because Brian is gone and my mom is gone too, and she would never have let this happen. I recovered and keep reminding myself to be thankful for living to see 36 (Brian didn't get to) and hoping to God I am still alive in 18 years to see 54 (my mom didn't get to). Still, I opened my eyes this morning and have been baffled all day that I am 36...what happened to being in my twenties?

I came home from the store and made myself supper, with a little help from Amberlea and Tye. While the pizza was baking, Rachel came up from her room, a little surprised that I was cooking supper. I said...well, it is 7:36 and I figure we need to eat. She said...well, did you get any frosting? I just sighed and said...well, no I didn't feel like deciding about my own birthday cake.

She decided to take Amberlea with her to Dollar General, and they were back in time for the pizza to be out of the oven. They baked a chocolate cake with chocolate frosting and sprinkles, and we had snicker's ice cream too! It was very yummy! Tye was about to split, he was so excited to help.

My dad stopped by with a really neat clock/hygrometer/thermometer for outside. We hung it on the side of my house, and it looks great. I have always wanted one, but always think I should save my money or spend it on something I need. So it was a nice surprise. Dad ate some pizza and cake too, and we sat on the deck on such a nice evening and visited. While we were out there, the girls surprised me with cleaning up the kitchen from supper, and some other things that were out too. That was a very nice surprise.

So it was a good birthday. I try not to have any expectations, because what I really, really want can never happen. So those of you out there who have spouses who make a big deal out of your birthday...relish in it because you will miss it when it is gone someday. I think next year I am just going to actually plan my birthday myself and have something set for us to do, like go swimming or bowling or out of town. It would be easier on me, and definitely easier on the kids. I am really proud of Rachel for all she does, and the fact is, she isn't Brian and she isn't supposed to be. She's my 12 year-old kid who is very thoughtful and sneaky! (with my money...ha!)

Tye and I went to Bethany last night to meet Phillip and Denise. They took us out to supper for my birthday. We had a great visit, and are making plans for Tye to go stay at Unionville for a few days at the end of the week.

Yesterday we also went to a bowling party for Tori and Don. Their b-days are the 2oth and 22nd, and Luke's is the 28th! Yes, Erin tried 3x to be due around my birthday, and she missed it all 3 times! Ha!

Rachel is going to tennis camp this week. She doesn't know how to play tennis. The coach is a friend of ours, and she tells me others come to camp without knowing, some even come without a racket! She has a racket, at least! She is excited to learn how to really play! Amberlea is one year too young (story of Amberlea's life right now), so I'm not sure what all she is going to do this week. Hopefully I can find something fun to do.