Life is So Unpredictable

The phone rang this morning at 6:45. I shot out of bed. I have never gotten used to being awaken by the phone. A phone call in the wee morning hours of a day in April 2006 changed my life forever. My mom was dead. Gone. No warning, no goodbye, no do over's. I have said since then, I have lost my innocence. My mind seems to always wander to the worst case scenarios. Someone who is a few minutes late, someone who won't answer their phone, someone who is traveling. And then add the worry of Brian's situation, and I seem to often think the worst. It is something I have to fight because it can consume a person. Even thinking clearly and being rational goes out the window sometimes.

And when I realized the time that the phone was ringing, my mind...my heart...all thought...what happened? My brain automatically causes my heart to sink as I stumbled to the phone.

And I was right. It was my dad calling to let me know that a very close friend of my mom's lost her husband unexpectedly yesterday. His wife was a bridesmaid and he was a groomsman in my parents' wedding. On their honeymoon, he and his wife came to Clovis, NM to see me as a brand new baby, which means their anniversary is sometime right around now and they have been married 37 years. (My 37th birthday was on Monday).

It seems so different to relive my own tragedy in my mind when I hear of others. My empathy level is so different because I've been there, I've done that, I've felt the feelings of sudden loss, of how things in life are going along just great and BAM! And I am saddened by their loss, and the loss of what is to come.

As a motherless mother, it is a reminder to me that today is a gift, and tomorrow is not promised to any of us.

My prayers today are for peace for the whole Crites family, and comfort in the memories of Ron.

Decisions, Decisions

I have struggled with indecisiveness for several years now. It is one of those things that came along in the midst of Brian's illness, and it never has completely gone away. I blame the countless hours upon hours I spent mulling over treatments for him and trying to learn more about melanoma. The decisions we had to make were beyond any level of difficulty I had ever experienced or that I could ever really fully describe. The consequences of most every decision involved pain and suffering, both physically and mentally. And literally the thought of death loomed in the background. Rarely do people deal with decisions that can result in death, or that are designed to stop death. I guess we do all have the decisions like wearing a seatbelt or smoking or walking home alone in the dark that we do consider a grim ending to. But beyond that, even the most difficult decisions involving relationships and life changes like jobs and babies still aren't usually at the level of having death waved in front of you.

So somewhere along the line, I quit making some decisions. I could have cared less what was for dinner because the other decisions were taking up my brain energy. And where there was space to make considerations, I found my head full of other worries. How will these decisions affect our children? How are the kids doing in school? So what color to paint a room or which car to buy or whether I want a new hairdo somehow became trivial.

And it has been hard to get past that. I wouldn't say I just don't give a crap. I do. It is just that I have found in the years of dealing with his illness and death, and being subjected to crazy decisions like what type of casket, what kind of flowers, what to bury him in, and so on, have somehow made other things seem less important. But what I have found is that it isn't a matter of just making a decision without thinking, but instead I find myself overthinking and overanalyzing basically everything.

The paint colors in my living room and dining room liked to have killed me. I lost sleep over this, for God's sake, a lot of sleep. Or what to do about Rachel's bedroom, or lack of bedroom. Somehow I let the time tick because I just couldn't make a decision. The mere thought of picking out carpet is stressing me out.

And this whole vacation thing has been a personal struggle. I have lost sleep over this too. Where can we go that feels like a vacation for all of us? Where we can be safe? And Rachel isn't loaded down with the responsibility of being an adult figure? Where will we stay, what will we do? How will I handle driving alone?

It has been a slow process. It took me a few months to even convince myself where we should go. Rachel and I went to a day long trip to Branson back in May, and afterwards chatted about how we thought it would all work if we attempted it. She and I both feel comfortable that we can do this, so we are going for it. Then came the where and when. What type of lodging? What activities are we going to do? And why do I always have to make all these decisions? So I talked to the kids and asked them what sounded fun, and we are going from there. I finally booked a Best Western today, and even all day today I was wavering back and forth on the when. It was a nightmare. I felt overwhelmingly reluctant to commit to anything. I think part of me was worried about something coming up. The other part of me was worried that I hadn't found the best deal, and also worried that it wouldn't be just perfect. Some of me was ticked that I couldn't just make a decision. I was needing someone to say THIS is when you should go.

I consider myself very capable of doing all this. So why is it that I just sometimes want someone else to do it? I know I can drive all the way to Branson by myself, but that is not the point.

I suppose it is a common widow thing, the overwhelming feeling of being stuck doing everything. It has nothing to do with capability, but everything to do with missing your companion on the journey of life. I think back to our last Branson vacation. Tye was 6 months old, which made Rachel 7 1/2 and Amberlea 4 1/2. I'm pretty sure I made all the reservations. But I had someone to bounce ideas off of. We decided together which was the perfect time to go. So some of my indecisiveness is just not wanting to be the one deciding all the time.

But I did feel a sense of accomplishment today once it was all done. I have already made some decisions about what we are doing specifically because I don't want to get down there and be doing the whole...what do you guys want to do, and them saying I don't know, and me being overwhelmed. I have even scoped out some places to eat, and I'm thinking of assigning kids to each day, or something fun that they each get to and are assigned to decide. Or we might decide together before we go. I figure that will help.

So I'm feeling less stress tonight. I am glad because I was starting to think maybe we shouldn't even do a vacation because the planning in and of itself was causing me too much angst. I sat tonight and thought out some other ideas on how to make things run smoothly, including planning WAYYYY ahead about what needs packed so I don't feel like I'm going to explode getting 4 people ready to go on vacation. The girls can both be a lot of help, so hopefully we can do it together.

I figure something must be going right because I am already really excited about it all. We are just going in 14 days...nothing like totally putting off making a decision until it was too late...literally, because I finally decided yesterday what I wanted to do, and the placed was booked solid until mid-Aug. I filed that away in the back of my mind, thinking that when we return to Branson another time someday, I will already know what it is I want to do and where.

It feels like I am on the right track to a great family time. I don't want to feel like I need a vacation after my vacation, and so far it is feeling good. I'm thinking I need to get myself together about this decision-making stuff, and it seems that thinking out a plan ahead of time on how to make the decisions is helping. I like to be spontaneous, though, and that is hard, especially when I want to be responsible and safe.

It also feels like the hard part is over, so I'm hoping it is smooth sailing for now, and a fun vacation in the future! I'll let you know.