Ugh...

I can't sleep. Again.  I am on my 3rd night in a row that I h ave been up past midnight.  Thought tonight I would get on the computer and hope my eyes get sleepy really quick!  I was tired last night and was heading to bed when I could hear Tye. He was sound asleep and whimpering about Daddy.  I jostled him a little and it stopped.  Then it started again with full blown wailing.  He cried and cried, and I got him awake enough that I kind of think he was crying about Daddy, and then crying because he was crying...  He kept saying I WANT MY DADDY over and over.

It was an awful moment. Because these are the things I can't fix.  He essentially cried himself to sleep because he wasn't awake enough to wake all the way up, and his sobbing wore him out pretty fast.

And then there is no rest for the weary. No amt. of being tired could get me to settle in last night, so I stayed up until I finally crashed.

A few weeks ago he crawled in bed with me one morning around 5am, just sobbing like crazy.  I said what is wrong? He said...I can't remember what Daddy's face looks like. Oh my gosh it was probably the worst moment I have had.  I couldn't sleep again.  He was fine the next day, and I cried for 3 days straight. Even now, writing it down, I feel overwhelmed with grief.  Tye does have a few pictures of Daddy in his room, but I immediately put up the professional pictures we had taken of Brian and Tye together, and I am hoping to have all the other family pictures up over the Labor Day weekend. 

It just makes me feel like I have failed in helping him grieve.  And I have, in a sense.  We mostly grieve when I am feeling it.  I don't keep him from doing anything like talking about it or going to the cemetery or anything.  But so much of it is taken from what I am feeling, what I bring up to him, what I share.  I have yet to share any videos of Brian with Tye. And I will be honest to say that I am scared to.  I didn't used to be scared, I wanted to.  But I just couldn't yet.  Now enough time has passed that I can't bear to see him suffering, like in the video of the kids' birthday party just before Brian died.

It seems odd to me.  I would have thought I would want to actually hear his voice and see his expressions.  And it isn't because I don't want to.  I think it is because it just hurts too bad.  The pain is not gone, not even close, and it is hard to want to sit down and watch any videos or look at pictures that will make that feel even worse.  So then Tye misses out, because if it isn't me doing it, who is it?

Sometimes I am so mad.  Why am I crying about this?  Why can't I get it through my head that this is how it is? He's gone.  And sometimes I wonder if the pictures and videos are the next step for me, that I need to find a way to face those and get through them, to share them, to cry and laugh and experience that.

This is where I wish so much I had a support group to attend. I am just out here in the midst of my life with essentially no one who can really know what this feels like.  I find myself being able to endure the pain of losing my husband more than I can face the fact that my child is without his father. It is the saddest thing to be a part of, and I am deeply angry that this precious child and my wonderful and amazing husband could not be together.  I resent what cancer did to our family because we are still picking up the pieces. I am not the same person I was before Brian died, both good and bad.

Tye came home from school the other day with a picture he drew of our family.  We were all 5 there.  I was happy to see that, and just said that I loved the picture. He said...I still drew Daddy because he is still my family. For a split second I had the urge to rip it out of his hands and just destroy the picture. Another part of me wanted to just rip Brian out of it.  Instead, I hung it on the fridge.

So do I feel guilty? Not right now. Just angry that it feels like our family was destroyed, that Brian was ripped from us.  I read blogs of lots of other widows who do not still seem to be in this funk after this much time.  I know there is no timeframe. Sometimes I seriously think it is because I want to just stay where I am.  I have a friend who lost her husband, and will be remarrying in the next month.  What a blessing it is for her to have a second chance at happiness for her and her son.  But me? I had a 2nd chance already, and that was the beautiful thing about my love for Brian and his for me. It was real, it was unconditional, and it was forever.

I am still wearing my wedding rings.  I have tried to take them off, and so far it just upsets me.  I am a planner and a thinker, and I have yet to convince myself the benefit or purpose of taking them off.  I figure those who think I should be "over" losing Brian already think that anyway, regardless of what I do with my rings.  So far nothing has compelled me to want to take them off. I might not ever take them off.  Or I might for a while, then put them back on. But what does it mean if I do or if I don't?  Am I caught in the past, or do I get to feel like I am still married to him if I want to? 

They called about coaching Tye's soccer team, either me or my husband. It reminded me of a widow's blog I read once that she said she signed her son up for soccer, and in the father's name section she wrote deceased.  Always before, she wasn't sure what to do, but she finally just decided that he is indeed dead, and she would just go ahead and make it known so they wouldn't call her husband to see if he could coach, and then she also wouldn't have to do any explaining.  This was a big soccer organization.  Then when the list of teams came out, it listed the child's name, then the mom and dad's names similar to this...Deceased and Jenni Halley.  Seriously?

I have been very overwhelmed lately.  I have finally admitted to myself that I simply can't do this alone and  have things be the way I want them to be.  My house is in disarray, and I am distraught. So I decided to start taking one room at a time. It is hard to leave the other rooms and have them seem messy or cluttered, or not even a mess but just need some attention.  But I do have to say that it seems to be helping, and I am feeling more productive than I have in a while. 

Getting back into a routine has helped, although writing on this blog this late at night is not helping.  I am sleeping in on Saturday because I figure my time is limited.  Soccer will be starting, and my lazy morning days are few and far between.'

Well, I accomplished what I started with writing this.  My eyes are super sleepy, and I did get in a little cry that I must have needed...which is also adding to my eyes feeling tired.  Better take advantage and get to sleep.

1st Day of School 2010

3 Great Kids start another school year!

Rachel is 13 1/2 and in 8th grade.

Amberlea is 10 1/2 and in 5th grade.
Tye is 6 1/2 and in 1st grade.
Jenni is 30-something and still in 6th grade!

Here is a picture of Amberlea with her teacher, Mrs. Hall.  I have both girls on either side of me this year!  The other pictures are saved on my computer at school, so I will try to email those home tomorrow and post them tomorrow night.

August 3rd, 1972 and 1952

On the same day, 20 years apart, two amazing people came into this world.  My mom loved and supported me from my own first moments of life, through my childhood and teen years, through my first marriage and a rough divorce, through the births of my 3 children, and into my wonderful life with Brian.  She was there when I fell in love with Brian, and I always thought it was so ironic that they shared a birthday.  My mom thought the world of Brian, and it wasn't just because of the joy and love he brought into my life. They always enjoyed each other.  I miss my mom so much, and especially when Brian was so sick.  I needed her.  But in hindsight, I am somewhat thankful that she didn't have to be here to watch him suffer, and that she was there waiting for him when he went to Heaven.  Two lives, cut too short, yet such blessings to me.

Happy 38th birthday to my wonderful and amazing husband, and happy 58th to the best mom in the world.