Holiday Thoughts

Well, this Christmas vacation has proven to be a much needed break! I am really enjoying my time with the kids and doing our own thing, although I'm not sure we are accomplishing a whole lot.

This was the first Christmas since losing Brian that I did not have that hole in the pit of my stomach feeling. 2008 and 2009 just seemed a blur, and were very difficult to enjoy without Brian.  I KNOW that Brian would want us to be happy and to enjoy each moment. It has just taken some getting used to on my part, to be happy without him.

I am also carrying a lot of guilt where these 3 great kids are involved. My hopes and dreams and aspirations of being a certain kind of mother have been shattered.  Much has been out of my control, but I look back and know that I got to an unhealthy place in my grieving, and I stayed there way too long. I was spinning my wheels, and in turn, missing out on a whole lot. 

I have prayed so much that Brian would help give me the strength to begin to feel better.  Slowly, things are starting to change.  The most difficult part for me is knowing that some of it can never change. No matter what I do right now, the thought of keeping up with a fulltime and very demanding job, chasing 3 kids and meeting their social, emotional and physical needs and wants is so overwhelming.  I say so often that I am not Super Woman, but frankly, I don't even think she could keep up with this.  I am trying to let some things go, to worry less and pray more.

It's a start. And it has helped me to really enjoy my time off with the kids. And for that, I am thankful.