Reflections on Life as I Know It

Life as I know it today will change completely tomorrow. I am gaining a stepmother, as well as a younger stepbrother. My dad is getting married. And as much as I want to be happy, I can't help thinking that this is all happening because my mom is dead. Life wasn't supposed to be like this.

The last few night have been hard for me to get to sleep. I crashed last night around 2:30 a.m. after finishing another coat of paint (more later), and then I couldn't sleep. My mind was racing. I am super excited to be in my parents' home now, to have the same address as they did, and actually the same address as my grandparents, whose house was on this land before this house. Yet, last night all I could think as I laid in bed was this was the room where my mom died. As crazy as it sounds, it almost felt as if this home betrayed her...my mind was thinking...THIS is where it all changed! This is where the nightmare started, the one that I can't seem to wake up from.

Parents die. It is supposed to be like that. I sometimes wonder what it is I expected to be able to do about it. I guess I expected God to let her grow old with my dad. I expected my kids to grow up with her at their ballgames, and for my nieces and nephews to know her also. I expected my parents to travel and enjoy the time after the kids leave home. I expected so much more than life has given me.

So am I ungrateful? I feel so guilty to be ticked that I was robbed, when I am so blessed with my children and the rest of my family. I want to call my mom and talk to her. I want to change to be more like her. I learned so much that I want to build on from her, and also things I want to do differently. She would freak out about Rachel having a boyfriend, while I, on the other hand, am just going with the flow, laying down the rules and keeping the lines of communication open (not that I'm not a little freaked out). Even so, I am literally sick that I can't talk to her about this.

I have mixed feelings. My feelings aren't really what matters. I don't have a choice in any of it, and I supposed I am glad of that because I have a hard enough time keeping my own life in order, let alone making decisions about others. I will tell you, it feels as if tomorrow will be as hard to watch my dad marry someone else (only because my mom is dead) as it was to see her lying dead on a table in the E. R. that night. It is something I am not sure I will ever be ready for, or used to. My mind can't wrap itself around being with someone for 30+ years and losing them, and then even wanting to be with someone else besides them. I am at a completely different place in my life after Brian's death, but even today, almost 27 months later, he is still all I want. Yes, my kids are still young, and I'm not alone; but my mind sees no desire for anything but Brian.

I'm not judging my dad or anyone else really. I have come to realize each person is different and each person handles their grief in a way that fits them best. Still, I find it harder for me to really understand my dad when I feel about Brian the way I do. We never really took care of any of my mom's things. One day her clothes were there, and then they were gone. We did look through some pictures last week, which was the first time since the day she died.

Yesterday, Tye asked me...where are Daddy's clothes. I was caught off guard. I felt sad that I had taken them from my closeet, that Tye didn't have the chance to see them. I still have them. I said...I have them in some boxes, and I was going to give some of them to people who might need clothes, and then make a quilt with some other ones. He responded...can I wear them?

My heart sunk. The poor child is grasping at a connection with his daddy. Then before I could respond, he said...where are his clothes when he was a little boy? I told him we will have to ask Grandma, but they are probably old and she gave them away a long time ago like I give away his clothes.

I intend this summer to go through more of Brian's things, and to pack away a lot for Tye to decide what to do with. I thought I would sort things, and I still will to a point. But I want Tye to have that chance when he is older. Maybe it is my stretch in trying to be sure Brian's existence is real, that he was here, and he had these interests etc.

So my dad's wedding comes almost without doing anything with my mom's things. I told my dad I hope someone takes care of my things when I die. I dug into my own personal box of cards from when my mom died, and reread about a dozen. It seems different to read now, almost like my head is more clear and I can take in what it really means. I can't even seem to begin to sort those types of things from Brian because it just hurts too bad.

I have started painting at my house. It is looking a lot different. I will take pictures sometime when it is finished.

Anyway, thanks for listening. Say some prayers that the Heflin kids survive tomorrow.