Sweet Grammie

Over the past several years, I have had to stop myself to even grieve for the loss of my own mother, so young...losing her was awful in itself, so sudden...yet compounded by how much love and support she had given me through my divorce, and then again during Brian's illness. Her death came out of nowhere, and I was land blasted, to say the least. I threw myself into trying to care for Brian, and any glimpse at grief for my mom was even worse because I so desperately needed to be held up. I remember crying my eyes out one day, and I couldn't remember if I was crying because my mom was dead or because Brian was dying. The two started to become interchanged some. My counselor finally told me I had to deal with them both together because they both happened together. Even so, I still am not completely sure I have followed a healthy grieving process for either of them.

Something happened tonight that made my heart flutter. It was odd. It was special. I was tucking Rachel in, and she said...have you ever noticed the smell of that closet. I was like, what? I walked toward her closet and she said...no, the other one. Before I could turn to get to her other closet (yes, she has 2 closets because her room used to be 2 small rooms)...she said...no, that other closet. She jumped out of bed and led me into the family room, then leaned into the small closet, which is where I keep blankets (it is just a small closet under the steps). She dug around and kept leaning in smelling. She said...do you smell that? I am sniffing around and thinking, um, no.

She back out of the closet and said...I can't smell it now either, but something in there smells like Grammie...I don't know what it is, but I can smell it.

My heart skipped a beat. I think mostly I was so happy that if something indeed does smell like my mom in there, she actually noticed and remembered. It is amazing, how our senses are connected to our memory. She went on to her room and I tucked her in. I've been in the closet 3 times now, digging around to see what is in there and basically just sniffing around! I don't smell anything. I kept thinking maybe something that reminded her of her house, or her perfume. So far, I can't find it.

I hope I do. But for now, I am just so happy that Rachel did.