Life is So Unpredictable

The phone rang this morning at 6:45. I shot out of bed. I have never gotten used to being awaken by the phone. A phone call in the wee morning hours of a day in April 2006 changed my life forever. My mom was dead. Gone. No warning, no goodbye, no do over's. I have said since then, I have lost my innocence. My mind seems to always wander to the worst case scenarios. Someone who is a few minutes late, someone who won't answer their phone, someone who is traveling. And then add the worry of Brian's situation, and I seem to often think the worst. It is something I have to fight because it can consume a person. Even thinking clearly and being rational goes out the window sometimes.

And when I realized the time that the phone was ringing, my mind...my heart...all thought...what happened? My brain automatically causes my heart to sink as I stumbled to the phone.

And I was right. It was my dad calling to let me know that a very close friend of my mom's lost her husband unexpectedly yesterday. His wife was a bridesmaid and he was a groomsman in my parents' wedding. On their honeymoon, he and his wife came to Clovis, NM to see me as a brand new baby, which means their anniversary is sometime right around now and they have been married 37 years. (My 37th birthday was on Monday).

It seems so different to relive my own tragedy in my mind when I hear of others. My empathy level is so different because I've been there, I've done that, I've felt the feelings of sudden loss, of how things in life are going along just great and BAM! And I am saddened by their loss, and the loss of what is to come.

As a motherless mother, it is a reminder to me that today is a gift, and tomorrow is not promised to any of us.

My prayers today are for peace for the whole Crites family, and comfort in the memories of Ron.

Decisions, Decisions

I have struggled with indecisiveness for several years now. It is one of those things that came along in the midst of Brian's illness, and it never has completely gone away. I blame the countless hours upon hours I spent mulling over treatments for him and trying to learn more about melanoma. The decisions we had to make were beyond any level of difficulty I had ever experienced or that I could ever really fully describe. The consequences of most every decision involved pain and suffering, both physically and mentally. And literally the thought of death loomed in the background. Rarely do people deal with decisions that can result in death, or that are designed to stop death. I guess we do all have the decisions like wearing a seatbelt or smoking or walking home alone in the dark that we do consider a grim ending to. But beyond that, even the most difficult decisions involving relationships and life changes like jobs and babies still aren't usually at the level of having death waved in front of you.

So somewhere along the line, I quit making some decisions. I could have cared less what was for dinner because the other decisions were taking up my brain energy. And where there was space to make considerations, I found my head full of other worries. How will these decisions affect our children? How are the kids doing in school? So what color to paint a room or which car to buy or whether I want a new hairdo somehow became trivial.

And it has been hard to get past that. I wouldn't say I just don't give a crap. I do. It is just that I have found in the years of dealing with his illness and death, and being subjected to crazy decisions like what type of casket, what kind of flowers, what to bury him in, and so on, have somehow made other things seem less important. But what I have found is that it isn't a matter of just making a decision without thinking, but instead I find myself overthinking and overanalyzing basically everything.

The paint colors in my living room and dining room liked to have killed me. I lost sleep over this, for God's sake, a lot of sleep. Or what to do about Rachel's bedroom, or lack of bedroom. Somehow I let the time tick because I just couldn't make a decision. The mere thought of picking out carpet is stressing me out.

And this whole vacation thing has been a personal struggle. I have lost sleep over this too. Where can we go that feels like a vacation for all of us? Where we can be safe? And Rachel isn't loaded down with the responsibility of being an adult figure? Where will we stay, what will we do? How will I handle driving alone?

It has been a slow process. It took me a few months to even convince myself where we should go. Rachel and I went to a day long trip to Branson back in May, and afterwards chatted about how we thought it would all work if we attempted it. She and I both feel comfortable that we can do this, so we are going for it. Then came the where and when. What type of lodging? What activities are we going to do? And why do I always have to make all these decisions? So I talked to the kids and asked them what sounded fun, and we are going from there. I finally booked a Best Western today, and even all day today I was wavering back and forth on the when. It was a nightmare. I felt overwhelmingly reluctant to commit to anything. I think part of me was worried about something coming up. The other part of me was worried that I hadn't found the best deal, and also worried that it wouldn't be just perfect. Some of me was ticked that I couldn't just make a decision. I was needing someone to say THIS is when you should go.

I consider myself very capable of doing all this. So why is it that I just sometimes want someone else to do it? I know I can drive all the way to Branson by myself, but that is not the point.

I suppose it is a common widow thing, the overwhelming feeling of being stuck doing everything. It has nothing to do with capability, but everything to do with missing your companion on the journey of life. I think back to our last Branson vacation. Tye was 6 months old, which made Rachel 7 1/2 and Amberlea 4 1/2. I'm pretty sure I made all the reservations. But I had someone to bounce ideas off of. We decided together which was the perfect time to go. So some of my indecisiveness is just not wanting to be the one deciding all the time.

But I did feel a sense of accomplishment today once it was all done. I have already made some decisions about what we are doing specifically because I don't want to get down there and be doing the whole...what do you guys want to do, and them saying I don't know, and me being overwhelmed. I have even scoped out some places to eat, and I'm thinking of assigning kids to each day, or something fun that they each get to and are assigned to decide. Or we might decide together before we go. I figure that will help.

So I'm feeling less stress tonight. I am glad because I was starting to think maybe we shouldn't even do a vacation because the planning in and of itself was causing me too much angst. I sat tonight and thought out some other ideas on how to make things run smoothly, including planning WAYYYY ahead about what needs packed so I don't feel like I'm going to explode getting 4 people ready to go on vacation. The girls can both be a lot of help, so hopefully we can do it together.

I figure something must be going right because I am already really excited about it all. We are just going in 14 days...nothing like totally putting off making a decision until it was too late...literally, because I finally decided yesterday what I wanted to do, and the placed was booked solid until mid-Aug. I filed that away in the back of my mind, thinking that when we return to Branson another time someday, I will already know what it is I want to do and where.

It feels like I am on the right track to a great family time. I don't want to feel like I need a vacation after my vacation, and so far it is feeling good. I'm thinking I need to get myself together about this decision-making stuff, and it seems that thinking out a plan ahead of time on how to make the decisions is helping. I like to be spontaneous, though, and that is hard, especially when I want to be responsible and safe.

It also feels like the hard part is over, so I'm hoping it is smooth sailing for now, and a fun vacation in the future! I'll let you know.

Thanks

Thanks to everyone for supporting me through one of the toughest days of my life. I was just browsing through the history on my sitemeter, and it is great to see you all on there. Your support and encouragement has sustained me, and I can't thank you enough for being there for me when it really matters. Thanks for the emails and chats on facebook, and for just helping me get past one of the most difficult times of my life.

I Survived!

I survived my dad's wedding.

I wasn't sure I would make it through the morning. I got up in more than plenty of time, but I just couldn't stop crying. Once I finally got it all together, I went as planned to take flowers from my backyard to put on my mom's grave on the way out of town. Then the tears started again, and I was mad because I already had my makeup all done!

I almost got it together by the time I picked up the girls, and Rachel brought me a whole role of toilet paper to help me with the runny nose and watery eyes. They were bloodshot at midway, but good to go by the time I got to St. Joe.

The wedding was outside on the porch of a bed and breakfast. Dad and Martha both looked very nice...really everyone looked nice. They started the ceremony by remembering those who have gone before. Dad took a bright pink rose and said...in memory of Ann Heflin...and then put it in a big vase, and so my tears were starting again. The rest of the roses were off-white, Martha took one and said the same for her sister Marcy. Then dad did one in memory of Brian, and I lost it. I probably looked like I was at a funeral. I wanted to shout out, I have been crying all day! It is kind of like when you have the flu, that once you have thrown up already 3 or 4 times that day, it happens so easily! Bad comparison, but you get my point. Then Martha and Dad switched off, also honoring my dad's parents, my mom's parents who just loved my dad, Martha's parents and grandparents. I didn't expect my mom to be mentioned at my dad's wedding, and I guess it does say a lot about how Martha has accepted that my mom was a great love of my dad's life.

The reception was really nice, and Dad was right, the food was delicious. They had a nice spread, and it was good to have a variety that the kids also liked. We had a funny moment during the reception when Martha told Tori that Devin was her new cousin. (Devin is Martha's only child, and now my younger stepbrother). Everyone was like, huh? And then there was a discussion, and someone said...he's her uncle! He seemed pretty surprised to realize he was an uncle now. Then Tori said...so when he has kids they will be my cousins...and Devin was SUPER surprised! I reminded him that there are 8 of them, and Karis said she would make him a list of uncle duties. It was a good laugh, and it was nice to just enjoy the moment.

Reflections on Life as I Know It

Life as I know it today will change completely tomorrow. I am gaining a stepmother, as well as a younger stepbrother. My dad is getting married. And as much as I want to be happy, I can't help thinking that this is all happening because my mom is dead. Life wasn't supposed to be like this.

The last few night have been hard for me to get to sleep. I crashed last night around 2:30 a.m. after finishing another coat of paint (more later), and then I couldn't sleep. My mind was racing. I am super excited to be in my parents' home now, to have the same address as they did, and actually the same address as my grandparents, whose house was on this land before this house. Yet, last night all I could think as I laid in bed was this was the room where my mom died. As crazy as it sounds, it almost felt as if this home betrayed her...my mind was thinking...THIS is where it all changed! This is where the nightmare started, the one that I can't seem to wake up from.

Parents die. It is supposed to be like that. I sometimes wonder what it is I expected to be able to do about it. I guess I expected God to let her grow old with my dad. I expected my kids to grow up with her at their ballgames, and for my nieces and nephews to know her also. I expected my parents to travel and enjoy the time after the kids leave home. I expected so much more than life has given me.

So am I ungrateful? I feel so guilty to be ticked that I was robbed, when I am so blessed with my children and the rest of my family. I want to call my mom and talk to her. I want to change to be more like her. I learned so much that I want to build on from her, and also things I want to do differently. She would freak out about Rachel having a boyfriend, while I, on the other hand, am just going with the flow, laying down the rules and keeping the lines of communication open (not that I'm not a little freaked out). Even so, I am literally sick that I can't talk to her about this.

I have mixed feelings. My feelings aren't really what matters. I don't have a choice in any of it, and I supposed I am glad of that because I have a hard enough time keeping my own life in order, let alone making decisions about others. I will tell you, it feels as if tomorrow will be as hard to watch my dad marry someone else (only because my mom is dead) as it was to see her lying dead on a table in the E. R. that night. It is something I am not sure I will ever be ready for, or used to. My mind can't wrap itself around being with someone for 30+ years and losing them, and then even wanting to be with someone else besides them. I am at a completely different place in my life after Brian's death, but even today, almost 27 months later, he is still all I want. Yes, my kids are still young, and I'm not alone; but my mind sees no desire for anything but Brian.

I'm not judging my dad or anyone else really. I have come to realize each person is different and each person handles their grief in a way that fits them best. Still, I find it harder for me to really understand my dad when I feel about Brian the way I do. We never really took care of any of my mom's things. One day her clothes were there, and then they were gone. We did look through some pictures last week, which was the first time since the day she died.

Yesterday, Tye asked me...where are Daddy's clothes. I was caught off guard. I felt sad that I had taken them from my closeet, that Tye didn't have the chance to see them. I still have them. I said...I have them in some boxes, and I was going to give some of them to people who might need clothes, and then make a quilt with some other ones. He responded...can I wear them?

My heart sunk. The poor child is grasping at a connection with his daddy. Then before I could respond, he said...where are his clothes when he was a little boy? I told him we will have to ask Grandma, but they are probably old and she gave them away a long time ago like I give away his clothes.

I intend this summer to go through more of Brian's things, and to pack away a lot for Tye to decide what to do with. I thought I would sort things, and I still will to a point. But I want Tye to have that chance when he is older. Maybe it is my stretch in trying to be sure Brian's existence is real, that he was here, and he had these interests etc.

So my dad's wedding comes almost without doing anything with my mom's things. I told my dad I hope someone takes care of my things when I die. I dug into my own personal box of cards from when my mom died, and reread about a dozen. It seems different to read now, almost like my head is more clear and I can take in what it really means. I can't even seem to begin to sort those types of things from Brian because it just hurts too bad.

I have started painting at my house. It is looking a lot different. I will take pictures sometime when it is finished.

Anyway, thanks for listening. Say some prayers that the Heflin kids survive tomorrow.

Just as Busy!

Since my last post, things have not let up. In fact, things are even crazier than before. My dad has moved the big items, and most everything else is taken care of. We decided to go through some of my mom's things later in the summer, so those things are staying. I painted Amberlea's room hot pink on 3 walls, and lime green on the other wall. As of right now, if you go in the room, you will look a shade of pink or green. So I am anxious to get all the decor and bedding in there, and I know it will look nice. Tye's room is done (thanks to Karis). It is Royals blue on the bottom and gray on the top. The gray is a little darker than I wanted. I went back and had white added twice, and it is better. It isn't terribly dark, and will look nice, but I still think it is darker than I had invisioned. The only thing left in there is a chair rail, which will get taken care of in the midst of Rachel's room being built. Which is another thing...I am getting bids for her room and trying not to spend a fortune on a bedroom for a 13 year-old!

I've been meeting myself coming and going for about 10 days now. I shouldn't even be writing on here because I need to pack, or sleep. I am super excited about moving and being at the same address where my mom grew up, where my grandparents were for so many years, where I played as a child, and where my mom and dad lived when she died.

My dad took a full load in the pick-up tonight, along with the trailer. And yet, it doesn't look like anything is missing really! Sheesh! He took the bikes and play toys, deck furniture and mowers. I am very anxious to just be done with all the shifting. Even if I'm not all the way unpacked, that will come this summer. I just want to get this house cleared out.

I don't know the buyers, but it sounds like they are really excited to move in. I even got some mail for them already today, even though we don't close until Monday.

I will post pictures of the new rooms when I have the chance, hopefully soon.

Super Busy...Quick Update

Super Duper Busy

House sold! Praise God! Closing on May 3rd. Moving Dad out hopefully on the 24th and us in on May 1. Whew!

Painted Amberlea's room today. I believe the colors were yellow lettuce and pink singe (aka lime green and hot pink). Wow! The pink is a bit darker than I thought I wanted, but it is really what Amberlea wanted, so it will be perfect. One wall is green, the other are pink. At least her room will be ready to go. I will post pictures when she is all settled.

While I was painting the lime green, Tye came in and said...is this Rachel's room?

No, it's Amberlea's.

I thought it was going to be Rachel's.

No, we are building Rachel a room.

Oh.

(Silence, kind of in awe of the green)...I really don't think Papa is going to like you painting this wall this color.

I'm buying the house, remember? It won't be Papa's house anymore.

Oh, ok. But...will he still be our Papa?