Fritos and Tea from Mai Tye

My little boy is most definitely, without any doubt (as if there was any), unmistakeably and unequivocally Brian Halley's son. He can turn on the charm at a moments notice. He seems to be quite the ladies man lately, comforting the ladies in preschool and doing little sweet nothings for his Mama.

I've had a rough day today. I would say I don't know why, but I do. It is the same old excuse, and I know in my heart that it will never go away. The events of the past 10 days have seemingly caught up with me. I feel emotionally exhausted. I am way beyond ready for school to get over with for the year, mostly just for my own sanity. I've had my game face on for so long, and this year has been good. I'm just ready for a break. The busyness of the last month can make a teacher crazy, yet it helps the year move right along. At least I will most definitely feel productive!

So I felt stressed today, and often times stress sets off a bought of the weepies...or as Grandma Eickholt would say, a case of the whim whams. Sure enough, today was one of those days. Days like this are interesting lately, as my emotions wane from high to low. My afternoon was good, getting ready for our school pancake breakfast this Sunday...yet when I got in the van, I felt like crying. This almost makes me feel even more crazy, the inconsistency. At least I didn't feel crumby for the entire day.

Tye could see me crying. What is wrong with you? Are you sick? No, I replied, I just feel like crying.

Sigh...I'll take care of you Mom! Do you have a headache?

Yeah, I do (which was a lot of it).

Then the feeling seemed to pass, and the evening was going ok. Pretty soon, Tye showed up with a tray in hand. He had filled a fancy teacup with water and told me it was tea. Then he had a paper plate filled with chili cheese fritos. And he was just as proud as a peacock! He said, I hope this makes you feel better!

Now tonight, while I was on the phone with my dad, Tye wrote on Zep with a watercolor marker. He's got his own Tye tattoo. I would take a picture, but I don't want you all to judge me for animal abuse. No animals were hurt during this phone call, and Zep is as happy as a clam that he is inside playing with Tye. They have been working on "tricks" and things all evening, and then the blue apparently was yet another creative expression of the great Tye.

Speaking of which...tonight at Hy-Vee, there was a sign above the bakery that said "Mai Tye". He caught his name on the sign and just thought that was totally hilarious. He asked me what it said, and I replied...Mai Tye.

He laughed and said...what!? It says Jenni's Tye?

Now that is a laugh out loud moment.

Real Downer

I seriously sometimes just want to go home and crawl in bed.

I took Tye to a swim clinic this morning. This is the first year they have done one, in anticipation for the swim team season. I was excited because I have always thought they needed to "get the bugs out" before the season starts. Amberlea's first year was crazy. She swam only a few feet on the first day of practice, but 4 days later at an intrasqad meet, she swam across without any help! So I was hopeful for Tye.

He is the same age as Rachel and Amberlea were when they started swim team, considering all my kids are born in February. The girls both swam during the summer before kindergarten.

So it is time for Tye.

And I knew. And I get so tired of it, having the "my dad is dead and my mom is so swamped that she didn't take me swimming very much over the past few summers so I can't swim yet" excuse. They didn't have to tell me, I could see that he is not ready. I am ticked. Not at Tye or at the coaches, by any means. They were great with him, and he was a great listener today, did his best and was full of enthusiasm.

I'm having a pity party right now. I am pissed that Tye's little boy years were stolen from me. Others helped take care of him, thank God, but I was busy taking care of Brian. Very rarely do I have regrets, but today I do. Clearly Tye's lack of exposure to the water has made all the difference. Rachel and Amberlea were both little fishies, but I had them in the water early and often. Tye on the other hand...not so much. I get so freaking tired of things always being because of Brian's illness, because he was suffering, we all suffered. And continue to suffer.

I HATE MELANOMA!

I know he will be fine. I will get him to the pool a lot this summer, and he'll do swim lessons again. I am going to attempt to get him in the water several times over the next 6 weeks to see if there is any progress, but I'm not holding my breath. I know it is actually pretty early to be putting him on swim team, considering he just turned 5. But I can't excuse that when the girls were the exact same age.

Just another thing I missed. It is a letdown, to think I have half killed myself over the last few years trying to keep up, and in this case, it didn't matter. I am selfish too, as I really wanted him on swim team this year because I knew how much he would love it, I knew how much he would improve, and I didn't want to deal with him wanting to be in the water so bad at swim meets and not be able to.

Well, there's my venting. I would say I feel better, but I don't. I just feel like I let him down. This will maybe be Rachel's last summer, and at least they could have all been on together.

Not Getting Any Easier

I keep thinking it will get easier. So far it hasn't. I think it will. I'm actually sure it will.

Today was another "no Daddy" event. I am sure there are plenty of Dads out there who skip conferences because they are too busy, or seriously because they are really too busy and their schedules don't work. Tye's Daddy would never have missed. He looked forward to helping Tye and watching him grow.

But he missed today's conference, just like he missed the one last spring and last fall. And like the ones he will miss next year, and the next and the next.

Sigh.

And like the kindergarten night he missed. And Tye's first tee ball practice. I'm not ignoring the fact that I believe Brian is always with us.

I made it through conferences. I am very pleased with Tye's progress this year, especially considering what he has been through. We are blessed to have such great teachers and such a wonderful school to nurture and love Tye (and the girls too), and to help him adjust and deal with the heartbreaks of what life has become for us.

Maybe it IS actually getting easier. I didn't feel like crying before going into the conference. I didn't feel like I couldn't breathe during the conference. I didn't feel competely like I would throw up afterwards. But when I walked down the hill to pick Tye up from after school, he glanced up at me with that Brian Halley smile, and that was it. It took me a little to get it together before pulling out of the parking lot.

I guess I should rethink my title because there was a time that I would not have been able to sit through a conference. It amazes me how the little things hurt. Like getting a packet from school adressed to Jenni Halley, no Brian. My checks still have both of our names on them, simply because I am cheap and don't want to waste perfectly good checks. But I am going to be making some changes with my banking needs, and will be reorganizing checking accts., and it will soon be time for new checks.

Checks with just my name on them.

Single parenthood stinks. I don't know what is worse, being a single parent because the other parent chose to leave, or because the other parent was taken. I've basically had both, and they are both difficult to deal with. I remember being so sad after my divorce, more because it was the death of a dream. I always say, I never played divorced Barbie, or single Mom Barbie, so I didn't know what that might feel like. The same thing goes with Cancer Ken and Widow Barbie. My mind had never rehearsed what life would be like in those scenarios. I like to consider myself pretty resilient, just in the fact that I still get out of bed every day.

But losing Brian was different. He WANTED the life we had. He begged God to keep him here. He cried many tears for the memories he knew we would not have together. And that is a life I want back too. Which means widowhood just compounds the problem of single parenting all the more. After my divorce, I didn't look back. I promised myself I would have no regrets because I knew I had loved Tim, and I was so very thankful for Rachel and Amberlea. And I just chose to move forward with whatever knowledge I gained, and the gift of two great, amazing, beautiful daughters. Everyday I long for Brian, for my life back, for a glimpse of the happiness I felt with him. I cry sometimes because I know he wanted to stay. So when I see Tye, I am just overwhelmingly devastated that his future with Brian was stolen from us. I don't pity Tye. I don't know what the feeling is. Mostly that life is unfair, and this small child got a dose of those way too early in life.

I told his teacher today I am mostly relieved that he is such a happy child. He is ornery and loving and smart and funny and whitty. Sounds like another Halley boy I love...

Happy Easter 2009

I wanted to wish you a Happy Easter 2009! I also wanted to update the blog with a picture of the blog-titled "3gr8kidz"...a.k.a. Rachel, Amberlea and Tye. Here is a snap of them after Mass this morning. That ornery smile on Tye's face is basically before the sugar high! (oh, and after he had just jumped on Amberlea).

I handled the morning ok. The girls were with their dad, so when we woke, it was just Tye and me. I reminded him that the Easter Bunny probably came. He jumped out of bed and snuck into the living room (as if EB was still there!). Then he said...WHOA! Holy moly.

Then a pause.

Then...Holy moly moly.

I guess it ranks pretty high to get two molies! Ha!

Then when we were getting ready for church, he seemed to be shocked at how well I clean up! He stopped in his tracks and said...wow, Mom. You look, um, fansome.

Fansome?

Yeah, fansome?

I said...well thank you. Usually you tell a guy he looks handsome or a girl she looks fancy or beautiful or something.

You look fancy Mom! And then he hugged me tight.

I said...your dad always told me he thought I looked nice. He was a good husband.

Tye said...did he tell you that you look beautiful?

Yeah, he did, and I miss that.

Then he said...he was a good daddy too.

Sigh...had to redo some eye makeup over that one, but otherwise we made it to church on time!

We had a busy day, then had an egg hunt at Dad's, followed by dinner. Then I took the girls and Tori to Hannah Montana and TJ and Dad took Tye, Zeke and Don to Monsters vs. Aliens. It was a lot of fun! We're looking forward to a nice day off tomorrow. Tye starts tee ball practice tomorrow, and he is very excited (to say the least). I have to get my taxes done in the morning, which I am not very excited about (to say the least).

Please pray for so many who need our prayers...my brother-in-law (Adam)'s grandma Lucille had a stroke this morning and is paralyzed on the left side. I am sure today was a nerve racking day for him, and I appreciate your prayers for Grandma Cille.

Hope your home is filled with Easter blessings.

Incriminating Evidence, Charges Pending

I had a busy weekend. I cooked on both Saturday and Sunday. I love to cook actually, but just haven't for so long that it has taken me a lot to get back into it. I have a hard time cooking for a smaller crowd now, and often times, no energy to do so. My sisters and I have talked off and on about doing a cooking cooperative, and make like 6 lasagnas (one for each of us for now, and one for each of us for the freezer). So I had time this weekend and planned it all out. I was crazy and chose too many recipes, but it was still a success. We found it to be pretty darn cheap too. I just made a list of things I was making and took orders from Karis, Erin and my dad, and went from there. Here's what we made...

one 9x13, four 8x8 of Tator Tot Casserole

nine batches of Sloppy Joes

8 loaves of Meatloaf

two 9x13, five 8x8 of Chicken Enchiladas

one 9x13, six 8x8 of Cheesy Mostaccioli

one 9x13, six 8x8 of Sicilian Pasta

one 9x13, six 8x8 of Beef Enchilada Casserole.

.

I still have the ingredients to make bulk Cheesy Potatoes and Parmesan Broccoli Balls, but I ran out of steam...and also shredded cheese. So that will happen this week. I have quite a stock in the freezer for the coming months, and Erin and Karis both stocked up too. My dad should be set and not have to cook again for quite a while!

.

Thoughts...next time I'm choosing no more than 4 recipes. And I also found it to be a lot more fun to have my sisters and Adam there to cook, and a lot more efficient. Having the meat cooked ahead of time really helped too!

.

So what evidence, you are wondering? Well, all in all, Tye got along great while we were cooking. He and Zeke played, and then Tori and Don were here for a while too. Just as they were leaving, Tye came in and said...look at the picture I made you! He was holding a marker from the marker board in the downstairs bedroom. He excitedly led me in to this...

.

YES ,THIS IS ON A WALL AND NOT A MARKER BOARD!

AND YES, THAT IS MY NAME WITH A SMILEY FACE BESIDE IT!

A magic eraser helped him clean up the crime scene, and other than a little bit of marker on a closet door that didn't come completely off, all is well.

Until...

We were eating supper tonight. I was chatting with him and thought, hmm, his hair looks different. Then I flipped up the front and said...did you cut your hair?

Yep.

What!? When?

In the computer room (he was on the computer for a few minutes this afternoon before everyone showed up to cook). There are 2 chunks missing, not real noticeable, as in you probably wouldn't hardly be able to tell if I took a picture and put it on here...but nonetheless, I could tell.

Sigh...

Today Tye and Amberlea had their first soccer games. I was freezing my buns off at Amberlea's, so Tye and I sat in the van and watched. She had a great game. Then Tye's game was all but normal. By noon it was starting to rain, or maybe not, or maybe...it was windy and freezing, but I toughed it out in a chair, covered with a blanket.

The boys were running back to the sidelines to see the coach. They were all really excited, and Tye is just Mr. Enthusiasm. He said...Bingo! Then he tapped his coach and said...hey coach, do you know what bingo means? The coach said...no, what? Tye replied...it means we rock!

Then later in the game they were in a huddle waiting for the game to start again. He looked over at me and gave me a thumbs up. I responded with a thumbs up too. Then he told his coach...hey coach, can you wait just a minute? And he came running off the field towards me, grabbed my head and planted a big smooch right on my cheek.

Ahhh...

The game got a little crazy. The field where Tye was playing is in the midst of other fields. The west end goal is basically at the top of a hill, so if the ball misses the goal, it rolls all the way down the hill to the lower fields. Usually in all the other games I've seen at that field, someone just runs after it and comes right back up. Not today. Someone from the other team dove after it and rolled down the hill, and then a few other boys joined him. By the end of the game, if the ball rolled down the hill, every kid from both teams took a dive off the hill and rolled down. At one point there was only one kid left standing on the field, along with three coaches who were just looking around like, what is happening?! The other 15 kids had taken a joy ride down the hill. Tye was so much like Brian...he waited to join until the majority had joined! Ha! The first few times, Tye was looking down the hill like, you guys are totally going to be in trouble. Then once he looked at me like, are they supposed to be doing that?

I love to watch little boy soccer! They are a hoot.

Miss Megan from afterschool came to babysit tonight at Erin and TJ's, and the three of us went to Air Rock. That brought back some great memories of a time in my life when things were much simpler! It was fun to have some time out with adults!

I've been doing some cooking this weekend, trying to get some things in the freezer. I have totally destroyed my kitchen, and I don't feel like taking care of it right now, so that is what I will have to wake up to. Hopefully, I'll have time to do some reading on Eclipse (3rd Twilight book). Right now I'm just going to sign off and hopefully get some zzz's!