Real Downer

I seriously sometimes just want to go home and crawl in bed.

I took Tye to a swim clinic this morning. This is the first year they have done one, in anticipation for the swim team season. I was excited because I have always thought they needed to "get the bugs out" before the season starts. Amberlea's first year was crazy. She swam only a few feet on the first day of practice, but 4 days later at an intrasqad meet, she swam across without any help! So I was hopeful for Tye.

He is the same age as Rachel and Amberlea were when they started swim team, considering all my kids are born in February. The girls both swam during the summer before kindergarten.

So it is time for Tye.

And I knew. And I get so tired of it, having the "my dad is dead and my mom is so swamped that she didn't take me swimming very much over the past few summers so I can't swim yet" excuse. They didn't have to tell me, I could see that he is not ready. I am ticked. Not at Tye or at the coaches, by any means. They were great with him, and he was a great listener today, did his best and was full of enthusiasm.

I'm having a pity party right now. I am pissed that Tye's little boy years were stolen from me. Others helped take care of him, thank God, but I was busy taking care of Brian. Very rarely do I have regrets, but today I do. Clearly Tye's lack of exposure to the water has made all the difference. Rachel and Amberlea were both little fishies, but I had them in the water early and often. Tye on the other hand...not so much. I get so freaking tired of things always being because of Brian's illness, because he was suffering, we all suffered. And continue to suffer.

I HATE MELANOMA!

I know he will be fine. I will get him to the pool a lot this summer, and he'll do swim lessons again. I am going to attempt to get him in the water several times over the next 6 weeks to see if there is any progress, but I'm not holding my breath. I know it is actually pretty early to be putting him on swim team, considering he just turned 5. But I can't excuse that when the girls were the exact same age.

Just another thing I missed. It is a letdown, to think I have half killed myself over the last few years trying to keep up, and in this case, it didn't matter. I am selfish too, as I really wanted him on swim team this year because I knew how much he would love it, I knew how much he would improve, and I didn't want to deal with him wanting to be in the water so bad at swim meets and not be able to.

Well, there's my venting. I would say I feel better, but I don't. I just feel like I let him down. This will maybe be Rachel's last summer, and at least they could have all been on together.