Not Getting Any Easier

I keep thinking it will get easier. So far it hasn't. I think it will. I'm actually sure it will.

Today was another "no Daddy" event. I am sure there are plenty of Dads out there who skip conferences because they are too busy, or seriously because they are really too busy and their schedules don't work. Tye's Daddy would never have missed. He looked forward to helping Tye and watching him grow.

But he missed today's conference, just like he missed the one last spring and last fall. And like the ones he will miss next year, and the next and the next.

Sigh.

And like the kindergarten night he missed. And Tye's first tee ball practice. I'm not ignoring the fact that I believe Brian is always with us.

I made it through conferences. I am very pleased with Tye's progress this year, especially considering what he has been through. We are blessed to have such great teachers and such a wonderful school to nurture and love Tye (and the girls too), and to help him adjust and deal with the heartbreaks of what life has become for us.

Maybe it IS actually getting easier. I didn't feel like crying before going into the conference. I didn't feel like I couldn't breathe during the conference. I didn't feel competely like I would throw up afterwards. But when I walked down the hill to pick Tye up from after school, he glanced up at me with that Brian Halley smile, and that was it. It took me a little to get it together before pulling out of the parking lot.

I guess I should rethink my title because there was a time that I would not have been able to sit through a conference. It amazes me how the little things hurt. Like getting a packet from school adressed to Jenni Halley, no Brian. My checks still have both of our names on them, simply because I am cheap and don't want to waste perfectly good checks. But I am going to be making some changes with my banking needs, and will be reorganizing checking accts., and it will soon be time for new checks.

Checks with just my name on them.

Single parenthood stinks. I don't know what is worse, being a single parent because the other parent chose to leave, or because the other parent was taken. I've basically had both, and they are both difficult to deal with. I remember being so sad after my divorce, more because it was the death of a dream. I always say, I never played divorced Barbie, or single Mom Barbie, so I didn't know what that might feel like. The same thing goes with Cancer Ken and Widow Barbie. My mind had never rehearsed what life would be like in those scenarios. I like to consider myself pretty resilient, just in the fact that I still get out of bed every day.

But losing Brian was different. He WANTED the life we had. He begged God to keep him here. He cried many tears for the memories he knew we would not have together. And that is a life I want back too. Which means widowhood just compounds the problem of single parenting all the more. After my divorce, I didn't look back. I promised myself I would have no regrets because I knew I had loved Tim, and I was so very thankful for Rachel and Amberlea. And I just chose to move forward with whatever knowledge I gained, and the gift of two great, amazing, beautiful daughters. Everyday I long for Brian, for my life back, for a glimpse of the happiness I felt with him. I cry sometimes because I know he wanted to stay. So when I see Tye, I am just overwhelmingly devastated that his future with Brian was stolen from us. I don't pity Tye. I don't know what the feeling is. Mostly that life is unfair, and this small child got a dose of those way too early in life.

I told his teacher today I am mostly relieved that he is such a happy child. He is ornery and loving and smart and funny and whitty. Sounds like another Halley boy I love...