Happy New Year 2010!

I am so very thankful for my children.  What a blessing they are in my life!  I am looking ahead to the coming year with the hope that my life can take a different focus.  The grief seems to weigh so heavily on my heart, and no amount of time that has passed has eased the pain.  Have I gotten used to things? For the most part.  There are things I will never be used to.

Like crawling in bed alone.

Or coming home to an empty house.

Or never hearing the sweet I love you's in my ear.

But I have reflected on so much over the last year, and the sadness is slowly being replaced by happiness again.  I have to admit, some of it is forced.  But that is ok, because for all the forced smiles, some have started to come on their own.  I know it is what Brian would want.

And I am waiting for someone to come back that is never coming back.  I am waiting for happiness, the happiness I had with Brian.  And it is gone.  The memories bring such pain, but also some semblence of that happiness, and for that I am thankful.

2010 will bring so much.  My dad is getting married, so our family is changing yet again.  Whoever thought we were in control of anything in our lives really? Life is ever-changing, and I can only hope to grow with life and not get lost in those changes.  I will be moving, as I am buying my parents' house.  I am very excited about this, and hope it might bring some peace in my grief of my mom.  I never truly grieved for her because my life was so busy trying to save my dying husband.  My emotions wouldn't allow me to do both, and so my grief for her was put on hold.  Now, as my dad is getting married, I find myself going through some emotions that are long overdue.  I am so thankful that I have the means to buy their house, and I can thank Brian for taking such good care of me and the kids for that.  Ironic, no doubt, that he has to be dead for me to be able to afford to live in my dead mother's house.  It is yet another way that he has taken care of things for me, so it is bittersweet.

I am joining the community center again.  It is past time for me to take better care of myself.  I have always been greatly affected by my emotions, and I really had to have them in check to even be able to attempt to lose some weight.  I am hopeful that this year will find me healthier and more energetic, which in turn will make my life less stressful and more enjoyable.

I am baffled by the fact that another year has passed.  I don't have a lot to show for that year, other than survival.  I am getting kind of tired of just surviving life.  I hope I can draw strength from Brian and my mom, as they both had so much life left to live in them, and I want that for myself too.

Deep breath.