Holiday Thoughts

Well, this Christmas vacation has proven to be a much needed break! I am really enjoying my time with the kids and doing our own thing, although I'm not sure we are accomplishing a whole lot.

This was the first Christmas since losing Brian that I did not have that hole in the pit of my stomach feeling. 2008 and 2009 just seemed a blur, and were very difficult to enjoy without Brian.  I KNOW that Brian would want us to be happy and to enjoy each moment. It has just taken some getting used to on my part, to be happy without him.

I am also carrying a lot of guilt where these 3 great kids are involved. My hopes and dreams and aspirations of being a certain kind of mother have been shattered.  Much has been out of my control, but I look back and know that I got to an unhealthy place in my grieving, and I stayed there way too long. I was spinning my wheels, and in turn, missing out on a whole lot. 

I have prayed so much that Brian would help give me the strength to begin to feel better.  Slowly, things are starting to change.  The most difficult part for me is knowing that some of it can never change. No matter what I do right now, the thought of keeping up with a fulltime and very demanding job, chasing 3 kids and meeting their social, emotional and physical needs and wants is so overwhelming.  I say so often that I am not Super Woman, but frankly, I don't even think she could keep up with this.  I am trying to let some things go, to worry less and pray more.

It's a start. And it has helped me to really enjoy my time off with the kids. And for that, I am thankful.

Here I Am...

Here I am, wondering how August is over and we are well on our way into September.  The calendar is full, and I have yet to figure out just how it is that I have had sooooo many meetings lately, and more scheduled for this week.  What can there possibly be to talk about? But I digress. 

Rachel is super busy with volleyball, but she really does love it! I am excited for her games, starting on Sept. 23.  The season is going to go so fast and we'll be right on to basketball.  She is also on student council, and then of course her social life keeps her hopping too.

Amberlea has made the transition downstairs to 5th grade.  Actually this year I have Amberlea in the classroom on one side of me, and Rachel on the other side.  I love getting to see them different times throughout the day.  Rachel seems to visit me the most, and even my class gets a laugh out of her popping in.  Anyway, Amberlea is in band this year.  She started off playing alto sax like Rachel, and like me (I played tenor sax for 8 years).  I tried to talk both of them into something else.  I didn't really have a choice on what I was going to play as a kid, just that my mom had a tenor sax and that was mine to use.  Yet Rachel still went with the sax.  The Amberlea decided that she couldn't play any of the rest of them, although the few days that she played the sax I heard an awful lot of honking noises! She plays the piano and has decided to do percussion instead.  She is really excited about this, and I am hoping the two will go hand-in-hand.

Tye is loving 1st grade.  His teacher is very structured, and that is really good for him.  He is growing and changing so much, and loves to read.

We went on Friday night back to Unionville to watch our cousin Dallas play football.  He is a senior, so he was in the game the whole time, and that made it even more fun.  Tye loved it, and I hope we can get back to see him again.  I figured we better go now before things get really crazy!  The girls and I stayed until midday and then headed home so they could go to a BBQ with their dad.  Tye stayed for the weekend and spent the night in the camper with Uncle Todd and Aunt Jamie and Trace and Katie.  He spent all day today helping Papa work on the farm.  I will go to Bethany to get him sometime tomorrow afternoon.  He loves being there and spending time with them, and so do I.

I went to Dad and Martha's tonight for dinner, then I went to see Going the Distance with Karis.  I personally thought it was really funny and had some laugh-out-loud moments.  And it wasn't overly sad either, which I don't need.  Then Karis and I went and got Erin and Jacob and went to Applebee's for drinks and appetizers.  We really enjoyed our visit, and it felt good to spend time with them.

So there's the update.  Not much going on, just trying to settle in a routine and keep my head from spinning!

Ugh...

I can't sleep. Again.  I am on my 3rd night in a row that I h ave been up past midnight.  Thought tonight I would get on the computer and hope my eyes get sleepy really quick!  I was tired last night and was heading to bed when I could hear Tye. He was sound asleep and whimpering about Daddy.  I jostled him a little and it stopped.  Then it started again with full blown wailing.  He cried and cried, and I got him awake enough that I kind of think he was crying about Daddy, and then crying because he was crying...  He kept saying I WANT MY DADDY over and over.

It was an awful moment. Because these are the things I can't fix.  He essentially cried himself to sleep because he wasn't awake enough to wake all the way up, and his sobbing wore him out pretty fast.

And then there is no rest for the weary. No amt. of being tired could get me to settle in last night, so I stayed up until I finally crashed.

A few weeks ago he crawled in bed with me one morning around 5am, just sobbing like crazy.  I said what is wrong? He said...I can't remember what Daddy's face looks like. Oh my gosh it was probably the worst moment I have had.  I couldn't sleep again.  He was fine the next day, and I cried for 3 days straight. Even now, writing it down, I feel overwhelmed with grief.  Tye does have a few pictures of Daddy in his room, but I immediately put up the professional pictures we had taken of Brian and Tye together, and I am hoping to have all the other family pictures up over the Labor Day weekend. 

It just makes me feel like I have failed in helping him grieve.  And I have, in a sense.  We mostly grieve when I am feeling it.  I don't keep him from doing anything like talking about it or going to the cemetery or anything.  But so much of it is taken from what I am feeling, what I bring up to him, what I share.  I have yet to share any videos of Brian with Tye. And I will be honest to say that I am scared to.  I didn't used to be scared, I wanted to.  But I just couldn't yet.  Now enough time has passed that I can't bear to see him suffering, like in the video of the kids' birthday party just before Brian died.

It seems odd to me.  I would have thought I would want to actually hear his voice and see his expressions.  And it isn't because I don't want to.  I think it is because it just hurts too bad.  The pain is not gone, not even close, and it is hard to want to sit down and watch any videos or look at pictures that will make that feel even worse.  So then Tye misses out, because if it isn't me doing it, who is it?

Sometimes I am so mad.  Why am I crying about this?  Why can't I get it through my head that this is how it is? He's gone.  And sometimes I wonder if the pictures and videos are the next step for me, that I need to find a way to face those and get through them, to share them, to cry and laugh and experience that.

This is where I wish so much I had a support group to attend. I am just out here in the midst of my life with essentially no one who can really know what this feels like.  I find myself being able to endure the pain of losing my husband more than I can face the fact that my child is without his father. It is the saddest thing to be a part of, and I am deeply angry that this precious child and my wonderful and amazing husband could not be together.  I resent what cancer did to our family because we are still picking up the pieces. I am not the same person I was before Brian died, both good and bad.

Tye came home from school the other day with a picture he drew of our family.  We were all 5 there.  I was happy to see that, and just said that I loved the picture. He said...I still drew Daddy because he is still my family. For a split second I had the urge to rip it out of his hands and just destroy the picture. Another part of me wanted to just rip Brian out of it.  Instead, I hung it on the fridge.

So do I feel guilty? Not right now. Just angry that it feels like our family was destroyed, that Brian was ripped from us.  I read blogs of lots of other widows who do not still seem to be in this funk after this much time.  I know there is no timeframe. Sometimes I seriously think it is because I want to just stay where I am.  I have a friend who lost her husband, and will be remarrying in the next month.  What a blessing it is for her to have a second chance at happiness for her and her son.  But me? I had a 2nd chance already, and that was the beautiful thing about my love for Brian and his for me. It was real, it was unconditional, and it was forever.

I am still wearing my wedding rings.  I have tried to take them off, and so far it just upsets me.  I am a planner and a thinker, and I have yet to convince myself the benefit or purpose of taking them off.  I figure those who think I should be "over" losing Brian already think that anyway, regardless of what I do with my rings.  So far nothing has compelled me to want to take them off. I might not ever take them off.  Or I might for a while, then put them back on. But what does it mean if I do or if I don't?  Am I caught in the past, or do I get to feel like I am still married to him if I want to? 

They called about coaching Tye's soccer team, either me or my husband. It reminded me of a widow's blog I read once that she said she signed her son up for soccer, and in the father's name section she wrote deceased.  Always before, she wasn't sure what to do, but she finally just decided that he is indeed dead, and she would just go ahead and make it known so they wouldn't call her husband to see if he could coach, and then she also wouldn't have to do any explaining.  This was a big soccer organization.  Then when the list of teams came out, it listed the child's name, then the mom and dad's names similar to this...Deceased and Jenni Halley.  Seriously?

I have been very overwhelmed lately.  I have finally admitted to myself that I simply can't do this alone and  have things be the way I want them to be.  My house is in disarray, and I am distraught. So I decided to start taking one room at a time. It is hard to leave the other rooms and have them seem messy or cluttered, or not even a mess but just need some attention.  But I do have to say that it seems to be helping, and I am feeling more productive than I have in a while. 

Getting back into a routine has helped, although writing on this blog this late at night is not helping.  I am sleeping in on Saturday because I figure my time is limited.  Soccer will be starting, and my lazy morning days are few and far between.'

Well, I accomplished what I started with writing this.  My eyes are super sleepy, and I did get in a little cry that I must have needed...which is also adding to my eyes feeling tired.  Better take advantage and get to sleep.

1st Day of School 2010

3 Great Kids start another school year!

Rachel is 13 1/2 and in 8th grade.

Amberlea is 10 1/2 and in 5th grade.
Tye is 6 1/2 and in 1st grade.
Jenni is 30-something and still in 6th grade!

Here is a picture of Amberlea with her teacher, Mrs. Hall.  I have both girls on either side of me this year!  The other pictures are saved on my computer at school, so I will try to email those home tomorrow and post them tomorrow night.

August 3rd, 1972 and 1952

On the same day, 20 years apart, two amazing people came into this world.  My mom loved and supported me from my own first moments of life, through my childhood and teen years, through my first marriage and a rough divorce, through the births of my 3 children, and into my wonderful life with Brian.  She was there when I fell in love with Brian, and I always thought it was so ironic that they shared a birthday.  My mom thought the world of Brian, and it wasn't just because of the joy and love he brought into my life. They always enjoyed each other.  I miss my mom so much, and especially when Brian was so sick.  I needed her.  But in hindsight, I am somewhat thankful that she didn't have to be here to watch him suffer, and that she was there waiting for him when he went to Heaven.  Two lives, cut too short, yet such blessings to me.

Happy 38th birthday to my wonderful and amazing husband, and happy 58th to the best mom in the world.

Life is So Unpredictable

The phone rang this morning at 6:45. I shot out of bed. I have never gotten used to being awaken by the phone. A phone call in the wee morning hours of a day in April 2006 changed my life forever. My mom was dead. Gone. No warning, no goodbye, no do over's. I have said since then, I have lost my innocence. My mind seems to always wander to the worst case scenarios. Someone who is a few minutes late, someone who won't answer their phone, someone who is traveling. And then add the worry of Brian's situation, and I seem to often think the worst. It is something I have to fight because it can consume a person. Even thinking clearly and being rational goes out the window sometimes.

And when I realized the time that the phone was ringing, my mind...my heart...all thought...what happened? My brain automatically causes my heart to sink as I stumbled to the phone.

And I was right. It was my dad calling to let me know that a very close friend of my mom's lost her husband unexpectedly yesterday. His wife was a bridesmaid and he was a groomsman in my parents' wedding. On their honeymoon, he and his wife came to Clovis, NM to see me as a brand new baby, which means their anniversary is sometime right around now and they have been married 37 years. (My 37th birthday was on Monday).

It seems so different to relive my own tragedy in my mind when I hear of others. My empathy level is so different because I've been there, I've done that, I've felt the feelings of sudden loss, of how things in life are going along just great and BAM! And I am saddened by their loss, and the loss of what is to come.

As a motherless mother, it is a reminder to me that today is a gift, and tomorrow is not promised to any of us.

My prayers today are for peace for the whole Crites family, and comfort in the memories of Ron.

Decisions, Decisions

I have struggled with indecisiveness for several years now. It is one of those things that came along in the midst of Brian's illness, and it never has completely gone away. I blame the countless hours upon hours I spent mulling over treatments for him and trying to learn more about melanoma. The decisions we had to make were beyond any level of difficulty I had ever experienced or that I could ever really fully describe. The consequences of most every decision involved pain and suffering, both physically and mentally. And literally the thought of death loomed in the background. Rarely do people deal with decisions that can result in death, or that are designed to stop death. I guess we do all have the decisions like wearing a seatbelt or smoking or walking home alone in the dark that we do consider a grim ending to. But beyond that, even the most difficult decisions involving relationships and life changes like jobs and babies still aren't usually at the level of having death waved in front of you.

So somewhere along the line, I quit making some decisions. I could have cared less what was for dinner because the other decisions were taking up my brain energy. And where there was space to make considerations, I found my head full of other worries. How will these decisions affect our children? How are the kids doing in school? So what color to paint a room or which car to buy or whether I want a new hairdo somehow became trivial.

And it has been hard to get past that. I wouldn't say I just don't give a crap. I do. It is just that I have found in the years of dealing with his illness and death, and being subjected to crazy decisions like what type of casket, what kind of flowers, what to bury him in, and so on, have somehow made other things seem less important. But what I have found is that it isn't a matter of just making a decision without thinking, but instead I find myself overthinking and overanalyzing basically everything.

The paint colors in my living room and dining room liked to have killed me. I lost sleep over this, for God's sake, a lot of sleep. Or what to do about Rachel's bedroom, or lack of bedroom. Somehow I let the time tick because I just couldn't make a decision. The mere thought of picking out carpet is stressing me out.

And this whole vacation thing has been a personal struggle. I have lost sleep over this too. Where can we go that feels like a vacation for all of us? Where we can be safe? And Rachel isn't loaded down with the responsibility of being an adult figure? Where will we stay, what will we do? How will I handle driving alone?

It has been a slow process. It took me a few months to even convince myself where we should go. Rachel and I went to a day long trip to Branson back in May, and afterwards chatted about how we thought it would all work if we attempted it. She and I both feel comfortable that we can do this, so we are going for it. Then came the where and when. What type of lodging? What activities are we going to do? And why do I always have to make all these decisions? So I talked to the kids and asked them what sounded fun, and we are going from there. I finally booked a Best Western today, and even all day today I was wavering back and forth on the when. It was a nightmare. I felt overwhelmingly reluctant to commit to anything. I think part of me was worried about something coming up. The other part of me was worried that I hadn't found the best deal, and also worried that it wouldn't be just perfect. Some of me was ticked that I couldn't just make a decision. I was needing someone to say THIS is when you should go.

I consider myself very capable of doing all this. So why is it that I just sometimes want someone else to do it? I know I can drive all the way to Branson by myself, but that is not the point.

I suppose it is a common widow thing, the overwhelming feeling of being stuck doing everything. It has nothing to do with capability, but everything to do with missing your companion on the journey of life. I think back to our last Branson vacation. Tye was 6 months old, which made Rachel 7 1/2 and Amberlea 4 1/2. I'm pretty sure I made all the reservations. But I had someone to bounce ideas off of. We decided together which was the perfect time to go. So some of my indecisiveness is just not wanting to be the one deciding all the time.

But I did feel a sense of accomplishment today once it was all done. I have already made some decisions about what we are doing specifically because I don't want to get down there and be doing the whole...what do you guys want to do, and them saying I don't know, and me being overwhelmed. I have even scoped out some places to eat, and I'm thinking of assigning kids to each day, or something fun that they each get to and are assigned to decide. Or we might decide together before we go. I figure that will help.

So I'm feeling less stress tonight. I am glad because I was starting to think maybe we shouldn't even do a vacation because the planning in and of itself was causing me too much angst. I sat tonight and thought out some other ideas on how to make things run smoothly, including planning WAYYYY ahead about what needs packed so I don't feel like I'm going to explode getting 4 people ready to go on vacation. The girls can both be a lot of help, so hopefully we can do it together.

I figure something must be going right because I am already really excited about it all. We are just going in 14 days...nothing like totally putting off making a decision until it was too late...literally, because I finally decided yesterday what I wanted to do, and the placed was booked solid until mid-Aug. I filed that away in the back of my mind, thinking that when we return to Branson another time someday, I will already know what it is I want to do and where.

It feels like I am on the right track to a great family time. I don't want to feel like I need a vacation after my vacation, and so far it is feeling good. I'm thinking I need to get myself together about this decision-making stuff, and it seems that thinking out a plan ahead of time on how to make the decisions is helping. I like to be spontaneous, though, and that is hard, especially when I want to be responsible and safe.

It also feels like the hard part is over, so I'm hoping it is smooth sailing for now, and a fun vacation in the future! I'll let you know.

Thanks

Thanks to everyone for supporting me through one of the toughest days of my life. I was just browsing through the history on my sitemeter, and it is great to see you all on there. Your support and encouragement has sustained me, and I can't thank you enough for being there for me when it really matters. Thanks for the emails and chats on facebook, and for just helping me get past one of the most difficult times of my life.

I Survived!

I survived my dad's wedding.

I wasn't sure I would make it through the morning. I got up in more than plenty of time, but I just couldn't stop crying. Once I finally got it all together, I went as planned to take flowers from my backyard to put on my mom's grave on the way out of town. Then the tears started again, and I was mad because I already had my makeup all done!

I almost got it together by the time I picked up the girls, and Rachel brought me a whole role of toilet paper to help me with the runny nose and watery eyes. They were bloodshot at midway, but good to go by the time I got to St. Joe.

The wedding was outside on the porch of a bed and breakfast. Dad and Martha both looked very nice...really everyone looked nice. They started the ceremony by remembering those who have gone before. Dad took a bright pink rose and said...in memory of Ann Heflin...and then put it in a big vase, and so my tears were starting again. The rest of the roses were off-white, Martha took one and said the same for her sister Marcy. Then dad did one in memory of Brian, and I lost it. I probably looked like I was at a funeral. I wanted to shout out, I have been crying all day! It is kind of like when you have the flu, that once you have thrown up already 3 or 4 times that day, it happens so easily! Bad comparison, but you get my point. Then Martha and Dad switched off, also honoring my dad's parents, my mom's parents who just loved my dad, Martha's parents and grandparents. I didn't expect my mom to be mentioned at my dad's wedding, and I guess it does say a lot about how Martha has accepted that my mom was a great love of my dad's life.

The reception was really nice, and Dad was right, the food was delicious. They had a nice spread, and it was good to have a variety that the kids also liked. We had a funny moment during the reception when Martha told Tori that Devin was her new cousin. (Devin is Martha's only child, and now my younger stepbrother). Everyone was like, huh? And then there was a discussion, and someone said...he's her uncle! He seemed pretty surprised to realize he was an uncle now. Then Tori said...so when he has kids they will be my cousins...and Devin was SUPER surprised! I reminded him that there are 8 of them, and Karis said she would make him a list of uncle duties. It was a good laugh, and it was nice to just enjoy the moment.

Reflections on Life as I Know It

Life as I know it today will change completely tomorrow. I am gaining a stepmother, as well as a younger stepbrother. My dad is getting married. And as much as I want to be happy, I can't help thinking that this is all happening because my mom is dead. Life wasn't supposed to be like this.

The last few night have been hard for me to get to sleep. I crashed last night around 2:30 a.m. after finishing another coat of paint (more later), and then I couldn't sleep. My mind was racing. I am super excited to be in my parents' home now, to have the same address as they did, and actually the same address as my grandparents, whose house was on this land before this house. Yet, last night all I could think as I laid in bed was this was the room where my mom died. As crazy as it sounds, it almost felt as if this home betrayed her...my mind was thinking...THIS is where it all changed! This is where the nightmare started, the one that I can't seem to wake up from.

Parents die. It is supposed to be like that. I sometimes wonder what it is I expected to be able to do about it. I guess I expected God to let her grow old with my dad. I expected my kids to grow up with her at their ballgames, and for my nieces and nephews to know her also. I expected my parents to travel and enjoy the time after the kids leave home. I expected so much more than life has given me.

So am I ungrateful? I feel so guilty to be ticked that I was robbed, when I am so blessed with my children and the rest of my family. I want to call my mom and talk to her. I want to change to be more like her. I learned so much that I want to build on from her, and also things I want to do differently. She would freak out about Rachel having a boyfriend, while I, on the other hand, am just going with the flow, laying down the rules and keeping the lines of communication open (not that I'm not a little freaked out). Even so, I am literally sick that I can't talk to her about this.

I have mixed feelings. My feelings aren't really what matters. I don't have a choice in any of it, and I supposed I am glad of that because I have a hard enough time keeping my own life in order, let alone making decisions about others. I will tell you, it feels as if tomorrow will be as hard to watch my dad marry someone else (only because my mom is dead) as it was to see her lying dead on a table in the E. R. that night. It is something I am not sure I will ever be ready for, or used to. My mind can't wrap itself around being with someone for 30+ years and losing them, and then even wanting to be with someone else besides them. I am at a completely different place in my life after Brian's death, but even today, almost 27 months later, he is still all I want. Yes, my kids are still young, and I'm not alone; but my mind sees no desire for anything but Brian.

I'm not judging my dad or anyone else really. I have come to realize each person is different and each person handles their grief in a way that fits them best. Still, I find it harder for me to really understand my dad when I feel about Brian the way I do. We never really took care of any of my mom's things. One day her clothes were there, and then they were gone. We did look through some pictures last week, which was the first time since the day she died.

Yesterday, Tye asked me...where are Daddy's clothes. I was caught off guard. I felt sad that I had taken them from my closeet, that Tye didn't have the chance to see them. I still have them. I said...I have them in some boxes, and I was going to give some of them to people who might need clothes, and then make a quilt with some other ones. He responded...can I wear them?

My heart sunk. The poor child is grasping at a connection with his daddy. Then before I could respond, he said...where are his clothes when he was a little boy? I told him we will have to ask Grandma, but they are probably old and she gave them away a long time ago like I give away his clothes.

I intend this summer to go through more of Brian's things, and to pack away a lot for Tye to decide what to do with. I thought I would sort things, and I still will to a point. But I want Tye to have that chance when he is older. Maybe it is my stretch in trying to be sure Brian's existence is real, that he was here, and he had these interests etc.

So my dad's wedding comes almost without doing anything with my mom's things. I told my dad I hope someone takes care of my things when I die. I dug into my own personal box of cards from when my mom died, and reread about a dozen. It seems different to read now, almost like my head is more clear and I can take in what it really means. I can't even seem to begin to sort those types of things from Brian because it just hurts too bad.

I have started painting at my house. It is looking a lot different. I will take pictures sometime when it is finished.

Anyway, thanks for listening. Say some prayers that the Heflin kids survive tomorrow.

Just as Busy!

Since my last post, things have not let up. In fact, things are even crazier than before. My dad has moved the big items, and most everything else is taken care of. We decided to go through some of my mom's things later in the summer, so those things are staying. I painted Amberlea's room hot pink on 3 walls, and lime green on the other wall. As of right now, if you go in the room, you will look a shade of pink or green. So I am anxious to get all the decor and bedding in there, and I know it will look nice. Tye's room is done (thanks to Karis). It is Royals blue on the bottom and gray on the top. The gray is a little darker than I wanted. I went back and had white added twice, and it is better. It isn't terribly dark, and will look nice, but I still think it is darker than I had invisioned. The only thing left in there is a chair rail, which will get taken care of in the midst of Rachel's room being built. Which is another thing...I am getting bids for her room and trying not to spend a fortune on a bedroom for a 13 year-old!

I've been meeting myself coming and going for about 10 days now. I shouldn't even be writing on here because I need to pack, or sleep. I am super excited about moving and being at the same address where my mom grew up, where my grandparents were for so many years, where I played as a child, and where my mom and dad lived when she died.

My dad took a full load in the pick-up tonight, along with the trailer. And yet, it doesn't look like anything is missing really! Sheesh! He took the bikes and play toys, deck furniture and mowers. I am very anxious to just be done with all the shifting. Even if I'm not all the way unpacked, that will come this summer. I just want to get this house cleared out.

I don't know the buyers, but it sounds like they are really excited to move in. I even got some mail for them already today, even though we don't close until Monday.

I will post pictures of the new rooms when I have the chance, hopefully soon.

Super Busy...Quick Update

Super Duper Busy

House sold! Praise God! Closing on May 3rd. Moving Dad out hopefully on the 24th and us in on May 1. Whew!

Painted Amberlea's room today. I believe the colors were yellow lettuce and pink singe (aka lime green and hot pink). Wow! The pink is a bit darker than I thought I wanted, but it is really what Amberlea wanted, so it will be perfect. One wall is green, the other are pink. At least her room will be ready to go. I will post pictures when she is all settled.

While I was painting the lime green, Tye came in and said...is this Rachel's room?

No, it's Amberlea's.

I thought it was going to be Rachel's.

No, we are building Rachel a room.

Oh.

(Silence, kind of in awe of the green)...I really don't think Papa is going to like you painting this wall this color.

I'm buying the house, remember? It won't be Papa's house anymore.

Oh, ok. But...will he still be our Papa?

Just Gettin' Our Groove On!

Today was a great day for Amberlea's birthday, and we had lots of fun. I will post pictures of all the birthdays later, but I just had to get some of this video up to see.

I got Amberlea the Wii Just Dance game.

It was a hit, and we all got in some major exercise after school. We even got Papa Paul involved in the Eye of the Tiger, which was a full aerobic workout! I forgot to charge up the Wii remotes, so we couldn't all dance at the same time at the beginning.

Below is one of Amberlea's first attempts.

Then Tye gets his groove on! (Rachel refused to dance infront of the camera).

And I couldn't resist showing another one!

Dance off is coming soon!

My Sweet Amberlea

It has been a loooonnnnggg wait for my sweet Amberlea.  While all 3 kids have birthdays in February, poor Amberlea's is last.  Finally today is the day!  She is not too happy that she was born at 9:46pm because she told me today that means she only gets 2 hours and 14 minutes for her birthday!  Then she asked about basically everyone I could think of, wanting to know the time of day they were born.  Pretty much everyone was born earlier in the day than that! Ha!

I would be lying if I completely sugar coated the story of Amberlea's birth.  So I will just preface this story and say that if it doesn't seem as glamorous and exciting as Rachel's birth, that has nothing to do with Amberlea.  It has everything to do with the fact that things were not good between Tim and me, and frankly a lot of Amberlea's birth was a blur because I was just trying to survive what was happening in my marriage.  On top of that, my Grandma Eickholt, who I was very close to, died suddenly when Amberlea was 9 days old.  So all of that time in my life just ran together.  Anyway, there are a lot of things I don't want to share, but I'll do my best to share with you the joy this child brought to my life.

So here goes...

I had a miscarriage in November 1998.  The pregnancy was a complete surprise, especially considering that it took almost 9 months to get pregnant with Rachel.  We had about enough time to share our excitement before I lost the baby.  We started trying again after Christmas, and when I found out I was pregnant in June, we were pleasantly surprised to find out we were due in February again, this time on Feb. 29.

I could copy and paste some of Rachel's birth story here because once again, I didn't go into labor the way I thought I would.  I had things set for a sub at the end of the month, but on Feb. 9 when I went to my appointment, she told me I better get things ready because I was already at a 3. My sub was quite surprised too, and we had to have a fast meeting over the weekend to make sure things were set.  I was scheduled for my next appointment a week later on Feb. 16.

On Valentine's Day, I made homemade pizza, and we spent a nice evening together.  I had a lot of contractions, enough that we were counting and thinking this was going to be it.  But just when they started getting closer together, then they started spreading apart again and eventuall stopped.  I thought sure I would have to call Tim to come home from work that night.  But the night came and went, and so did the next day.

We scheduled the basketball pizza party for Feb. 16 (when I still coached), and so I stayed after school for that.  I had a 4:30 appointment, so I came home to get Tim.  By then he was working nights at Eveready, so he had just gotten up.  I had a pizza from the party, and he ate it on the way to the appointment.  I will say that I was feeling a little funny all day, no contractions, no real pains, just an odd feeling.  So when she checked me and I was between a 6 and 7, she kind of freaked out and told me to go straight to the hospital.  At this point there were no contractions, and she was concerned that my water would break and boom, there would be a baby.  We had to get Rachel where she needed to go, so we ran to the sitter's and then took her to my parents' house.  I just never thought it would happen the same way again, just being checked into the hospital because I was dialated so far.  I guess I should have been more prepared.  When we arrived at the hospital, it was nearly 6pm, and my doctor was actually there waiting for me.  I barely was checked in and she just went ahead and broke my water.  When you are dialated to 7 (by this point), there for sure is no going back.  They barely got me on the monitor when my contractions started up.

As I said before, Amberlea was by far my most difficult labor, yet the shortest.  I was having contractions by 6:30pm and she was born at 9:46pm.  When I started pushing, I remember being so surprised that it was over so fast.  Thank God because the pain was way worse than with Rachel.  And my pain after having her was way worse too.  I barely had any pain after Rachel, and with Amberlea I was doubled over in pain.

So back to Amberlea.  I thought she was a boy.  I didn't hope she was a boy.  I didn't have any way of knowing.  I just thought.  I was very surprised when the doctor told us it was a girl!  I was super excited to use her name.  Tim and I chose Rachel really soon after I found out I was pregnant with her.  Finding names for Amberlea was very difficult.  Our relationship had greatly deteriorated since he started working at Eveready, and we didn't spend much time doing anything to get ready for this baby.  I am thankful that Tim put up the crib and helped get the baby's room ready over Christmas break.  How we came about Amberlea's name is kind of by accident.  When I was pregnant with Rachel, Tim said he didn't want any names that started with A since our last name started with an A.  With Amberlea, I was at a loss on what to name her.  I wanted something unique and beautiful.  Rachel's boy name Ryan Timothy evolved into Cole Timothy for this pregnancy.  Early in the fall before her birth, we were out for dinner at A&G and there was a girl there named Amberlee (I think that is how it was spelled).  I just asked Tim if he liked the name, and he just replied yes.

Then a few weeks later I brought up baby names, and out of the blue he said...what about that name Amberlee, how would we spell it?  I hadn't thought about it again, and I was excited and surprised that he was interested in it.  I said...I'm not sure about that.  I liked Amberleigh, kind of.

Tim and I had used sentimental names for Rachel's middle name JoAnn after my mom Ann, and my grandpa Joe.  Tim's middle name came from his grandpa, and we still wanted to have something like that for this baby.  The next thing we knew, we had concocted Amberlea Jean Elizabeth.  Amberlea pronounced like Kimberly, with no emphasis on the lea part, as in it is not two separate names like Amber LEE.  I know that sounds funny, but we fight that even now.  We also agreed NOT to call her Amber, and that has stuck.  If anyone calls her that, we just politely correct them, the same as someone who is called Jennifer and someone calls her Jenni but she never goes by that, or Steve when his name is Steven. The LEE became LEA from my sister Karis Lea Ann.  And no, Amberlea is not Amber LEE A, or Amber LEAH.  I checked the phonetic makeup of her name before we named her, and we are correct in pronouncing Amberlea with just the LEE sound at the end. I have argued it, believe me.  Amberlea started out as Amberlea Elizabeth (my other sister Erin's middle name), but then I didn't want to leave out Tim's sister.  So we started experimenting with her name, Tammy Jean, and hoped we could find a way to fit Jean in.  I tried hyphenating, putting the Jean first and then last, everything.  I was concerned because Karis had 2 middle initials, and I knew that the 2nd one is rarely recognized, so she is usually Karis L.  I finally figured there was no way to avoid this, and knew that anything that really mattered would allow her to be Amberlea J. E. Sure enough, she gets just the J. quite often, but anytime I am asked for a middle initial, I always put both.

Tim and I were very proud to name our baby girl after our 3 sisters.  We were also very thankful there were just 3 sisters so she didn't have a massive last name.  She already ended up with over 1/2 of the alphabet in her name!

We were also very excited that she had hair! Black hair!  Not the full head of hair, but hair, nonetheless, as opposed to Rachel's bald head!  I figured Amberlea would end up with blonde hair, but so far after 10 years, it is still dark brown.  She weighed 7lbs. 6oz. and I think she was 19 3/4 in.  She was a very good baby, and I would not have survived my life falling apart in the coming months if it wouldn't have been for her. 

Tim left on Mother's Day weekend when Amberlea was just shy of 12 weeks.  I was nursing her, and this blessing helped me keep my head on straight.  God had a purpose for Amberlea, and in the midst of my marriage falling apart, I was reminded that Rachel and Amberlea both were products of a deep love in my heart. This baby needed me to keep it together, and I was determined to love and nurture her.  It was a rough time in our lives, and I often wonder if that is where Amberlea's temperment came from, the fact that things were so stressful during my pregnancy and also during the early months of her life.  She was full of laughter and smiles, and Tim and I are still blessed by her sense of humor, her uniqueness, and her creativity.  She teases me that she can never find pencils or other things with her name on them, and I should have known better.  I am the oldest, and my parents followed a 1973 very common name of Jennifer with a little sister named Karis, who also never found any pencils with her name on them!  We have had many compliments on Amberlea's name, and her name just seems to fit her personality.  Once when I was coaching, the team we were playing had an Amberlee. When the coach yelled her name, I was shocked because it is the only time I've heard her name used!

So how do I end this.  I read back over it, and it feels like so much is missing.  I want to say that while things were indeed falling apart with Tim and me, this was a very special time for us, and one we will both always cherish.  She came into our lives at seemingly a rough time, but brought so many blessings and warmed our hearts.   Her big sister was quite smitten with her, and I am thankful everyday for having Amberlea in my life. I used to think that Amberlea missed out on so much, she was robbed of some basic things that should have happened in her life as a baby...then other times I think that those material things and anything I think she might have missed don't matter because what really matters is that Tim and I love her very much, and we have since we found out she was on the way, and especially the moment we laid eyes on her.

Allergies Persist

We were making Tye's lunch for SACC on Friday, since he had to go there while I was in KC at a meeting (no school).  I have several varieties of yogurt, and when I grabbed one, he said...I'm allergic to that.

Really!?

So I started saying...Tye, you aren't allergic to it. You might not like that flavor or something but you aren't allergic.  (I continued on.)

He looked really puzzled, kind of furrowed his eye brow, and said...well Mom, I AM allergic to bobcats.

Huh!?

How do you know that?

Well, Papa has this neighbor that has a brown and white horse that got scratched by a bobcat! And I'm pretty sure that I AM allergic to bobcats.

Good to know.

Ahh...the Love of a Sister!

I was gone for a little while yesterday to go back to school and finish my midterms. The girls were home alone. I think all went well, as nothing caught on fire!


Amberlea told me this morning...Rachel saved my life!

I was thinking, what? Rachel kind of smiled and said...I showed her how to change her paper to double-spacing instead of single.

Lol! Amberlea is so dramatic!

I was impressed that Rachel helped her with her newest state project, and we will just ignore the fact that Rachel saved Amberlea's paper as stupidstatereport.doc. I guess she was trying to save it and Amberlea said...call it Texas. And Rachel said...how about the stupid state report? Amberlea laughed when she told me and said...I told her, that works for me!

Share the love...

Tye Laughs

Tye was snuggling with me this morning and we started talking about all kinds of things.

T: So you remember right, that I am going to keep living with you until I am 27?

M: Yes, I remember (not worth arguing about because I know he will change his mind, at least I hope so)

T: Well, I've been thinking that I should change that to 29, or even 30.

Super.

T: I'm going to marry you.

M: I know you love me so much honey, but you can't marry your mom.

T: But why?

M: Because I will be too old for you, and I will always be your mom, not your wife.

T: When I have kids you can be their grandma, ok?

M: And I can take care of your kids when you take your wife on a date.

T: Date! I can't go on a date! I don't have any money and I don't have a job!

So true...

Tye and Rachel

Yesterday was Tye's 6th birthday.  What a blessing he is!  He was beyond excited, and the fact that yesterday was also Groundhog's Day, AND the 100th day of school, AND the 1st Annual Freddy the Falcon (our mascot) Day left Tye just plain pooped last night!  He got several phone calls and lots of cards and some money in the mail, so he was thinking things were pretty great.  He reminded several people today that he was "still six" and I am guessing he was hoping to ride the birthday train into another day!  I can hardly believe he is 6!  The day was much better for me than the day before...you can read about that on my other blog Memories of 2004 and see that the day before was a bit rough on me.  Aside from a brief moment from Tye when he suddenly started wimpering about missing Daddy, the day was great.  He chose Pagliai's for his b-day supper and they even sang to him!

Today is a break before the big day tomorrow when I officially am the mother to a teenager! Whew!  I have so many wonderful memories of becoming a mom.  I worked all day on Feb. 3, 1997 (preschool teacher) and decided around noon I thought maybe, just maybe, my water might be leaking.  I wasn't due until Feb. 12.  The doc wanted to see me right after school because I had been dialated at my appt. early the week before.  Tim worked in the meat dept. at Hy-Vee, and we had tried to figure out a way to be discreet if I called in to the store to talk to him at an odd time.  Needless to say, me calling in the early afternoon sent up red flags for all our excited co-workers (I had previously worked there too before teaching), and there was no disguising anything when Tim took the call and then left work!  We went to the appt. and still we were both in denial.  I went back and she checked me, and I was between a 4 and a 5. Huh? This wasn't what I was expecting for labor (again, don't hate me if your labor wasn't like this).  I laugh now...she told me to go straight over to the hospital.  I asked...but what will you do if I don't go into labor?  I was so paranoid of being stuck there in labor for like 18 hours or something, and I REALLY didn't want to be induced.  She said...you are having this baby tonight, no matter what because you are too far progressed.  I was in shock.  This wasn't anything I imagined.  I came out of the exam room and into the waiting room and told Tim we needed to go to the hospital.  I can still see the look on his face!  I think he quit breathing for a little bit!  He was so nervous.  He would always say that he was really worried about holding the baby, and if it was a girl, he wouldn't know even what to do (very funny in hindsight, considering he now has 4 daughters).  He never hoped for a boy, or at least never said so.  Not to say he wouldn't have maybe loved to have a son, but all through my pregnancy he just hoped the baby would be healthy.  We went on to the hospital and they hooked me up to the monitors.  My mom was with us, and I will forever be thankful that I could share this with her (she was an OB nurse).  I was having contractions but I couldn't feel them.  I was loving that!  They kept pointing them out on the monitor, and I was thinking, are you serious?  Finally around 5pm or so, I was nearly at a 5 (no going back) so the doc broke my water.  The next hour was still spent watching contractions on the monitor.  I was hoping I could sail right on to a 10 just like this!  Finally around 7 I could feel some serious cramping, and I remember thinking that we never discussed at lamaze that labor would feel like menstral cramps.  I mean, it sounds logical and obvious, but I felt like I was back in high school with the really bad cramps that I hadn't had for years!  The nurses were a buzz about the fact that it was supposed to snow that night, but as far as we knew, it was a clear as could be.  Around 9pm, things started feeling a little more serious, and around this time we noticed that it was almost a blizzard outside!  I still laugh because Tim was trying to help me breathe and Rachel was anything but normal!  So much for the contractions that are 5 min. apart, the 4.5 min. then 4 and so on, or contractions that were 30 sec. long and then 45 long and then a min. long.  She was all over the place.  I would have a 30 sec contraction with a 4 min break, then turn around and have a 3 min. contraction with maybe 30 seconds in between.  That crap about having Tim count down until my contraction was over was NOT working, and Tim was on the verge of hyperventilating because he was trying to help me.  The nurses finally told him to just keep encouraging me, but stop trying to follow my breathing!  He kept looking at me and I was looking at him like what the hell is happening?  I guess when you go into it, you kind of hope it will follow like the book.  The next thing I knew, the 3-11 nurses were deciding to spend the night at the hospital because the roads were so bad, and I was slowly seeing Feb. 3 leave me behind.  I can't complain because 8 hours of labor with Rachel was my longest labor.  Amberlea was my hardest labor, but moved much faster, and Tye was probably my fastest and easiest.

I was stuck for a while at 8 and thinking it was time to get this child out.  Time seemed to stand still, and then suddenly everything was happening at once.  The doc was on the way (in the snowstorm) and when I started pushing, I only had one great push and the most amazingly beautiful child came into our lives at 1:00am on Feb. 4.  The Dukes of Hazzard was on the background, lol! Tim never blinked at what he should do with Rachel, he just jumped right in and never looked back.  We were both overwhelmed with how precious she was!  I am speaking for him too, but I know he and I both thoroughly enjoyed sharing our Baby Rachel with our families in the early hours of Feb. 4.  That day was a snow day from school, so I got a freebie to start my maternity leave!  She weighed in at 6lbs. 14 oz. and 19 1/2 inches long.  It was the 2nd anniversary of the death of a very special grandpa in my life, and that helped Grandma Eickholt even better enjoy her new great-granddaughter.  Rachel was the first grandchild on my side and on Tim's mom's side, and Tim's dad's first aside from his wife's grandchildren that he also considers his.  She was the first great-grandchild on the Heflin side and I think she was the first on the Langley side, but I can't recall now.  She was spoiled from the get go, but I wouldn't have it any other way.

Thank you God for blessing my life with this beautiful, smart, funny, amazing child.  I love you Rachel!

Tomorrow night will be one of Rachel's favorites, fake chicken fajitas (I use chicken and rotel with lime and cilantro) and then also fruit and chocolate fondue.  Looking forward to another special day in our lives...

The Story of My Week

First of all, I got a hefty dose on the receiving end of homework this week.  To say it has been hell is an understatement.  One kid had a massive (in terms of a 4th grader) New York project.  And while I normally would say I heart New York, this week my sentiments have not been as kind. I do not care that the state insect is a ladybug (cute) or that the state beverage is milk (yum), and I soooo did not care what the state muffin was, so we didn't find out.  I was happy to see the wine red garnet as the state gem (my anniversary stone), but other than that, the only thing New York made me think of was getting away on vacation, like to Niagara Falls (also beautiful).  Beyond that, I was really past hating this project.  The teacher in me required the kid in 4th grade to do the work herself, which in turn made the mommy in me crazy!

And in the background, the 7th grader was multitasking...book report pieces that would eventually become giant Oreo concentration cards and a timeline of the Revolutionary War were all spread out on the office floor.  I teach the Revolution (they were doing the timeline about a novel in a different class) and I was having trouble making the connection to the Oreo.  I was pretty sure none of the Valley Forge provisions included the double stuffed delicacies.  While that was all over the floor, she was trying to brainstorm her Optimist speech on "Cyber Communication: Progress or Problem." She was answering texts while I was gluing pictures on the Oreos, and I finally told her I thought her form of cyber communicating (aka. texting) was a problem, and then found out she was texting a friend about yet another project from school.  Somewhere in the mix I figured out that the Oreos did not have anything to do with the Revolution, and spent the next few minutes digging everywhere on the computer for any information about the Battle of Philadelphia that happened in "either 1777, 1772 or 1775" because "those are the only dates left to pick from!" (lol)  The Revolutionary War teacher in me was cursing Philly and still thinking about the poor Patriot forces camping out in the cold at Valley Forge, and somehow wishing we had some Oreos in the house. 

Thin mints will have to do...

Back to the New York project, we were nearly ready to print when I got slammed with slope intercept.  I love, love, love Math, could do it for hours, don't get bored at all, the numbers facinate me.  But wow, checking 7th grade math is a challenge without an answer key.  I find myself figuring 30 problems from a set each night she is with me, and some nights I am on the phone figuring them.  While I love Saxon math and the spiral setup, it can knock you off your feet to reteach yourself slope for just 2 problems.  That means that when the next 2 problems are on negative powers, I have to spend time remembering that, while seeing the upcoming problems and hoping with all my power that I can simplify and expand like terms, find the area, circumference and perimeter of various shapes, find proportions, and graph certain coordinates...all in the same math set.  I've gotten to the point that I have retaught myself so much, it is actually a little easier now.  But I still have to figure every answer to be able to check her answers.  Tonight she called me at school before I left (still there at 5pm) to ask about a proportion question.  It was a story problem, and having her tell me on the phone was quite funny...pretty sure she repeated herself about 5x!  When it was done, I texted her and said "that was way too much brain stimulus!"

So the New York project is printing, and the slope is sloping, when along comes the 4th grader's book report info.  Are you kidding me?  Rachel was invited to the basketball game, and even though she had so much homework, she really wanted to go, and Mom she really needed a break.  She was gone for a few hours, and came back for us to tackle the speech.  By then, Tye and Amberlea were in bed, and I only had one kid saying my name.  Luckily, she had already made a long list of pros and cons for cell phones, iPods, email, etc., and had a great quote ready to go.  She had a good layout for her speech, and we were able to put it together quickly.  It was ready to print, and all she had to do was put it on notecards and PRACTICE by tomorrow.

Midnight bedtime for a 13 year old 12 year old (at least for 7 more days).  Great mothering!  But honestly, besides the ballgame, which was a necessary break in order for me to be sure little man wasn't tearing up the house and the middle child didn't feel completely neglected and the oldest child's brain didn't explode, there was not any other time in the day.  She worked on homework straight through from when she got home until she crashed at nearly midnight.

By the time Wednesday came, I had done nearly 6 hours worth of homework in 2 days, and that was just the part that demanded my undivided attention.  That doesn't include the other math sets I checked and the fact that I taught all week and did homework help tonight after school.  My brain is tired.

And to top it off, I found out today that above mentioned middle child did awful  not so great on a Science test this week.  I am frustrated that I didn't remember to help her study, but even more frustrated that she didn't ask me or her dad or Abby (she's almost 10, and she needs to let us know).  I wonder just when we would have had time to do this, but I know there was time.  I think.

On the way out of school yesterday, I saw my sister.  She was talking to Tori about getting her science experiment ready, and then another project that required research.  I was thanking God dearly that Tye is not in Tori's 1st grade class, which would mean that we would also be doing all that work this week in the midst of everything else, and in that case I would really be in the loony bin stressed.

So what has Tye been up to?  Running, skipping and galloping.

A lot.

That is the new rule in P.E. when you aren't listening.  If you are talking or not paying attention during instructions or when the teacher asks, instead of sitting, you run (or skip or gallop).  I saw the P.E. teacher in the office last Friday, and she mentioned that Tye had skipped and galloped quite a bit during class that day.  We got a good laugh among friends, but I told her I would talk to him about this.  We had a long talk over the weekend, and lots of reminders.  On Tuesday, I happened to be in the hall upstairs, just as he was coming back from P.E.  He hugged me and I kissed him on top of the head, finding out in a not-so-pleasant way that he was sweating!  I said...ooo, you having been running!  And before he could say anything, another kid said...yep, he has been running, but we haven't.  I looked up into the eyes of the P.E. teacher, and she nodded and said...yep, he's been running.

Oooo.  So it was a stern talking to, the "I'm going to be checking on you and blah blah.

So yesterday afternoon, I said...how did P.E. go today? 

Hmmm....he stammered around and said...we didn't have P.E. today.  So we walked on towards the van, and just as we were getting in, he said...we had music, and she sent me out in the hall.  He just looked at me in a matter-of-fact stare.  I said...great, now I have to check with both teachers.

Then today in the office after school, the P.E. teacher said...well, he ran again today.  I just sighed.  She knows I want to know, so she is doing great at keeping me updated.  And she is my friend, so I feel like she tells it to me straight.  She said...he isn't being bad, just not listening.

Did I mention there are 23 kids in his class?  So there HAS to be some order, for gosh sakes.  He HAS to follow the rules.

I asked...so what did he do?  She said...when I asked everyone to get quiet so we could continue, as soon as it was completely silent, he would say...woo, woo. Repeatedly. As in, everytime she started to talk.

So he ran.  He was kind of packing on the pounds at the beginning of the school year, and come to think of it, he has slimmed down some.  I will have to ask her how much he has been running!  So tonight there were more consequences and the guilt trip about being disrespectful to the teacher, and she is so nice and so on.  He is going to work on earning some rewards, while also losing privileges if this continues. 

Thank God tomorrow is Friday. Woo Woo!

Except that he has P.E. again.

Smokin Hot Kidz

My eldest is a great big sister.  I mean she has her moments, but is truly amazing with all the little ones in her life (one younger brother and three younger sisters).  She loves to babysit, and did so for me on Friday night when I went for dinner and movie with a group of friends.  Rachel had Kristen over, and Amberlea had Maddie, and they had a blast.  Tye was right in the middle of things, and ended up with some lipstick and kisses, but hey, what boy doesn't like that!?  The girls all commented on how much fun they had (the older girls did the younger girls' hair and makeup, and they were rock stars) and when I came home, A) the house was not destroyed; B) everyone was giggling; and C) I am pretty sure the neighbors didn't call the cops.

So all is good.

Then last night, I had to be gone for a little while, as the faculty and staff at my school had volunteered to cook for the Manna Kitchen.  I ran the girls home around 3:15, ran my potatoes back to the church at 4, picked up Tye and ran home for a little bit, then back to the church by 4:45 to help serve from 5-6, cleanup and home by about 6:20.  I even made extra potatoes so Rachel could have them (one of her favorites) and had everything set for them to have something for supper.  The girls both had a lot of homework, so that kept them busy.

When I came in around 6:20, they were just fixing supper.  Rachel had opened a can of cream corn instead of regular, and didn't know what to do with it.  Besides that, the homemade meatloaf muffins were being warmed up and almost everyone was hungry.

Tye: I'm not hungry.

Me: Why not?

Tye: Cuz I just ate a poptart.

Me: (glaring at Rachel) Tye! You shouldn't be eating a poptart right when it is suppertime!

Tye: I ate 4 of them.

Now I am gasping, and Rachel looked like she had been shot!  I mumbled something about doing such a great job of babysitting, and she was at least glad to almost be done with her homework.

Sigh.

Tonight I was home with the girls for a while.  I joined the community center, so I wanted to go workout, and Rachel again said it was no problem because they had homework to do.   I didn't plan to be gone long, but I did need to return some books to the libary and get another one.  So I ran there first. When I came out, I sent her a text that she needs to finish the last book she has out from the library because it is overdue.  Here is the rest of the texting...

Rachel: I know.

Me: The library cops r gonna get u! (maybe not, but I am making her pay the fine because she's had it long enough to be considered lost)

Rachel:  Whatever! Amberlea just like made smoke.

I started to text back and then thought...hmm.  That just doesn't sound good.

I called home and found out that Amberlea had fixed herself some Easy Mac. And burned it. To a crisp.  Amberlea came down and told Rachel she thought she burned her mac and cheese, and could she come up and look.  Rachel said smoke was billowing out of the microwave.  She told me she had it under control now.  I thought maybe the microwave was acting up, but she said that she turned around and made another batch right after that, and everything was fine.  It appears the before mentioned middle child did not put enough water in the Easy Mac and then cooked it.  Rachel said she took it out at 2 minutes and it was black.

When I got home, I could smell the smoke in the garage.  The house was worse. Way worse.  It just stinks.  I said I wanted to see the finished product, and Rachel said that she threw it out in the snow.  On the front step.  Why Lord, why?  So I checked and yep, there is a solid mass of barely recongnizable mac and cheese in a black clump in the snow on the front porch.  How big is my yard, and they throw it out the front door!

Me: Amberlea, you could have burned down the house!

Amberlea: Um, um...

Rachel: Aren't you so glad I am such a good babysitter?  I took care of everything.

Yes, thank God.

Ok, Alright, Enough Already...

I am a lover of snow days! I prefer them to come in groups, instead of sporatically so that they can fully be enjoyed. Large blocks of time off from school are helpful with the teaching part, as I find it hard to have a day off here and there because it breaks up the consistency.
But...enough is enough. I have been home entirely tooooo long! Thank God for the movie plans on Friday night or I would be crazy by now! So much for my eating plan, although I haven't blown it, it just is in limbo. So much for working out because the community center childwatch hours are not condusive to my schedule on the weekends.

And I am soooo tired of cleaning house. I want my kids to stop eating and making dirty laundry and taking showers because it means I have to cook, do dishes, clean the kitchen, wash laundry, fold laundry, put away laundry, wash towels. Nevermind staying on top of the toys that have been drug out...
But after this week, I am yet again reminded that kids eating and making dirty laundry and needing me means I am blessed threefold with 3 great kids! I am also reminded that they are healthy and happy, as so many are not. I am reminded what a blessing each of them are in my life.

I have offered many prayers this week on behalf of the Pappert family who lost their little 3 mo. old Ryan this week. I could say something really poignant right now about God's plans and so on, but the words aren't there for me yet.  I still struggle terribly with what God has planned for me, and I am pretty proud of the fact that I am still a believer, and I do think my faith is healing me.  I had a chat with another new mommy today who has other children, and it seems we never stop worrying over what could happen to our children, regardless of their age.  Not having a baby in the house does relieve the stresses that go along with those worries, while bringing about others.  My oldest is a hop and a skip away from high school, and I wonder if I will sleep at all, worrying about all there is to worry in regards to a teenage child.  But as the other mommy said, we just have to love them as long as we have them.

And I know of another mom who lost a teenage son to cancer.  The only surviving child went off to college
a few months later.  She said that a clean house and having the laundry caught up is overrated.

So thanks to my 3gr8kidz for the piled up laundry and dirty dishes.  I did get somewhat caught up today, although created an even bigger mess when I started sorting the store room.  Even so, my house is full of life and love, and that, in itself, is my biggest blessing.

Heartfelt Devotions...

Tye: I don't want to move.

Me: Why not?

Tye: I want to go back to our old house.

Me: Why?

Tye: Cuz that's where Daddy was.

A long conversation later...

Tye: Also, I like sports, I don't want my room to be camouflage.

Me: We can paint your new room.  How do you want it?

Tye: Hmmm....(finally) I think green and yellow.

Me: (I am thinking sports and Spoofhounds and wondering how he came up with that).  Why green and yellow?

Tye: (with a look like duh!) John Deere Mom!

Me: Ooohhhh, John Deere. Ok, well, here's the deal. Papa Paul has worked on the other kind of tractor for 35 years, so we aren't doing your room in John Deere, but you can have John Deere things!

Tye: Ok, we can do it in orange (Agco).

Me: Or we can do sports.

By now he is starting to doze off, kind of batting his eyes.

Tye: I think I just want hearts.

Me: Hearts?

Tye: Yes, just hearts all over.

Me: For a boy's room?

Tye: Because I just love my family so much.

Awwww...is he so adorable and such a charmer. 

Just like his dad...

UPDATE:
I repeated the story to Amberlea.  She said, oh, he is just so cute!  She giggled and went on.  Then she came back in and said...so Mom, you are not really going to let him do his room in hearts, are you?

Tee Hee...

3 Great Kids Amaze Me!

2day 3gr8kidz surprised me with a Precious Moments figurine...a little angel holding a heart with January and a birthstone on it.  And Amberlea made a card to go along.

I was quite surprised that they remembered today is our anniversary.  It makes me feel good to still celebrate.  I had ever intention of watching our wedding video, which I have not done for several years, but when today came, I didn't feel like it.  I knew it would bring out a lot of emotions, and I am not feeling like that right now, especially since we are going back to school tomorrow.  I have also started a new diet, per say, actually new way of eating...using the Curves weight management program.  It is phase I right now, which is only 1200 calories, and I figured I was a bit edgy right now as it is, I didn't need to give myself a reason to go off the deep end!

Instead I was able to just enjoy the day and live in the moment of my children acknowledging my sadness and also sharing in my happiness of a most wonderful day.

Thanks kidz...

Happy New Year 2010!

I am so very thankful for my children.  What a blessing they are in my life!  I am looking ahead to the coming year with the hope that my life can take a different focus.  The grief seems to weigh so heavily on my heart, and no amount of time that has passed has eased the pain.  Have I gotten used to things? For the most part.  There are things I will never be used to.

Like crawling in bed alone.

Or coming home to an empty house.

Or never hearing the sweet I love you's in my ear.

But I have reflected on so much over the last year, and the sadness is slowly being replaced by happiness again.  I have to admit, some of it is forced.  But that is ok, because for all the forced smiles, some have started to come on their own.  I know it is what Brian would want.

And I am waiting for someone to come back that is never coming back.  I am waiting for happiness, the happiness I had with Brian.  And it is gone.  The memories bring such pain, but also some semblence of that happiness, and for that I am thankful.

2010 will bring so much.  My dad is getting married, so our family is changing yet again.  Whoever thought we were in control of anything in our lives really? Life is ever-changing, and I can only hope to grow with life and not get lost in those changes.  I will be moving, as I am buying my parents' house.  I am very excited about this, and hope it might bring some peace in my grief of my mom.  I never truly grieved for her because my life was so busy trying to save my dying husband.  My emotions wouldn't allow me to do both, and so my grief for her was put on hold.  Now, as my dad is getting married, I find myself going through some emotions that are long overdue.  I am so thankful that I have the means to buy their house, and I can thank Brian for taking such good care of me and the kids for that.  Ironic, no doubt, that he has to be dead for me to be able to afford to live in my dead mother's house.  It is yet another way that he has taken care of things for me, so it is bittersweet.

I am joining the community center again.  It is past time for me to take better care of myself.  I have always been greatly affected by my emotions, and I really had to have them in check to even be able to attempt to lose some weight.  I am hopeful that this year will find me healthier and more energetic, which in turn will make my life less stressful and more enjoyable.

I am baffled by the fact that another year has passed.  I don't have a lot to show for that year, other than survival.  I am getting kind of tired of just surviving life.  I hope I can draw strength from Brian and my mom, as they both had so much life left to live in them, and I want that for myself too.

Deep breath.